Toddlers In Tiaras : Tampering With Innocence

The TLC/Discovery Channel empire prides itself on bringing informative yet entertaining programming to the masses and often fills that bill . In recent years TLC's offerings are becoming increasingly exploitative of many groups of people , but most obviously children. Highlighted by the larger media outlets  is Jon and Kate Plus 8, but Dancing Tweens smacks of this as well as other "special" programming . The worst of the worst thus far is most certainly Toddlers In Tiaras - which is not narrated so we can view the asinine behaviour of soccer moms in their most vapid and grandiose glory . Jumping on the bandwagon is WE with their series "Little Miss Perfect".

According to TLC's billing "The preparation is intense as it gets down to the final week before the pageant. From hair and nail appointments, to finishing touches on gowns and suits, to numerous coaching sessions or rehearsals, each child preps for their performance. But once at the pageant, it's all up to the judges and drama ensues when every parent wants to prove that their child is beautiful."

Naturally as a decent and protective adult, I have some very serious qualms about not only this display of maternal abuse being on the airwaves, but existing in general . EVERY 2 year old is a beautiful creation of the Universe and deserves to be treated as if she is the most amazing kid on the planet UNCONDITIONALLY . Treated as a valid, intelligent, adored angel who is congratulated for a best effort as opposed to how much paste, waxing, hair extensions and spray-painting she can tolerate without crying .
She needs to be taught to view people as the truly are versus how many pretty dresses their obsessed parents can afford, to value intelligence and determination and not to be groomed into the next-generation meth head soccer mom . Babies on these programs are openly psychologically and sometimes physically abused while we sit and watch and boost the advertising dollar .

Which leads into the sexual exploitation of these wee girls . We are living in a nation where the most common procedure for girls 12-14 is Laser Hair Removal . Even infants are being forced to sit for long hours to be spray-painted and manicured , and this is not just the pageant community . In North America , in excess of $50 million is spent on cosmetics for girls under the age of 12 annually and 80% are terrified of being seen as fat . Toddlers in Tiaras is the extreme example of a disease that is rampant .

The disease is unapologetic paedophilia - while people line up to send the latest pederastic priest to a justifiably lengthy prison term preschool girls are told to pout, to giggle, and yes, even to look "sexy" by their parents and the judges . The fathers of these wee angels always seem either powerless against their sicko wives or perverted themselves . This translates into an entire society where the most vulnerable children are seen as "fair game " for weirdos, not to mention the other damage being in these pageants can cause .

By the time they are adults these girls will have permanent skin, tooth and hair damage and may have bone , vision and metabolic disorders from dieting at a young age . These kids will grow up with such artificial esteem that they will be insecure fools who might well wind up being the next batch of porn stars and strippers only to be "rescued" into the housewife role by some rich closet-queen to perpetuate the cycle again assuming they don't wind up on Santa Monica hooked on smack and giving blow-jobs to octogenarians for $20 .

Pardon me for being so graphic , but we need to save our girls from this bullshit, and while I'm not the type to interfere with parenting style, these pageants have nothing to do with it and must come to a swift end as they no longer have anything to do with talent and everything to do with objectification .

What Is Real? Meet Whitney.

Kobe's Accuser Freestyle Raps - watch more funny videos

Studio Fred advertises this woman on funny Or Die as being Kate Faber and thusly this video has gone viral . On their main site they seem incredibly impressed that the video has been picked up and spread as fact by dozens of mainstream and gossip sites without verifying it .
You see , Kate was the lady that Kobe Bryant was accused of violating in a litany of ways and eventually paid millions of dollars to keep her quiet .
This stain is Whitney Teubner and she's a student at CSU-LA and no doubt a Kobe Bryant fan . Whether or not the real Kate authorized this is up in the air as it has been out for months and she isn't saying if she approves or not. It IS , however , safe to say that the real person IS the type to sue someone so I'm wondering if litigation has crossed her mind or if she thinks this is funny.
Either way , in her quest for 15 minutes , Whitney Teubner has managed to ridicule and trivialize one of the most horrifying experiences a human can endure .
But WHY were millions of people fooled into believing that this could possibly be the real deal? Is it that nobody wants to believe that their hero could REALLY be a monster , that women are all secret gold diggers and whores , or that we are really willing to suspend disbelief that easily ? Why is it that women hate other women more than even the vilest man ever could ?
Ms. Teubner is a jealous , twisted , and entirely unfunny little girl , and IF Katelyn Faber approved of this travesty , then so is she .
Oh , and Studio Fred should stop titling this as being the "Kate Faber" on F.O.D.

BTW , the video has an incredibly LOW haha rating .

O.K. ...I lied...

Raiders fans are scary too...

O.K. , Ladies .....

The NFL pre-season is underway , which means NFL fan season is also underway .
Yes , ladies (or a few unlucky fellas) , your man is gonna gain 20 pounds in wings and beer and paint some convicted felon's number on his moobs and display it to the world.

