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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Captain Obvious

  It came as a horror but no real surprise to Blue Jays faithful when Roy Halladay was dispatched to another team. The sting was amplified by the fact that his new club is the hated Philadelphia Phillies.

  So now Canucks are left with the sour taste of Doc's perfect game right before the G-8 summit. But not me.  Roy deserves this. He went from being the statistically worst starting pitcher of all time to the best of a generation and shared his love of the game with Torontonians for a decade. We watched the lanky boy grow from insecure to confident, incompetent to dominant, youth to adult. He gave his all to a city he still loves and he's going humbly destroy the Jays next time out. It gives you faith in the pro game when a guy can sign a contract and honour it with every pitch. This is a guy who shows up to work out before the ushers even wake. Roy Halladay has earned the perfect game honour, this is no fluke. And at only 33 and the peak of his career, don't be shocked if the 2 metres of meticulousness repeats the feat.

  Hats off Doc and congrats in earning your PhD in pitching perfection.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Culture Shock

  While I was live tonight I had an interesting thought.

   While it is obvious to anyone with an IQ above 30 that I am gay, I never actually discuss it. I know little of this famous "after Ellen" crowd, nothing about these new "heroes" of the movement. I almost have a disdain for popular gay culture and unless it relates to a human rights issue, I distance myself from it. This thought originally came in to my head when someone mentioned Jane Velez Mitchell a few months ago and I had no idea who she was, but recently Rachel Maddow. Never having cruised the popular homo sites, I really had ZERO idea this woman existed. When I joined Twitter I had no idea of the person on the "suggestion" list, nada. But because of a comparison a blog commenter made, I did decide to Google her and watch her and get some idea and it has turned out that we have a ton of commonalities. Something also occurred to me.

  I may have a TON of internalized homophobia or at least a serious want to fit in to a norm that so obviously does not include me. I was taken back by these young people who found it so easy to come out with all of these heroines and almost resent them in a way because I am one of the Old Gays.

  Okay kids, I came out before Ellen, before Melissa, before k.d. fuckin lang. When I came out the heroine was a girl named B.J. that I met when I was 17. She was the first gay person I had ever met and things made sense. I was outed by my sister after being the second person in a city of 17 000 to come out. B.J. was the deal. She was homophobically attacked and soon I was. To be gay meant willing to die.

   In a span of less than a year I went from a shy nerd to working for gay youth to nearly being killed by 4 men to wearing a tux to my prom to moving to a city of 4 million and being homeless in it. I had a few icons in my life though and a pair of them were an octogenarian couple who had been together since the early 50's. We didn't come out because of a celebrity, we came out under severe penalties. Gaybashings were rampant and we could still be psychiatrically committed because of who we were. We fought for our rights like union workers- we worked for the Old Gay. And for the most part, we won.

   People are enjoying unprecedented freedoms because of people like myself and the heroes who didn't have sportscars and talk shows. They were simply the people who managed to survive before us. And most of my generation is not alive today. Almost everybody I knew died from AIDS or murder. If they were lucky, they took their own lives or overdoses on drugs.

   So if I am not up on the latest gay celebrity or the latest trend, cut me some slack. If I don't include my orientation in my comedy repertoire or obsess on who is dating who, lay off for a bit. Inform me, sure. but don't demean me. I'm not a "bad homo", I'm just new to this "not having to fear for my life" thing.  As I am free because of the Old Gays before me, you are because of Old Gays like me. It sounds self-absorbed, but it is the absolute truth. We lost so many heroic beings who lived, worked, loved, and died under the label of "most hated". Cemetaries wouldn't even bury many people I knew because their orientation was so offensive that they could not even be considered for consecrated ground.People lost their educations, jobs and families. Things have sure changed.

   We are so happy for the next generation, but it seems so foreign. Going from "cops gang-raping dykes" to "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It" in less than 2 decades is somewhat of an adjustment. We are elated but somewhat maladjusted. And maybe a little bit jealous. Please understand this babydykes - we have soft spots under our sneers, but it takes a little time. The new gay universe is as alien to us as Mongolia to a Texan.

  The Old Gay will join your happy gay melting pot if you give us a chance.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Funniest Shit Of The Week

 Some narrow cats have accused Lady Gaga of being a drag queen, but they may have her confused with Keith Levy AKA Sherry Vine. The Weird Al of Drag needs no real introduction other than to say that this video will make you shit your pants.


It Must Be The Pot

 Seattle city council voted Thursday to consider the idea of building a nude beach . It was the third most popular suggestion after expanding light rail and legalizing marijuana.

  I don't know if any of you have been to Seattle, but it is close enough to me that I could sneeze and they'd catch my SARS.

  Okay kids, it is cold and rainy in Puget Sound 363 days of the year. I know that Seattle residents must be smoking a lot of pot because light rail is the only thing with ANY threat of expanding near a nude beach.

  Don't worry about the children prudes - Seattle denizens are known for being rather rotund and there's no  chance of nudies getting a tan in a place this overcast. Like Mr. Happy, the stoners will turn shriveled and grey. Just tell the wee ones they are sea lions, which brings me to the best point about nekkid Puget puffballs...

   ... I wonder how many Orcas will die from patchouli poisoning or beach themselves out of embarrassment after mistaking a middle-aged mandolin player for a tasty seal?

  PeTA really needs to get on to this and fast.

Flashback Friday

November 11, 2009 was supposed to be a day of national remembrance until I polluted it with this favourite of @HerMedia. Enjoy!


I have seen this sign and it's variations out there . They are common in countries where the locals might not be accustomed to the lavatory that most of us are . (My paternal grandmother's crib had a shit shack until I was 12 , but I'm sure this is an aberration.) But this one is the best of the best , so I'll give you a rundown .

Icon Dude Photo #1 : Sit to poo . This is the preferred thing to do , but if you are in a third-world country , you might get leprosy of the ass. Still , this is what they figure is best.

#2 : What dude in his right mind doesn't hold his member when he pees? He might spray the sitting spot . Besides , one should not stare at one's pecker like it's a lost puppy. Hold your pud to avoid misfire.

#3 : No puking in the lav ...? Where the fuck else are you supposed to do it after consuming enough booze to attempt the other prohibited activities ? The floor? Then again , if he missed and hit the rim , the dude in #4 might slip and die of a closed head injury .

#4 : (This one I've seen in India) The Yoga Squat . I'm not really sure WHY this is prohibited because if you can accomplish this without falling or crapping on your foot I'll find you impressive indeed . I think it might be a time consideration , for you would have to be completely pantsless to pull this off successfully . People just don't want to wait in line for 20 minutes while you attempt to be a porcelain acrobat.

#5 : Okay , I get it - it's water - but FISHING!? Exactly how much Thai stick would you have to consume to try this? Maybe this was their attempt at the "dude holding his wang" icon and they missed . Maybe some dude said to himself "it's SO much cleaner than the Ganges " and tried . Maybe it was someone with a scatological poo thing where he was afraid that the evil toilet Jinns would steal his turd . I've heard that people believe in things like this - maybe one dude took this too far .

#6 : Now THIS I believe . You NEVER KNOW when Romulus and Remus are going to show up looking for a place to lift a leg , or at least a pair of dudes who have taken enough LSD to think they are . Maybe this is REALLY instructional and the printer screwed up .

Fuck Off Friday

Today I give a shout out to the person we all know.


A Heavy Post

  This man is Peter Karlsson and to date he is the only professional hockey player to come out as gay during his career. 15 years ago he was playing in his 11th pro season in Sweden and was a pretty popular player. While walking home from a post-game night on the town, the Orebo defenseman was attacked and killed by a skinhead. The hate-filled young man used the "gay panic" defense, and despite Peter Karlsson being stabbed 64 times, Miitri Lehto was sentenced to a mere 8 years in prison and is now a neo-nazi icon. Karlsson's teammates organized benefit games and protest marches after the verdict, but Peter Karlsson is still dead simply because someone hated him for who he was.

