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Friday, April 15, 2011

Call Me Crazy

Last month I was missing for a few days. In February I was also missing for a few days. Many of you sent me tweets and emails, worried that something had happened to me, and while I have returned, something did happen to me. I only told one non-relative this, but both times I was in a mental health facility. I admitted myself voluntarily, but was still embarrassed to tell anyone because of the stigma associated with mental illness.

Looking back, I have probably been afflicted with some form of psychiatric disorder for a long time. My mum was convinced I was crazy and had me put on very experimental drugs as a teen. Both of my parents are openly afflicted with mental illnesses and so are many other relatives. Additionally, I've suffered more concussions than your average football player. Now, because of these many, many factors my nerd brain became obsessed with finding out what to blame for my eccentricities than with taking the needed steps to discover exactly what was wrong and how to fix it.

I'll be honest with you all- I have Bipolar Disorder. There, I said it. And to the best of my knowledge, the heavens didn't crash down. After years of self medicating, denial, and absolute shame I decided to do something about my increasingly fragile mental state.

For the last 2 years, I've been quietly waging a war with a double-edged sword inside my head; scaring off everyone lest they become too close and discover my closely guarded secret. I became petrified of the misconceptions of others; my ego just couldn't accept the idea that a few narrowminded morons would mistake my mental disorder for an intellectual deficiency. Because of my fragile sense of self-worth and general shame, I hid from the world. I've only done a few comedy gigs, I've avoided all of my friends, and I haven't been on a date in almost 3 years. Even though I was up as much as down, I was absolutely convinced that nobody should be subjected to me. I even refused to go to doctors because I was convinced that I was somehow annoying to them.

Let's be clear- almost everybody loves being manic. It's a high greater than that provided by any drug man has ever created. It is powerful, euphoric, superproductive bliss. You can be awake for days, write for 22 hours straight or work on the hottest roofs without stopping for water.The sheer awesomeness makes you forget about the fact that you may indeed be risking your life.
 On the flip side are the depressions, each worst than the last, pain worse than your parents getting cancer. It's real, and you not only can't stop the sad, you can't figure out how to live. Your mind becomes so progressively polluted by thoughts and visions of death that you eventually do yourself in or make a very serious stab at it.

Both sides of the Manic-Depressive cycle can be toxic to the psyche, and no amount of denial, blame, or Tom Cruise jumping on a couch will make that fact vanish. Mental illness is real, but my actual insanity was in refusing to acknowledge that I am no different from the millions of people on this planet who live with and sometimes die from diseases that are invisible from the outside.

I'm not afraid of the opinions of outsiders anymore. I am becoming myself again- a rational, competent, and confident person with a sound moral foundation and a very fertile mind. So go on, you tweeting twats- make fun of me, I don't care. The time you pea-brained peons spend ridiculing me is time you're not spending bullying someone smarter than you to death. If calling me crazy is the best insult you've got, I'd suggest that you're not very well-armed yourself.


  1. Thank you thank you thank you for this post. Just when I thought I couldn't have any greater respect for you, you go & wow me again. I love your honesty & the hope it gives others. Keep up the good work.

  2. I LOVE you. Who doesn't have 'something'. Everybody has demons, secrets, a story, EVERYBODY! I am just so happy to hear that you are accepting your condition cause that's all it is, a condition that you will deal with for life. Fuck the asshole bullies who just spew out negative comments. Just fuck em all.

  3. Dude, good to hear that you are coming to terms with it. Although, I would have never known it. Thinking of you :)Keep talking and writin :)

    Kim & Emily

  4. Bravo Mika, you will impact more people than you know in a positive fashion. I hope no one ridicules you, and if they do, it will only be in an attempt to conceal their own inadequacies. Even more important than you telling your story, is you realizing you needed to help yourself, too many are ashamed to take that step. I respect you and am always hear to lend an ear. Keep up the excellent work. You are rad.

  5. <3 to you, i know so many people this article will help, i hope you dont mind but im going to share this. Thank you for your honesty and thoughts on the subject

  6. I never mind sharing. Thanks for all of the mad love everyone!

  7. through u sharing this others will find peace, this is why I love u so much. I am glad I found u in this big world, a world that is full of many things but is only filled with one Mika, that is you. BRAVO my dear friend and thank u for ur honesty & sharing this with us all
    leroy box
    ur biggest fan

  8. You're one of my heroes now.. go live your life =)

  9. I think it's more common than not. Our alleged "illnesses" are (in my opinion) more likely just byproducts of being human. I don't think there's a soul on this earth who can say they are 100% scot-free from everything in those intense DSM publications. I agree with the commenter above that everbody's "got" something. I'd even go as far to say that the DSM-IV (is there a V, now?) characterizations are just our present understandings of things we cannot fully grasp-- not trying to get spiritual on anyone, here. I just think that if back in the day, things like slothfulness and homosexuality were attributed to/considered to be mental illnesses, who's to say that what we consider illness today is something different, deeper, beyond our present realm of knowledge?

    I should digress here, because I don't even fully know what I'm saying.

    I think the most important part is to share. To speak up. Being more open about things helps the healing process. I've never had a formal diagnosis (but a doctor did tell me I have depression...but only after I circled 9 questions on a piece of paper...ahem), but I know I have my own battles to fight with my mind.

    I think that's why I enjoy working out so much; it's a tangible manifestation of the power of my mind over my body. Lack of health insurance (which is also an excuse, I suppose) prevents me from getting the proper care (since I'm not a minor and I don't have children, it's hard to get gov'tal assistance), so I don't *know* "what" I am, but I just take each day as it comes.

    You're beautiful and one of the smartest people I know-- and thanks for sharing. I need to work on that aspect!

    Yours rambly,



Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think