Friends Don't Let Friends...

...wear man-sandals.

  Summertime is the time when many visual crimes surface. It is a time for hideous tube tops, too-short jean shorts, and men in Speedos. While we might not like looking at a fat frenchman in a thong, he at least stays on the beach where he belongs. But there is a segment of the population that forgets that some things that happen on the beach should stay there.

  We have the men who wear sandals. Not on the beach, but in grocery stores, bars, and Home Depot- a place where nobody should go without safety boots. And they are an attack on innocent eyeballs everywhere.

  Why is this so horrid? The reason is simple. Men have hideous feet. Complete with hair and toes that have been broken half a dozen times, man feet are one of the few vestiges of the Stone Age. (along with ass hair) The vast majority of dudes have large, flat Fred Flintstone pedal extremities. This is not the fault of man, but Mother Nature neglecting a body part during evolution. Combine that with the fact that most guys have damaged their feet or subjected to a lifetime of encasement in work boots, and you have the coasters that 99% of men possess.
  Making matters worse is the fact that man sandals have evolved to look like the ones that ladies wear. Whether sandals or heels, there is no amount of feminine footwear that will permit escape of the awful truth- men and women have vastly different feet. And sorry boys, your non-manicured phalanges should only be seen in sandals on a beach or in a communal shower. Think of it as the equivalent to fat ladies wearing bikini tops in nightclubs. You know this is wrong.

  Should you be a member of the 1% of the male population that has effete, pretty feet, please disregard this post. But for the majority of you, I don't want to see your mangled metatarsals when I'm trying to enjoy my Tomato Bisque, nor smell the product of your 250,000 sweat glands. We are talking about a multi-sense crime that you CAN stop.

  If you pick up your homeboy for a night on the town or even lunch and a beer and he is wearing foot girdles, PLEASE, for the love of humanity, get him to a Foot Locker STAT.