  How is this relevant to today? Well, simple. As the debate rages in the United States related to the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", far-right wingnuts are pulling out all of the stops to make sure everyone knows how much they hate gays. From fraudulently representing Hitler as a homo to promoting the old preconception of recruit, all is fair according to the newest incarnation of the Klansman. Gays are being portrayed as cross-dressing, violent, AIDS-infected rapists by politicians who just want to see anything related to that dark looking dude fail. But this vitriolic spew gives ammunition to people who rape, maim, and murder homosexuals. Just like Peter Karlsson, all of my friends who have died due to the caustic mindset of another have names. Two of my friends had their brains blown out on my 20th birthday by an "everyday" guy who thought he was doing the work of God. Others have been stabbed, shot, and beaten to death. My homeboy Rahim was thrown from the balcony of his 22nd-floor apartment. Junior, Deanna, Joe, and all the others are gone because someone believed filthy, divisive rhetoric.

  When people are seen as a group or a label by another, as opposed to distinct living beings, rights become distorted. If the scum-spewers are forced to view those they preach against as human beings with names and faces they may be inclined to let them be. It was indeed the nazis who viewed humans as collectives, as labels, in order to convince their flock to view others as inferior. When people lose their individuality and form cultish factions they also view others in the same way. Individuals become melted into a plastinated, dehumanized compendium. And it makes it easy, almost trendy, to hate.

  We need to become aware of the fact that when one group is subjugated with ease, others follow. When they are done with the Mexicans and the gays they will need a new target. And when the neo-cons are done with foreigners, gays, jews, blacks and others they see as inferior, they might just decide that YOU are next. And there will be nobody left to stand up in your defense.

Think twice before you decide that you are better than any other man simply because of the way you were born.

Be well.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Cool Toy

The sex toy industry is a multi-billion dollar a year business. Old and young, single and married, it is a safe bet that a fair percentage of you own a vibrator of some sort. The problem is that the majority are made in chinese sweatshops and are powered by batteries that are toxic to the environment once disposed of. So what's an earth-conscious girl to do?

  The Irish couple behind Earth Angel sex toys has an 8-inch app for that.

  Caden Enterprises manufactures vibrators that require no outside battery source. You see, much like that survival radio you keep in your trunk, they have a flip-out hand crank to charge the internal battery. You'll never need to make an emergency run for a package of Duracells every again. Not only that, but you can also charge it with your computer or solar panel's USB port, presumably while you are reading my blog ;)
  The packaging is recyclable, as is the vibator, but who needs to send something that lasts forever to the bin anyways? (And admit it trash collectors, you'd be a tad weirded out if you saw one of these in the green bin) But I haven't gotten to the best part- after not being able to find an Irish company to make this, the wise minds at Caden opted for an English manufacturer. That's right- no pre-teens in Bangladesh or wherever getting their hands fried by an injection molder for 12 cents an hour. WIN.

  If your bespectacled biology professor comes to work more cheerful than Richard Simmons at a fat farm, you'll know why. She's discovered the Earth Angel vibrator.

  If you feel like releasing your inner hippie go HERE to find out more

Star Treatment

 The World Cup is set to commence, and flaky Argentine cokehead coach Diego Maradona has already made his presence felt in Johannesburg.

   Seems the notorious admirer of Chavez and Castro had issue with the washroom facilities at the Pretoria High Performance Centre. Due to a demand from the Argentine Football Association, Maradona's crappers will be given new wash basins, cisterns, toilets, taps, and the snazzy E-Bidet toilet seat. Apparently the heated seat has bidet wands (which I'm sure Diego knows all about) and an ass drier. For a dude who claims hate for all things decadent and American, this seems a little posh to me.

   Everyone who follows the Cup knew it would be just a matter of time until the narcissist with a penchant for partying would make the event all about him. 

  The 5'4" nutbar has also promised to run naked through the Obelisk in Buenos Aries if the Argentines win.

  Go Brazil!!

What's Your Take?

 PeTA is well known for their use of naked models to promote their various causes and has drawn applause from some and fire from others who see the animal-rights group as exploitative. So here is PeTA's latest ad and I want your take on if this is cool in your books, but I'll stick my 2 cents in because it's my blog and I can.

   This hot mama is the immensely talented Olivia Munn and like most of us, she can't stand live animal performances. Circuses are inherently abusive because animals cannot consent to ridiculous tricks and are abused from birth to force them into compliance. And none of us should be teaching our children that animals serve to entertain us by dancing on balls. In Olivia's mind, going au naturel is kind of a statement for the freedom that elephants are denied via forced servitude. Yes, she is very attractive and we do enjoy looking at her and it draws us into reading the fine print, but it is her body and her choice to be naked to make a political statement. Nobody is putting a gun to her head or torturing her with a cattle prod in order for her to do this. Nor is she being spoon fed cocaine to make her perform a la a porn victim. She is free while truly victimized women as well as the animals she chooses to stick up for are not. It is not a crime to be beautiful, but some see it as offensive for women to intelligently own their own bodies and use them to make a point.
  Personal prudishness does not equal exploitation.

   Now for you people: Is my assessment of PeTA and Olivia Munn fair or is my head in my ass? Is all human nakedness pornographic? And does this sort of advertising bother you? Does context play a part or is the medium the message? Let me hear it.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

On With Her Pan! : 5 Foods You Should Never Eat Raw

   Much ado has been made about raw diets in the press. Raw foodies believe that heating of consumables to a temperature higher than 40 degrees centigrade destroys their nutritional profile. There are many variations of the diet, from the Primal Diet, consisting mainly of animal products, to Vegan and Vegetarian variations. While there seems to be very little to prove or disprove the raw diet theory, we probably would do well do increase our intake of raw fruit and veggies as a general rule. As with any drastic dietary change, some care should be taken to maximize benefits and avoid negative consequences. With this in mind I bring you a partial list of foodstuffs that should never be consumed without cooking.

#1 : Honey

  Parents have been cautioned to avoid giving unpasteurized honey to young children due to potential botulin toxicity. That aside, people tout the supposed health benefits of consuming honey straight from the hive as a potential antibiotic, and applied topically to ulcers or wounds may indeed be helpful. Unfortunately, much honey comes from British Columbia and other areas where Rhododendrons are a favourite of bees. Honey was actually used as a biological weapon against enemies in at least 2 known wars. The culprit here is Grayanotoxin, found in plants of the Heather family.
  Raw honey can contain a poison that in rare instances is fatal. C22H36O7 can cause symptoms ranging from weakness to severe cardiac irregularities like Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. Grayanotoxin is an Ion Channel Toxin in the same family as Cobratoxin.

  If you still insist that raw is best and are willing to take a little risk, I offer up the following pointers. First, be an adult- children cannot decide for themselves how to mitigate risk and you should do this for them. Next, go for an organic source like your own hives and become aware of bee behaviour and plant life around you. A varied diet produces more nutrient-rich honey and can water-down Rhodotoxins to a reasonably safe level. If you purchase honey, know the farmer or at least avoid bee barf from British Columbia, Japan, Brazil, Nepal, and the western United States. NEVER give unpasteurized honey to any child under the age of 2 under any circumstances.

#2 : Red Kidney and Cannellini Beans Including Sprouts

   Many beans, including broad beans contain Phytohaemagglutinin, which is reduced 200-fold by boiling for as little as 10 minutes. Red kidney beans have the highest concentration of this lectin than anything else on the planet. As few as 5 beans or their sprouts will induce nausea, followed by severe vomiting and diarrhea While it generally won't kill you, bean poisoning is far from pleasant and can result in severe pain and dehydration. It has also been noted that beans cooked in slow cookers that do not reach 80 degrees centigrade have also caused this type of food poisoning. And you just thought that PHA made you fart.

