The Offensive Friday Shit In My Head

 This is a joke I wrote tonight. Warning: it's about God. If your God is a sissy, you may want to read something else. You've been warned. I'll even stick this graphic in as a buffer.

 There are these weird things they don't tell you about God. It's sort of like the fine print, and I'm a heathen so I actually read the shit. That way you don't have to.

Now, I didn't know until recently that the Abrahamic followers (that's you Muslims, Christians, and Jews out there. And yes it is the same God. Don't make me beat you with a fucking Bible.) don't exactly get the kind of Heaven I was thinking of; it's certainly not my idea of paradise anyways.

When I think of paradise I think of naked people frolicking in the surf without the sand getting painfully stuck in their cracks. The sun is perpetually setting and the parts that used to sag no longer sag. It's beautiful and sexy and probably hairy. So my idea of Heaven is a mid-70's porno; back to the real heaven:

Get this: You sing and pray and kill all the unbelievers and try not to piss off this jealous, vengeful God your entire life so you can spend eternity praising God. I shit you not.

I repeat- you spend your entire life praising this jealous, insecure cunt and your reward is an eternity spent praising this jealous, insecure cunt only this time you're kneeling on a cloud?

 Can I just stand up right now and say that 50 zillion years of licking some 6000 year old dude's choad sounds like Hell instead of Heaven? Where is the relief for your dutiful service shit? Can I just say that I'd rather get a sex change so I could go to Hell and have my hypothetical balls roasted over a campfire for an eternity?

 Maybe while I'm down there I can chill with George Carlin and the rest of the awesome fucking heathens. We can all hang our balls out to get roasted for eternity because this God is too stupid to know that the centre of the Earth is 6000 degrees and humans start vaporizing at 100. Billions and billions of years toasting the testes because Yahweh failed grade 7 Science.