And it's always the larger , ruddy-looking white dudes and not his buff-looking pals who do this . And they are Eagles or Cowboys fans .

Always .

If your man satisfies these conditions , keep a close eye on him .

It's violence we CAN stop.

Thank You.

Happy Birthday Buddy

It's my buddy Shai's birthday today and he's a serene , non-judgmental , wonderful blessing to the world .
It is hard to describe such a wonderful dude . He is simply the Rabbi that even atheists can hang with without feeling an iota of discomfort . He's a teacher and a student , and activist and peacenik , a creator and admirer . He is my friend and I encourage all of you people to give him a shout out today and enjoy being filled with the spirit he will inevitably pass on .

Here's to another year with my adorable pal .

Happy Birthday , buddy !
M

The Flatus Is At Us

There is a forbidden and curious nature that humans relate to anything that is emitted from human bodily openings , particularly that back door that we all possess . Your granny farts , so does your girlfriend , the Maxim cover girl , and yes , Shane - even Padma Lakshmi misdirects a burp from time to time . (In Hindi , fart = paad) In my mind it's the Pope who has the worst morning thunder , or at least he's up there with Tom Green in the rectal rocket Hall of Flame . And , I'll admit it ... I just farted .

According to the "experts" on such things , the word and context of the fart as we know it only became taboo in the last hundred or so years . Back in the day , the fart was out in the open , featured in several Canterbury Tales and being an accepted dictionary entry in the 1700's . And then the fart vanished into thin air - Wolfe and Hemingway had references to the Gas removed from their literature and it is often referred to as the 8th dirty word . Think on this - when was the last time YOU heard an audible petard (that's French) on Network Television ? I'm talking a human one - animated stuff doesn't count because there's simply no proof that the noise wasn't made with a French Horn .

The taboo nature of the gas , or rather it's emission add to the humour value of this often-unused device . Outside of the bedroom , farts can genuinely be ridiculously hilarious . My older sister is model-perfect ,has a prestigious occupation , and is a mother of two , but she taught my other siblings how to AIM . (I was a very serious and humourless kid oddly) I'm sure she has passed this "skill" on to her darling offspring whom have certainly been victimized by a Dutch Oven or 10 .

People need to OWN their farts , laugh at their farts , and even be PROUD of the gas they pass . Besides , if you hold them in for too long , you fart when you are relaxed , and most folks just aren't into the post-orgasmic surprise . It's true - laughing at a fart in the den means less gas during sexy times , which I don't have but have most definitely HEARD about . As funny as a gas attack might be amongst coworkers , a Dutch Oven will probably get you a Coach-class ticket to the sofa .
To be succinct : funny , yes - sexy , not so much .

---sidebar : dogs don't smell your butt because of some perverse nature thing , they do it because they like the smell of farts and they are hoping that you have leftover essence on your trousers . They're scavengers and like anything that smells rotten. Ergo farting on your dog does not constitute cruelty . She might just thank you for it. : sidebar over ----

For some reason this turbulent topic came to rise during a conversation with my mother last night , who like ancient Emperor Claudius , believes that it is hazardous to the health to hold in the gas for longer than it takes to sneak out to the balcony . Rest assured , it won't physically harm you to hold it in , but as described above , might water they eyes of your sleeping partner . If you are one of those rare people who enjoys the expulsion of flatus or happens to be a very brave method actor (hi , Sina!), you can supercharge your farts by eating cabbage with your brisket . Meat is notorious for producing acidic , aromatic gas , and cabbage add the noise factor . Cauliflower has the same effect , but it's just a gross tasting version of Broccoli so I wouldn't bother . Dairy and beans make for an equally toxic combo because 95% of us simply cannot digest either of these properly .

In summation , be proud of what you produce , whether it be farts or fart jokes . We need eradicate the stigma associated with something that EVERYBODY does .
Or at least laugh at trot trumpets - laughing is good for you . Besides , it lets down your guard and we all know what that means :)

A Salted Nut Bar?

People collect for varying reasons - be it nostalgia , information , or investment potential , and I'm not generally what would be referred to as the judgmental type of person when it comes to what might be the apple of someone's eye . I collect old medical textbooks , hockey cards , maps , and other curious items . In my home you will find Catalogues from the 1920's , Dead Kennedys shirts from the 80's and even a first edition copy of Dr. Zhivago , but not what you see here.

It's SALT . A vietnam-era wee packet of sodium chloride , likely a solid lump . People collect these things and I have no idea why . It's not pretty nor displayable , will likely have no resale value , and will likely wind up in a drawer somewhere or be eaten by a curious or dehydrated pet .
I'm very curious to find out what type of person collects this , and why . To the average person , it seems a tad odd and purposeless really but since these things frequently sell on EBay I'd like to know .

Because to me it's just SALT.