  Sorry raw foodies, kidney beans are off the menu. But if you insist, don't blame me when you are sitting in emerg getting an IV. You were warned.

#3 : Milk

  Primal Diet fans claim that healthful components of dairy are killed during pasteurization, but this is simply untrue. Dairy in and of itself is linked to allergies, type 1 Diabetes, autoimmune diseases, and heart disease. Raw foodies suggest that cooking milk causes lactose intolerance, but that again is not true. lactose is a foreign substance and if your body doesn't dig it, it just doesn't.
  Raw milk and cheeses have been linked to severe outbreaks of Listeria, several types of Salmonella, Q Fever, Campylobacters, E. Coli, Brucellosis, Yersinia, Brainerd diarrhea, strep and staph infections. Even rabies and tuberculosis have been linked to unpasteurized dairy products. Every one of these nasties can kill you or cause permanent disability. Bummer.

  If you feel like playing Russian Roulette with your health, go ahead and buy a cow and pray that no wildlife infect it with tuberculosis. Louis Pasteur came up with his methods because people were getting seriously ill from consuming dairy products. While it is my personal opinion that nobody should consume dairy products of any type, you should opt for organic produce that is pasteurized. If you are grown and feel like taking the risk, go ahead. If you feed this shit to your kids or pregnant wife, you are an asshole of the worst kind. The majority of fatal reactions to diseases encountered by raw milk consumption have been amongst children or pregnant women, along with those with immune disorders. That said, typically large and healthy individuals have become catastrophically ill from raw dairy products. If you consume them and wind up needing a kidney transplant, don't whine to me.

#4 : Meat

  Proponents of the Primal Diet claim that cooked meat causes cancer, and this may be the case, as all meat has been linked to colon cancer. They claim that raw meat is man's natural diet when it is simply untrue. Humans began as herbivores and began consuming meat after the advent of fire. While Inuit do consume some raw flesh, they also have the lowest life expectancy on the planet due to ridiculous heart disease rates.

  While raw foodies eat organic and thusly avoid pesticides and many superbugs, they are still at risk for many of the same creepies found in raw dairy. In addition, Trichinellosis can leave your body ravaged and weak for months. Critters such as Salmonella and Toxoplasmosis thrive in raw flesh, as well as various icky worms. The Tapeworm has been found in beef to be sure, but the pork tapeworm can cause cysts on your brain resulting in insanity and paralysis. Fun.

  But why do Eskimos survive after eating raw meat? Well, it is about time and temperature. It is chilly, the water is salty, and consumed very very quickly before bacteria in the fish can multiply. They are still playing with their health if they consume raw deer or caribou. As for sashimi, it has actually been frozen prior to human consumption, killing most of the bacteria in the fish.

   While restaurants do indeed serve tartare-type dishes, the meat is generally frozen and thusly safer although not all parasites are killed. Maria Callas, fond of raw meat throughout her life, was continually infested with tapeworms that may have shortened her life. If you REALLY can't live without raw meat, go grass-fed and consume it as quickly as possible after it is killed. Freezing it is a much better option, especially with fish. It is still playing a dangerous game that I do not understand. again, feeding raw meat to any child or pregnant woman is a most serious no-no. Seriously though, either go vegan or fire up your grill. This coming from someone who used to eat raw meat and eggs and is counting her luck.

#5 : Cassava

   Indigenous cultures understand that there is something in Cassava root that can make you very sick. Insufficiently processed cassava can cause Konzo, a debilitating paralytic disease. The onset is sudden and the disability is permanent. The roots and leaves of this plant contain 2 cynanogenic glucosides, that free cyanide throughout the body. The more bitter the root, the more dangerous.
  In addition to Konzo, excessive consumption of cassava can cause permanent pancreatitis, tropical ataxic neuropathy, and goiters.

  Cassava production is also toxic to the environment. In South America, toxic cyanide effluents from cassava flour production have caused much pollution. Even small operations have produced enough cyanogenic compounts to severely effect the environment.

  When it comes to cassava, if you are not in an impoverished nation, there is no real need to consume it, so just don't. While cassava flour has become popular due to coeliac disease and irritable bowel disease, it causes such negative ecological impact to make us think of looking elsewhere. Never consider consuming raw cassava in any amount, EVER. As little as 40 grams of bitter cassava root can kill a cow. A COW. 'Nuff said.

  The world is a dangerous place and not all sources of nutrition can be consumed by our sensitive systems. Many plants like mustard and parsnips have built in defense mechanisms that have evolved so herbivores will stay away. Most diets can be healthful, but we should always be aware of what can harm us and what can help us thrive. There is much truth to he old latin proverb that states "what nourishes me also destroys me.".

A Close Pop Culture Shave

Justin Bieber Shaving from Greg Leuch on Vimeo.

 Every couple of years a new teen idol gets his or her shot at all the gold. From Buddy Holly to The Osmonds and New Kids On The Block to Justin Bieber, every so often someone becomes famous in an instant and saturates the market. With Google hitting the interwebs a little over a decade ago, stardom has become fast and explosive, making famous everyone from Anna Kournikova to Susan Boyle and everything in between. Because Google now controls over 90% of all internet advertising, their top picks become household names to everyone from Sri Lanka to the Arctic Circle. However, there will always be a segment annoyed by the rise of the hearthrob.

  With this in mind, techie Greg Leuch has come up with an app for Firefox and other selected platforms called Shaved Bieber. With this tool, folks annoyed by the constant mention of Bieber on social networking and other websites can erase mentions of The Bieb. While I simply choose to ignore references to pop-culture phenomena that are not my taste, some fragile souls simply don't have the resolve. I have considered installing the plug-in for the sole purpose of seeing how pervasive the Justin Bieber phenomenon has become, but I'll leave that to someone else. It's not worth my time.

  The pop star has become larger than life at the speed of sound, and the backlash has responded in kind. There were kids perturbed with their little sisters' obsessions with which New Kid or Monkee they wanted to marry to be sure, but since the internet has all of those pesky cookies and the instant gratification factor, some kids get overwhelmed. And when they get slammed, reverse psychology kicks in- they may have dug The Bieb or Ke$ha for a minute but hypersaturation causes a fall greater and quicker than in years past. Next year we will be on to new kids that will get their chance at fame and the opposite reaction that is behind the pet projects of those like Mr. Leuch's.

   As long as people keep reproducing, there will always be a fresh crop of 13 year old girls and new icons for them to faint at the sight of. If today's barely pubescent hero irritates you enough to want him removed from your browsing experience or you simply want to try out your own web culture experiment, click HERE to test out Shaved Bieber for yourself.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Bacon-Related Post Of The Week

You'd think he'd go for authenticity by cooking the flesh like a good little Fuhrer.

Yes, I'm STILL going to Hell.

Douche Bag

 Never content to leave well enough alone, Christian Audigier has spread his vomit-inspired Ed Hardy line to include lighters for your meth pipe, booze to get co-eds trashed enough to sleep with your douchey ass, and hand sanitizer to hopefully kill the herpes virus after drunkenly giving a hand job to a guido.

  So it seems only natural to venture into a line of boner bags and sex toys. While I can only envision that an Ed Hardy sex toy will have a battery-powered voice that says "Heyyyyy foxayyy mama, wanna check out my situation?", it doesn't seem that the brand associated with sex repellant should be associated with rubbers.

