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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Yummy Treat: The Kitchen's On Fire Edition

Stoners and others, feast your eyes upon these. What I thought was a packet of toaster pastries was in fact a box of six individually packaged 'chicken' cutlets that you heat in your home toaster. A lady upstairs says they're wonderful, but she heats them in her George Foreman grill. Personally, I'm incredulous as to why these even exist.

Has anyone really thought this through? Although I realize the mechanically-separated chicken pucks are precooked, but they're still a frankendelicatessen item. How are you supposed to make sure you don't get Salmonella every time you use your toaster to defrost a bagel after you've used it for chicken ? It's chicken. And it's factory-farmed chicken. It either has salmonella or has been cleaned with ammonia. (or both) It's the shit your mum always told you to clean your hands after handling.

Anywho, you're taking scary mechanically-separated, genetically-modified, factory farmed animal fragments and sticking them in an appliance not suited to the purpose because you're too lazy to cook. And it sounds motherfucking gross. You can't disinfect a toaster without electrocution, or at least a very large autoclave.

Seriously, kids- is this what we have come to? This 'Chicken Krispy Toast' doesn't even resemble the animal which gave it's life for your fat kid to 'cook' in a toaster. The poor, dead creature doesn't even get the dignity of being waited for while safely cooking in the oven for 45 minutes.

This post began as something tongue-in-cheek, but there are obviously some serious things to consider when we even have a market for shit like this. We can't go blaming America here- Olymel is one of many Canadian companies who make millions annually selling us sodium-laden meat subsidiaries because they know that many people like their food to not have a face, or leg, or muscle structure really.

When you divorce yourself food at its fundamental forms- whether it's meat, or dairy, or fish- your body will stop recognizing it as food. And we're wondering why our kids are smellier, bitchier, and fatter than we were. Look at what the fuck we're feeding them! I'm not a nanny-stater by any means, but I am into people being permitted to be aware. Corporations will only sell what sells. It's simple- if customers wants something different, companies will adapt to suit. It's why the mustard they sell in New York is different from that sold in the midwest.

What we're talking here, though, is about a little more than the balance of spices. We're talking about what we ingest as a power supply for our personal powerplants. Oil messes shit up- it clogs your arteries, gives you kidney stones and does a host of weird things to your intestines. It doesn't build you up like protein, it doesn't give you the immune awesomeness that fruits and veg do, it doesn't give you the energy to run a few miles like carbs do. Oil's gross and it's present in life-altering amounts in most processed foods. This stuff has 12 grams of fat per single little slice, but it's far from the worst offender.

With this specific product, it boils down to the absolute absurdity of the concept. (****insert Showman voice***) "Yes folks, if horribly abused chicken dunked in bread crumbs made from pesticide-laden wheat and 4 other modified starches cooked in genetically-modified oil from a made-made species didn't sound disgusting enough, now we're going to tell you to cook it in a Chinese-made, possibly electrically iffy but certainly unsterile toaster."  It sounds ridiculous because it is. 

Today's Soylent Feed isn't made of people, but it's made by people, to consume and be consumed by other people.  It's crap but it seems all modern and convenient, so we'll try it just this one time, and we'll try the next brand that comes along just once until we become too lazy and useless to know any better. We have no business eating things that are determined to eat us from the inside out, but we all have the freedom to do so, and if you want to eat it, I won't stop you.

However, if one of you guys catches your kitchen on fire trying to cook chicken in a toaster I will fucking laugh.

the End.

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