  But there is an explanation. Like the way-too-small t-shirts, the jimmy hats come in snugger sizes so they won't fall off the kind of steroid-shrunken wang owned by the kind of cat that wears Audigier's horrid handicrafts. The downside is that guidette's vajazzle job is probably going to tear these suckers to smithereens. All-in-all though, we should applaud Audigier for attempting to ensure that the monster he helped to create doesn't reproduce.

   Quick question though : Is Jon Gosselin going to endorse them?

Friends Don't Let Friends...

.. set their kids up for a lifetime of irritation by misspelling their names.

  I know so many people who want to seem unique and give their kids normal-sounding names with atrocious spellings in order to seem "unique" or "crafty". It's bad enough that your future molecular biologist is going to grow up with a name like Raisin Flatulence, but at least spell-check it before you sign on the line.

  A name can signify strength or power while being sufficiently adorable enough for a kid if we spell them correctly. People frequently skew spellings of traditionally masculine names to apply them to girls. The problem is that when you name your micromama Jacksin or Maddysyn, they don't seem set up for a future as an attorney, but as a stripper.If you want your child to have a name that conveys authority, utilize the age-old spellings ; Ariel, Eden, Madison, and Ashley may be traditionally male nomers, but are all fine examples of this.

   And wee men may be less often victimized by the weird name, but it happens. I've heard of boys named Rl (Earl), Shjon (Shaun),  and Tieler (Tyler). You can give your boy a name like James and he'll probably let you call him Jamie as a kid and prefer Jim as an adult, but if you name him Jaymi he'll send you the bill for an expensive change of that as soon as he's 18.

   Friends don't let friends set their kids up for a lifetime of torture from students and confusion from teachers. Ridiculous and erroneous monikers do not look good on most job applications, unless no-longer-little Kristiffer is applying to Chippendale's. Choose your kid's name wisely. He or she will be the one stuck with it for 80 years.


Greatful that my parents didn't name me MeShell.

The photo above is of hockey player Shane Morrisonn, whose parents decided to confuse the world by spelling it Shaone.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

This IS Terrorism

 Watch this video. It is of a group of domestic terrorists blowing up a bank in Ottawa a few days ago. In it they also imply that they are going to launch attacks during the G8 and G20 summits and promote the reckless destruction of Canadian banks to protest treatment of aboriginals and the environment.

   In a nation where the right to peaceful protest is ingrained in the constitution, this is absolutely unacceptable. Also, considering that these yoyos are claiming to be environmentally conscious, I find it somewhat ironic and entirely moronic that they are using a petroleum explosive and a gas-powered getaway vehicle.

  Where there is a terrorist, there is also a hypocrite.

Florida CAN Be A Funny Place

  A 31 year old Florida woman received a surprise when she renewed her driver's license by mail. Instead of her street address, it stated that she was from "Eat Ass".

   Ashlee Lineberger thought she was seeing things, but she wasn't. when her somewhat steamed husband went to the DMV for an explanation, everyone in the office started howling. While the Linebergers are now pleased that the government is going to sort things out, they are left to wonder what kind of yoyos work for the state.

   She will be sent a new ID but will keep the semi-obscene one for posterity. She also prays that she doesn't get pulled over whilst she waits for the corrected card. At least the cop will know what's on her mind.

  Yes, I'm immature.

The Epitome of Dark

 20 year old Ryan McCann was given an 8 year prison term after pleading guilty to 26 charges relating to the most obscene case of cyber-bullying ever.

  The little weasel used a ruse of having a tame modelling company and then hacked into all of his victims' computers. But this is just the beginning of the evil. He then used extortion and threats of violence to force his victims to perform grotesque acts via webcam for his "personal enjoyment". I won't tell you what these atrocities are because some are so revolting that you would puke and at least 10 of the girls were under 16. He also forced two 15 year old girls to perform on him on live camera and terrorized one child so severely that he believed she would commit suicide. His favourite ploy involved claiming to "recruit" the friends of the little girls into his rape scheme.

  But what is most disturbing about this little stain on humanity is his lack of remorse. Three years ago a psychiatrist labeled him a future predator, and in hindsight the doctor was absolutely correct. This shit told the court that he engaged in the evil because he enjoyed the "thrill of being a predator". When informed that he was caught after the Mounties connected a common spelling error amongst his 11 internet identities, his retort was "So, next time, I'll learn to spell better.".

  This psychopath is the exact reason why Canada has a Dangerous Offender law mandating indefinite sentences for individuals so sociopathic they are too hazardous to be among the general public. Hopefully during the minimum 6 years he will spend in federal pen he will be given the ultimate sentence, but in the meantime he will be kept amongst the harshest beasts in the land.

  Enjoy your time with the big fellas, pretty boy. You are going to be given a crash course in exactly what it means to be a victim.

  Rot in hell.

Cry Me A River

 19 year old Nancy Nguyen has taken to the national news to protest Georgia's punishment for young drivers who illegally pass school buses.

   Seems she's pissed off about having to write a sentence 2500 times after being nailed for passing a stopped school bus. Folks under 21 who are caught endangering kids by not respecting their right to cross are expected to write the phrase "I will not dishonour myself by passing a school bus."

   Miss Nguyen doesn't think she should have to comply and claims she didn't see the bus. We ALL have excuses for every traffic ticket and cops don't bow to our every whim.

  It is this girl's attitude that is the exact reason why she should have to comply. Nobody else has whined to CNN . She claims embarrassment at the sentence, so I wonder how she's feeling now that everyone in Georgia knows that she is an entitled driver. She could have smoked little children crossing the street and doesn't care. I say call her bluff. Lock her up in the Atlanta County bucket for a few hours and she'll change her egotistical mindset in a heartbeat.

  Laws exist for very valid reasons, and when they are broken we pay the fine and move on. Judges do not exist to pander to the incessant cries of spoiled little shits with no regard for human life.

Enjoy your day in court princess.


Stop Me If You Think It's My Birthday

 May 22nd is The Day Of The Serial Epic according to this odd astrology book my mother has, and is also my birthday. It is the rarest birthday save for February 29th in the Gregorian calendar and nobody is really sure why.

  I share this day with many artists and political folks, some athletes, and even a video game character. But among Richard Wagner, Harvey Milk, Susan Strasberg, Bernie Taupin and the others is one epically incredibly chap that influenced the youth of many of us.

  Stephen Patrick Morrissey. The Mozz. The man with the elastic voice.

  Morrissey is one of the most prolific songwriters of the past couple generations and has influenced numerous musical genres and been covered by everyone from Coldplay to Radiohead. Even oddities like TATU have made his words their own. A forever critic of mindless pop culture and the father of modern indie rock, The Mozz laid out the framework for intelligent wordplay in modern music.

Happy Birthday to Morrissey and to everyone who has felt his presence in their soul.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Sport Imitates Life

 Not all of you have the sports geekitude of some of us, but sport is one of those great equalizers.

  All of us have dreams, and hard work and dedication can indeed pay off.

  Cue to Chicago Blackhawks rookie goaltender Antti Niemi, one of this year's playoff darlings. This guy never went drafted and was completely off the radar until recently. 5 years ago, this guy wasn't a pro goalie, 2 years ago he was playing in the bowels of the Finnish second division and made ends meet as a Zamboni driver. He still had to take a day job last summer because his minor-league salary wasn't enough to take a break. It wasn't overnight, but this guy has finally made it when most guys would have given up.

  I picked Chicago at the beginning of the playoffs because of their youthful will and penchant for finding older guys seemingly out of nowhere, and Antti Niemi seems like a gift from a higher being. He won't complain that his $800 000 salary is 1/7th of that of his backup's take-home because he's happy to be fighting for the ultimate prize. He and his primarily underpaid mates have made Roberto Luongo ($7.5million salary) and Evgeni Nabokov ($6million) look like mere mortals. Funny things happen when you give a guy the chance at greatness.

  Everyone forges their own path, and often times the road less traveled the one not only to material wealth, but character. True leadership is crafted through struggle versus pampering. Never give up- be like Antti Niemi. He saw his goal and patiently toiled until he could realize it. While we might not all be destines to be rock stars or athletes, it is important to stay the course. Determination may never bring you fabulous riches, but it will give you those things that money can never buy.

Watch Your Kids

 Parents are justifiably shitting bricks in British Columbia after some checked their kids' Facebook pages and discovered that grade 11 and 12 students at Lord Teedsmuir School in Surrey had a contest to see how many 8th grade girls they could have sex with.. The school has kids as young as 12 being educated with those as old as 19.

  Naturally, the school officials have spoken with the young girls warning them of the dangers of predatory seniors. Seniors have also been told of the legal ramifications of their rape contest. The legal age of consent in Canada is 16. Afterward, similar contests were found amongst other BC high schools. and girls are being cautioned that they are viewed as "fresh meat" by a generation of future men who have been raised to believe that children are nothing more than objects in our overly sexual society. Their group had the ominous moniker of The Little Girl Slayers Club. I shit you not.

  When did we become so desensitized, so inhuman, that our kids are turning into predators? If I found that an 18 year old was courting my 13 year old, I'd cut his nuts off. If that was my kid involved in this, I'd turn him in to the cops for his own good. All of these punks should be incarcerated like the rapists they are.

   Guard your girls like the angels they are and teach your boys the true definition of respect.

  This shit makes me sick and it's only going to get worse if we don't step up as a people.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Buy My Shit

 I have once again amassed an amazing sports memorabilia collection. And as such, I will offer up for sale a ridiculous item every so often for your collection as I opt for items from athletes I enjoy and through acquisitions have obtained spectacular investment grade collectibles of athletes I don't collect, but am sure some of you will.

  Today's objects of art involve a couple of exemplary athletes, and you can own the ultimate. Yes, there is a price, but awesomeness costs- and will pay off in the future.

  With this in mind I bring you...

1995-96 Collector's Choice Platinum Player's Club Wayne Gretzky Graded Near Mint (2 minor imperfections visible under microscope)
The Platinum cards were issued in packs that offered a 1 in 1000 pack chance of scoring a platinum insert ( i have dozens if you want a player) . With over 400 cards offered, you stood a 1 in 411,000 pack chance of scoring the coveted #1 Gretzky. Upper Deck honchos kept several of these for themselves and as such you had a 1 in a million chance of scoring this item.

And I'm offering mine up for you with a custom black top-load and shipping included. Sweet eh? Even better, for far lower than market value.

$80 will score you or your kid this once-in-a-lifetime 99 that will only increase in value. (psst, that price is around 70% of what "discount" hobby stores are selling this for. The only ebayer that has this has it listed for $120)

Why am I ponying it up? Well, I didn't dig Gretz being a Flyers fan and I figure one of you will enjoy this far more than I.

FAQ : Okay, how do I get this in my paws? : Easy! e-mail or tweet me and I'll hook you up. I'll take everything from a money order to WU to even a PokerStars deposit to rid me of this. I hate Gretzky but I know you love him so I'll make it easy.

Buy My Investment Grade Shit. If you want to.

You Can't Cast This Part

Roman Polanski is a scumbag of the worst kind. He has hidden from the music due him from being convicted of raping an innocent in the worst way and has admitted over the years to enjoying "fucking" all sorts of people well under 18 (and by his own admission, under 13) and paraded an uncomfortable video of him douchebagging all over then 15 year old Nastassja Kinski whilst laughing at American "bourgeoisie".(He stopped dating Kinski when she turned 18) We all know that he's gross and hiding. But Polanski fans, feel a little optimism, for Randy Roman has a staunch defender.

In Woody Allen.

Woody has released statements claiming that his friend is too talented of an artist to be punished now, and that he's a really nice dude who "did something wrong and paid for it". According to the old creeper himself, Polanski "has paid his dues" and is "embarrassed by the whole thing". He has also "suffered". I shit you not.

Okay Woody, we all know that Mia accused you of molesting her kids and counted down the days until Soon-Yi was 17 before deflowering her in a hearse. (Yes, the only vehicle as mortifying as the idea of Woody with a woody) I suspect that you might be offering up a slightly one-sided view here. The opinion of a narcissist who likes barely-legal mamas just might not be the kind that Wretched Roman needs right now. But it is really not a shock in the vein of the names on the Polanski Petition- I mean we kind of expect a weirdo like Woody to stick up for his kind. Who knows, maybe such a celebrity "endorsement" might put the proverbial nail in the coffin of Paedophile Polanski- American jury pools already have a bias against Woody Allen, and might not feel the shine for one of his perverted pals.

  Either way, Polanski deserves to enjoy zero quality of life- to spend his 80th birthday in cells or at least too afraid to leave his domicile. If you engage this monster including working in any capacity in his future films, lose my number.

  Art is fantasy, and no amount of prowess can cause reality to vanish, but only obscured. Adolph Hitler was a skilled artist and Usama bin Laden a phenomenal poet , and we recognize these men as wretched, yet idolize contemptible characters like Henry Ford and Roman Polanski. We need to come to a time where we recognize Ford as one of the most bigoted of capitalists and Polanski as one of the most perverted.

  In the mean time we will watch as Hollyweird degrades itself further via its support for the most abominable of wretches. But while we are doing it, take a moment and think about the innumerable women and girls victimized by entitled beasts like Roman Polanski and his pampered ilk.

   It's time to place all of the casting couches into a pile and ignite them in honour of all of the victims of the most extreme horror to never hit celluloid.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Quelle Shock

I did a post way back when about Rachel Uchitel. I was disheartened by her going back on her original ethics and becoming mistress to the stars. Well, she's taking the next logical step in fame whoredom, going from high-class (and highly paid) VIP hostess to getting naked.

Rachel Uchitel is posing for Playboy for presumably a large sum of dollars. This after she claimed that she would not engage in such behaviour. She had previously claimed that her family would shit bricks if she were to pose sans attire, but something changed. Wonder if it had something to do with being named as mistress to another high-profile cat in addition to the fame she acquired through kissing and not telling the Tiger tale.

While she won't be showing pink, she will reportedly leave nothing else to the imagination.

Never be surprised when even the likable girl sells her soul to the highest bidder.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


 For those of you who follow ice hockey, you may have heard of this. For those of you who don't, I dare to suspect that the majority of you know what is fair and what is not. With this in mind I bring you the worst rule in any professional sport courtesy of the NHL.

 "The play is not dead when the official blows the whistle, but when he intends to blow the whistle." (rule 78.5 vii)

  The first victim of this season's insanity was Brad May, and he did not score another goal in Detroit . But he wasn't the first high-profile victim. That honour belongs to Marian Hossa, denied the game-tying goal during last years playoffs. (Game 3 vs Anaheim) Both men were denied goals because the referee was too busy to pull the whistle out of his ass. And for those of you who don't know, there are generally 4 officials on the ice at any given time.

  This is an example of a rule that is ripe for abuse. Because it is so arbitrary, refs can disallow goals for no logical reason, opening a door to scuzziness like bribery and favoritism. Because players are fined for critiquing officials and league regulations, they have no recourse against revenge type calls. If you annoy the referee, don't be shocked when you are slapped with ridiculous penalties and have your earned goals denied. It is already an open secret in the league that certain players are treated with kid gloves and permitting this just tips the ice more. Players are somehow expected to now add telepathy to one of their vast array of skills since they are expected to know when the ref felt like blowing the whistle but was too lazy or decrepit to do so.

What other sport gives such an extension of absolute power to a group of human beings?

  It is time for the NHL to revise this insanity before the game becomes the laughing stock of sport.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Scumbags of a Lifetime

Video Courtesy of

I'll warn you beforehand that this post is very graphic and will probably make an old drill sargeant cry.

  Two stains on humanity were arrested in Utah for killing their kid in the most heinous of ways. Nathan and Stephanie Stroop are expected to be charged with a string of felonies related to one of the most revolting crimes I have ever heard of.

  Little Ethan Stacy was sent to spend the summer with his non-custodial mother and her then fiance. Within a week he was subjected to horrors that even Clive Barker couldn't invent for celluloid.

   On May 5th, Nathan Sloop took the 4 year old boy into a room and beat him severely. The mother knew something was up because his face was severely swollen, but really loved her old man. The next day they locked this innocent in a room and rushed off to get married because they were afraid that someone would call the police if they saw the state of the boy.
  The young fellow was beaten and neglected over the next few days as his health deteriorated. Instead of taking the child to a physician, they fed him adult painkillers and ignored his agony.
  Last Friday, the male fuckface phoned Stephanie and told her that Nathan had been scalded in the tub. When the so-called mum arrived at home, she discovered her baby was severely scorched from his feet to his backside and had shit stuffed in his mouth.
  Cue to Sunday morning, when mum went to get a prescription for lazy ass and left her responsibility in the care of a psychopath. When she returned, her son was dead.Instead of raising any kind of objection or alarm, she assisted Nathan Sloop in disposing of her child's body. To avoid identification, they bashed his face in with a hammer and buried him in the mountains. Stephanie Sloop then called Police and reported her son as missing. Eventually Nathan confessed and led cops to his stepson's mutilated remains. When asked why Stephanie didn't report her demented husband, she claimed that she didn't want dicksmack arrested.
Well boo-fucking-hoo.

  This little bitch is exactly the kind of damaged beast that so many women have become. Continually obsessed with male attention and their own needs, a child is just an obstacle. This defenseless being had an entire family willing to care for him, but she just could not have that. She abetted a sadistic freak and she should never be allowed to see the light of day again. As for microdick, well he is a walking poster idiot for a firing squad if there ever was one. These savage stains deserve no quality of life whatsoever. If guards ass-fuck them with batons on an hourly basis, I would feel no sympathy. There has been no punishment invented by man that is sufficient to deal with these horrifyingly demonic subhumans that dared to call themselves parents.

  Even Satan himself couldn't conceive something this abhorrent.

  I hope someone slices you open and allows you to witness maggots consuming your flesh.


  Do you have a little time to kill and the desire to see what paleolithic you would look like?

  Well, The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has an app for that.

  The MEanderthal application, currently avaialble for iPhone and Android phones enables users to upload photos of themselves and see what they would look like way back in time. Users add a few markers, choose which species of early man they wish to become and voila! cave time!.

  Paleo-artist John Gurche created the photos using fossils from early humans so one can magically morph into species including Homo floriensis (95,000 to 17,000 years ago) , Homo neanderthalensis (200,000 to 28,000 years ago) , and Homo heidelbergensis (700,000 to 200,000 years ago). It has become known recently that modern non-africans carry between 1 and 4 percent of Neanderthal genes from early Homo sapiens sapiens mating with other hominids.
  The app is a portable version of an exhibit at the Smithsonian. Creators noticed how many kids where fascinated with the interactive exhibit and decided that iPhone could broaden the reach of a teaching tool that connects us to our ancestors. Plus it's awesome.

  Mobile phones have enabled all sorts of time-wasters, but this one offers more than just something to make one howl after a few spliffs. This is more than a toy, but something you can do with your kids, especially if you can't take them to the Museum located in Washington, DC. And don't worry about whipping out your credit card, because this little diversion is FREE.

  So drag your knuckles on over HERE and score some prehistoric fun today.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Happy Birthday - Well Almost

To a man-made legend. The first video game character was born 30 years ago.

  Pacman. The bigmouthed collection of pixels that started it all. Sure, there was that little spaceship shooter game Space Invaders, but Pac-Man was the first video game icon with a personality. He was originally Puck Man, but when unleashed on North America on my 4th birthday (May 22), his name was changed so teenagers wouldn't vandalize the game by changing the "P" to an "F" . He wasn't a hit in Japan, but when the little yellow guy that ate everything hit our shores, an icon was born.
  Kids loved the idea of a character they could be and its seemingly infinite number of levels meant more bang for your quarter. And there was a nemesis to be afraid of. We empathized with the underdog. And that brought in female fans with their quarters. In a way, Pac-Man became the great geek equalizer.

  Soon after, manufacturers scrambled to invent new icons, and while Q-Bert and Mario might have tried, Pac-Man remains the most identifiable pixel personality on the planet. You can still find Pac-Man in bars, basements, and even on the iPad. While you won't find the lovable glutton on your pajamas anymore, he still makes many many millions of dollars in sales per year and will as long as those of us who remember are still alive.

  So happy (almost) birthday to the groundbreaking little dude that put emotion into gaming.

Long live the most unlikely of kings.

Politics Ain't Pretty

Usually it is Republicans who opt for the more peculiar of the political smear campaigns, but Ohio seems to have raised, er lowered the bar . Actually, they've undressed it.

  When marketers say that using boobs to sell something is a plus, I'm pretty sure this is NOT what they meant.


A New Definition of Cool

 Ben Hedblom is a normal high school senior. He has friends, studies hard, and hopes to graduate very soon. But he is a little different from most teens.

  While his classmates line up to buy the latest in top-down cool, he has worn the same pair of size 11 sneaks since grade nine. See, Ben made a bet with a teacher that he could not only get to graduation, but do so wearing the same shoes. The loser would have to shave his noggin for all to see.

  Mr. Antonini moved on, but Ben remembered the bet and has learned a ton about self-image and staying true to oneself. He used to be like every other kid, interested in the latest trends, but is now a young man who cares little of the opinions of others. His senior class project was centred around the psychology behind his now-tattered shoes, and the lessons he learned earned him a perfect score.

  His shoes flop when he walks and his feet have grown through the toes. Many concerned people have offered up new shoes, but he refuses. He doesn't even know or care if the teacher will hold up his end of the deal so long as he stays cool to himself.

  The teacher was tracked down, and Adrian Antonini plans to shave his head on webcam should Ben last the remaining month until grad.

  Treads of to young Mr. Hedblom for proving that cool is not in what you buy, but in who you are.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Fun(dies) With Existentialism

A number of years ago, my buddy Mitchell gave me a pair of these as a gag X-Mas gift. (along with one of those boob beer can toppers)

Fundies. Underwear built for two.

  The name and potential "use" of this gag gift reminded me of another kind of fundie, this one usually caught with his or her private parts occupying the same area as those of someone not their wedded partner.

   Baptist minister and Focus on the Family fundie George Rekers was caught with a very young fellow he met off of recently and news outlets and blogs like my own gave the play-by-play. It's fair to say that unless his wife regressed 40 years and had a sex change, Lucien ain't Mrs. Rekers.

  He is the latest in a string of so-far-right-they're-staring-at-their-own-asses bigots caught doing things they have damned others for. Guys like Rev. Tommy Tester (arrested whilst wearing a skirt propositioning a cop for a blowjob), Congressman Mark Sanford ( The Argentine Affair), and Ted Haggard (meth and men) are the faces of the epidemic of religion gone bad. But it is not a new phenomenon. Remember Jimmy Swaggart and his whores?

  It is not a problem with religion so much as when one uses the excuse of faith to rid themselves of what disturbs them the most- their own very human desires. Their internal shame is directed outward as hate towards the people who contently live in a way that the suffering fundie wishes he could. If he wants to leave his wife but the Church prohibits it, he pushes for sanctions against female freedom and for male household dominance. If he really wishes to have a partner of the same gender, he will invest his efforts in the pseudoscience of "curing" homosexuality. Should he desire someone of a different race or religion, personal ignominy forces the person to project racism.

   Self-loathing is the disease and there will always be a religion asserting that they can fix your every ill. And if you are brought up in orthodoxy, you will have been indoctrinated with not only self-doubt but something to cling to while you struggle with your right to exist. Theology instills a near-impossible moral ideal and mandates blind allegiance with damnation and derision for those who violate the command of the laws. Moral codes were often instituted by various societies, but these were magically beamed into print by someone claiming to know the will of the supernatural. The books themselves may have been apocryphal by design but are now taken so literally that no human being can completely comply.

  So we confess to priests, cry to the heavens, apologize for sins we may or may not have even thought of committing on Yom Kippur, and pray for perfection. And when we fall short of the instilled archetype, we project that insecurity onto others and punish them for sins real or imagined. And it is not our place to do so.

   Should there truly be a metaphysical overseer of the worlds, this ethereal being would likely view morality in a far different view than in the books created by the most intelligent of creatures. The vengeful old bearded man in the sky is an image of man's views on G-d, and it is an insult to the most extreme degree. Why would the sublime create such variations of creatures for man to instill terror on them? Minorities, be them human or otherwise are simply variations. Where some commit atrocities through free will, others are scorned simply for being born the way they are. G-d doesn't hate, man does.

   If I was floating around the cosmos as the ultimate steward of the universe, I'd be pretty angry with those men who vainly choose to alter my design. The preacher who promises to "repair" my natural method of population control would be the true heretic in my eyes.

  Maybe that is the point to these recent "outings". Entertain for yourself the possibility that their holier-than-thou existence was contrary to the plan of the Creator. Maybe this is some sort of holy revenge for the sin of trying to fix what wasn't broken in the first place.

  Just a thought.

Should I Be Nauseated?

Justin Sisley is a wannabe reality-TV producer from Australia with an interesting concept. A reality show where virgins would be auctioned off and the whole process would be filmed. He is billing it as "The Documentary for the 21st Century".His recruiting posters even feature the likeness of the Virgin Mary and most responders to the "casting call" have walked out after realizing what they were "auditioning" for.

   Since prostitution is illegal in Australia, he is recruiting Aussies willing to fly to Nevada to be deflowered. All you have to be is 16 (the legal age of consent in Australia) or over and be able to avow that you are a virgin because that is somehow very desirable to dirty old men.

  Sisley has lined up several people of both genders and admits that the worst part is telling the parents of those he wants to exploit. The virgins will net around $18 000 to play Russian Roulette with their health and lose every shred of dignity. They will have no say in who fucks them, just a paycheck.

  Call me a conservative here, but I think this is appalling. I do not agree with prostitution in any form, let alone broadcasting all of the awkwardness on television. But at the end of the day, their bodies are their own to degrade as they see fit. The thing most disturbing is the fact that this will be frozen in celluloid for the families and future suitors of those who participate, not to mention their future offspring.

  Have we really sunk so low as a species that we find every form of innocence lost entertaining? In my mind Justin Sisley is a pimp of the most dreadful kind and if he was courting my kid, I'd skin him alive.

   Protect your kids. You have no idea who will be looking at them with lust in their eyes and money on his mind.

Call Me Judgmental..


...excuse me , mum. I think you are forgetting something here. You can tell by the look of helplessness and anger that this child will grow up to murder his parents. And it will be justified.


Into the sky went a legend overnight that brought a revolutionary concept to the fashion world.

  Giuliana Coen Camerino began designing handbags whilst hiding from the Nazis and made them the "it" accessory they remain to this day. Sported by glamourous and powerful women all over the world, the Roberta Di Camerino bag is still among the most coveted of treasures owned by trendy ladies, and for good reason. The matriarch of the Di Camerino fashion house insisted on velvets made on antique looms and clasps made by Italy's finest metalworkers and is credited with making "Made in Italy" a catchphrase for fashion accessories par excellence.

   The humble purse became more than just something to hold a lipstick and keys, but an objet d'art due to the vision of a brave and immensely talented woman who refused to compromise. She can rest well knowing that she created a trend that will never die.

What's Your Take?

  High school students in Silverdale, Washington have been barred from wearing breast cancer awareness bracelets because teachers view them as a "distraction".

  The colourful rubber bracelets sport sayings like "I love boobies! Keep a breast!" and are part of a fundraising effort by Keep-A-Breast that aims to teach young people about early cancer detection and prevention.

  While there is no word on penalties for offenders, it does lead us to ask whether the school is making a big deal out of nothing or whether the bands are too risque for a classroom.

   So I leave the floor to you- would it offend you to have your teen sport one of these bracelets or is the message more important than one word? Who is the boob here?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Blast From The Past

 Remember the Motorola Brick phone? I do. I recently sold one to a film production company. But it brought back memories during the short time I had it in my possession.

My dad had one of these as well as its predecessor, the suitcase mobile phone. My sister was embarrassed because pop would walk around in public places with it. I'm sure he thought he was the coolest dude around. Back then, these things were status symbols, and men with them seemed important.

The Brick ushered in a decade where guys actually used phones in public more than women for the first time in history. What followed was a period of unabashed douchebaggery that remained unsurpassed until the proliferation of the Ed Hardy visual disease.

Yes, I'm THAT old.


A REALLY interesting Craiglist ad appealing to parents with a sick sense of humour. Enjoy!

2002 Focus – good reliable first car – $2000 (Cape Girardeau)

 Date: 2010-04-01, 10:33PM CDT
Reply to: sale-fm8× [Errors when replying to ads?]
Looking for a first car for a teen? This car is absolutely brilliant. It’s got low mileage (68k), has been super reliable, and is excellent on gas. Since you’re likely paying for the gas, this will make things much cheaper on you. I average like 37MPG to a tank. And with such low mileage, it’ll work great for a long long time.
But you wanna know the best reason to buy this car for your kid?
It’s slow as shit. You don’t have to worry about speeding tickets or accidents in this baby. Your kid could have a 1 mile run and hit a brick wall not wearing a seatbelt and not be going fast enough to do shit. And there won’t be any sense in him getting some shitty ass fart can off of eBay – this car has the super slow SPI engine, no sense in trying to make it any faster. It’s a 4-door, so your kid won’t try to put gay ass Lambo doors on it. It is still possible to fit this with a body kit, but if you’d like, for an extra $200, I can stab him in the face if he does this.
It’s a 5-speed, so your kid can’t talk on his cell phone while playing Gameboy and smoking pot – he’ll have to actually pay attention. It also means you won’t have to pay for an automatic transmission when your kid beats the hell out of it. It’s got a new clutch and new tires, so you’ll know if he does burnouts. After all, I’m sure YOU’RE the one paying for tires, right? It’s got an aftermarket head unit in it, so your kid won’t fuck it up when him and his buddies try to wire in a “phat ass system”. It’s already had the speakers replaced too, so he won’t have to tear the door cards on and then look like a retard when he can’t get them back on. It’s got manual windows too, so he can’t fuck up the window motors when he rolls one of his friends heads up in it as a joke. A new battery means when he leaves his headlights on, it won’t leave you totally stranded.
But really though, one of the best parts is that, because it is a 4 door, it will be somewhat embarrassing for him to be seen in. I’m sure you get pissed at him from time to time. Hell, you’re probably mad at him for harassing you into buying him a first car. So get this one. It has no A/C, so you’ll know he’s suffering every time you get mad at him. Pretty satisfying. It’ll bring a smile to your face too, to know he’s rolling around looking like a faggot in a Ford Focus.
So buy this car for your kid. You won’t regret it
Contact: 573-334-4363

Proofreading Isn't For Everyone

 Exactly WHAT are they selling here?

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me

Bullying is a hot topic nowadays, and for good reason. Kids are more brutal to each other than ever and schools are struggling with ways to stop it. And Prairie South School Division in Saskatchewan, Canada has gone about it the WRONG way.

  Robert Coomber is the father of a couple of kids, and like most country kids, they ride the bus to school. His youngest is a 5 year old boy named Ryan who is a little different from most of his peers. You see, he lost his leg in a lawnmower accident and uses a prosthetic leg. Instead of admiring the bravery and dignity displayed by their younger schoolmate, kids tortured him every day on the hour-long bus ride to school. The much older kids hit him, stole his backpack, and even tried to pull of his artificial leg. After discovering what was going on, Dad was pissed off and decided to have a chit-chat with the parents of the brats who had been terrorizing his baby.

  Pop thought all was resolved until a 13 year old (yeah, a teenager) punched his little man out, giving his kid a facial injury. That's right, one of the biggest kids on the bus wailed on the smallest and nobody did anything about it. Mr. Coomber was just as upset as any of us would be if that were our microman.

  The good dad called the parents of the bullies again, and the parents wouldn't hear it. He then asked the school to discipline the punks. The bus driver and principal directed him to go to the school board, and dad plead his case for suspension as the board claims to have a no-bullying policy. The response - "your children are no longer welcome on our buses. You will need to drive them to and from school to ensure their safety." I am NOT kidding. They even offered to pay the dad for his time. The bullies were not only not chastised for their insensitivity, the victim and his sister were punished.

  What the HELL is going on here?

  We tell our kids that if someone is beating on them and they cannot defend themselves that grown-ups are safe. We tell them to go to their teacher, principal, parents, or someone else trustworthy. To a 5 year old, 13 year olds seem like adults who shouldn't be beating them down. Due to the disturbing actions of the bus driver and all of the other people who should be able to be trusted, this awesome young fellow has learned that adults are dangerous. Even the Province's education minister (yes, the dude who oversees everything education-related for millions of folks) seemed to pussyfoot around the situation.

if this was my child I wouldn't have the grace that Papa Coomber has. I'd blow the most serious of onions. And if I was the esteemed Education Minister, I wouldn't be cowering and giving little "the case has been referred to the school board that we know is the problem" excuse. I'd be head-hunting. I would make sure that the kids were suspended, as well as the principal and every other adult in a position of authority. The bus driver should be fired and the school board investigated for their part in this travesty. And any of the little assholes 12 or older who took part in this (12 is the legal minimum in Canada) should be arrested since it is painfully obvious that their parents have ZERO interest in instilling responsibility in their offspring.

It is OUR obligation as adults to protect those most vulnerable, and an entire sick collection of older citizens conspired to make the life of a 5 year old and his parents miserable. And I am lost as to how to understand why. Behind the most horribly behaved children are incompetent people who claim to call themselves parents. Some people simply are not qualified to care for children. And sometimes the most heinous bullies are people old enough to vote.

Hug your kids and defend them to the death.

Contact Hon. Ken Krawetz, Education Minister and Deputy Premier of Saskatchewan HERE

Seeing IS Believing

 A fictitious yo-yo champion named K-Strass has been featured no fewer than 5 times on Midewest morning news shows to the horror of the anchors and amusement of audiences. You see Kenny Strassberg pulled a fast one. And he is brilliant.

  In e-mail solicitations, K-Strass claimed to represent the world's only green yo-yo manufacturer and to be a professional at the obscure sport. His press release of sorts detailed a history of phony championships and awards and a positive message to people. And everyone loves a hard-luck story like the one K-Strass came with.
  News shows, always hungry for a space-filler in the mornings, jumped at the chance to book someone of such a magnitude without bothering to check out the facts. For example, there is no Walt Greenberg award in yo-yo for K-Strass to have been nominated for. And those duped outlets quickly discovered he was absolutely terrible.

  K-Strass vanished after discovery and everyone wants to know who he is. Turns out his agent Joe Guerke is really comedy filmmaker Joe Pickett and K-Strass may well be Pickett's business partner,Nick Prueher. They tour the country showing strange films and outtakes for the purpose of laughs. Mr. Prueher denies that he is, in fact, K-Strass. However his Found Footage Festival was not far from where the last news program placement took place. Curious.

  This con was pure genius. Everyone wants to know who this guy is. Like Andy Kaufman and Sacha Baron Cohen before him, K-Strass pulled a comic sneak attack on the masses and wound up with a TON of free publicity. And the quick denial plays into the sense of want that we have to find out everything about a person and will just magnify his spotlight while he concocts his latest and greatest gag. This is elementary level marketing stuff kids. Give people a taste and leave them wanting for more.

   The duped news programs feel slighted by the ruse, but they need not be, for they too garnered more national coverage than they could ever dream of in an instant. While they may feel stupid for failing to fact-check they scored laughs and ratings that only such a character can provide. This is indeed a fraud, but one calculated in such a non-malicious fashion that all benefit from it. If the message is a cautionary "don't believe what you read" tale, it has served its purpose. If it is a ploy for publicity, it worked. If it was simply for fun, it is classically hilarious.

  Look out for Kenny Strassberg/Nick Prueher to lay low and then launch more similar gags to brighten his own star. He might just be the American answer to Borat. Or he may vanish into obscurity if that is what he desires, however I doubt that entirely. We love a good gag that borrows from the masters and is just different enough to make us take notice. If the character known as K-Strass markets himself correctly, he will be laughing all the way to the bank with the rest of us along for the ride.

  Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously, and the Mystery Man is just the medium to convey the message.

WTBlue FUCK of The Weak

 Some people don't do well with emotional wounding. Whether they have been scorned by a lover or ripped off by an old buddy their ire will not be calmed without exacting some sort of punishment on the person who has done the perceived wrong. With that in mind, some industrious British geeks have come up with mail-order revenge of the uncomfortable kind.

  For 15 BPS plus shipping (or more, depending on how many people have pissed you off) , they will send you crabs in a vial so you can infest your objects home or vehicle with the creepy crawlies. Not soft-shelled Boston crabs, but Pthirius Pubis. The itchy hellfire known as crotch crickets.

  The creators of the enterprise known as claim that their site is no joke and include testimonials from satisfied customers. Their tagline is "Make That Bitch Itch", making it clear that their target audience is comprised of young men. They have employed their geek skills to selectively breed lice that are Kwellada-resistent so that the money spent isn't wasted by some pesky pharmaceutical. There is also a U.S. based website that sells them called with more direct and sinister marketing.

  That's really disgusting, but is it legal? Essentially it hits that grey area of the law. It is not illegal to infest someone with lice, nor to mail eggs. While one could conceivably be sued or charged with criminal mischief, the burden would be on the other person to prove where the infestation originated. I have never heard of a case of someone successfully suing someone for giving them any form of lice for any reason. A court won't hear it because every kindergartener's parents would be suing other ones for their kid getting head lice off of the other kid. Even if the parents intentionally sent an infested child to school as a form of payback, the case would be tossed.

  On a serious note though, if you feel the need to infest someone with ass-hair bungee jumpers, you need serious help. While it may be REALLY tempting to dump these things in your sleazy pool boy's F-150, just dump your old lady and move on. Besides, the little bastards are barely visible  and you can easily infest yourself. And from a particularly embarassing 1994 incident, I know that these things are the party in your pants that all of your worst enemies have been invited to. And it's mean, and acting like your ex isn't going to make your life any better.

   So come one, come all to the Circus Internetus- where everything from ham to porn to pubic lice is bought and sold. I'd like to say this is shocking, but I've seen 2 girls-1 cup.

Be well.