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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cats In A Hot Tin Coffin


  St. Charles, Missouri resident Lori Pellin was arrested for animal abuse for leaving her critters in a locked vehicle when it was 90 degrees out to go to a casino.

  Passerby noticed her vast brood of twenty-five cats and two dogs crammed into her Chevrolet Lumina and phoned police. When authorities rescued the critters, they discovered that the vehicle was littered with animal feces and the creatures had no water. Ms. Pellin claimed that she had become homeless and had nowhere for her vast zoo to go and that she just went into the casino to look for a new apartment. (novel idea)

  The good news is that both Ms. Pellin and her animals do have roofs over their heads- one is in jail and 26 lives are awaiting adoption at St. Charles City Animal Control. As an interesting note, one of the dogs was microchipped and had been reported lost and is back home safe.

  I applaud passerby for saving all of these beings. A 90 degree day can become 160 inside a vehicle in a matter of minutes not to mention the oxygen deprivation that would inevitably occur when 27 animals are crammed inside a Chevy. Nobody in their right mind should own this many animals unless the individual has a farm, but it's obvious that this lady is crackers because she stole at least one of these animals from their rightful human. The hoarding of lives is also the likely reason why she was homeless- nobody wants to rent an apartment to someone who aspires to turn their domicile into a zoo. Cats and dogs are not possessions, they are sentient beings with whom you share your life.

  Good on the Police for arresting this bozo and rescuing all of these furballs. If you even consider leaving a living entity inside an oven, I hope you are duly incarcerated.

  The St. Charles City Animal Control Dept is seeking donations and fine homes for these creatures. If you are able to open your home or your wallet call 636 - 949 - 3395

for information on how to prevent heat stroke in your companion animal, click HERE


Tuesday, June 29, 2010


   .... so easy an anarchist can do it.

Can't Hate

  After seeing my Flyers lose to the Chicago Blackhawks this Spring I thought there was going to be nothing Cup-related to make me smile during the off-season, but this is just too good.

  When the Cup is won, numerous appearance requests are fielded by the winning club and its players, so it came as no surprise when the Chicago Gay Hockey Association asked for the hallowed bowl to be included at this year's Gay Pride Parade. The cool thing is one player and his wife decided to make their day by granting the wish.

  Brent Sopel's pal Brendan Burke came out of the closet in the normally homophobic world of hockey and wasn't shunned, but embraced. Unfortunately, Mr. Burke was killed in an auto accident so Brent and his wife thought that the Cup could spread a message of acceptance. And as any hockey player will tell you, the Ubermug loves a good party. The Stanley Cup has been a fixture of every imaginable boozefest in the past, but never a Gay Pride parade. Until Sunday, that is.

  Brent Sopel and his prize joined the Chicago Gay Hockey Association's  float and fans went absolutely NUTS. Even better, the Chicago Cubs not only participated, but Mr. Ernie Banks led the festivities. Chicago's half-million-strong bash marked the first time that representatives from any major pro sport appeared at such an event and it actually IS important.

  Sport has been (wrongly) held as a great bastion of homophobia and when those who have achieved high levels choose to use their voices to unite they become larger than just their games. By taking time out of their lives, Ernie Banks and the Sopel family have achieved a level of humanity that can only be called greatness.

  Chicago, you indeed rock.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Great New Product

  MadeByCosmo has begun selling this gem of a gift for iDorks everywhere.

  The Sound-Enhancing iPad Stand uses reclaimed wood to make a mockery of you. It's a BOX missing a couple of sides with a hole drilled in the side for the power cord. "Cosmo" claims that the box's "built in sideboard amplifies sound to maximize the listening experience" . I'm not exactly sure how it does this, but the "sideboard" does seem to be the only thing keeping this from being a completely flat hunk of wood. The "perfect viewing angle" comes from the fact that the box is slightly too small for the gadget. I'm in wonder at the genius.

  Here's my advice: use your iPad to find the nearest smoke shack and hack off a couple sides of a cigar box. Or take some scraps from a local construction site and that useless tool kit your mother gave you and make your very own pine box for your dignity. And if you decide that your shiny new toy deserves a cheap wood box, you might just want to imbed the screws and cap them. (those wood cap doohickeys are about 10 cents a pop)You CAN do this. I believe in you.

  But if you REALLY aren't capable of creating your own splinter-causing embarrassment, wander over here and pony up $25 (plus $10 to $26 shipping) for the object sure to meet its demise as kindling for the next campout bonfire.

Sign Of The Times

Excuse me while I stop in the Porta-John by the 2st Handoff to drop a doost.

Your Daily Weird

    Marilyn Monroe is as iconic for her curves and raspy voice as her early demise. There are few women who have been as eternally desired as one so loved that her ex would bring flowers to her grave until his final days. Everything that Marilyn has touched commands a hefty price by auctioneers and investors hoping for the likely windfall.

  This weekend, Planet Hollywood held one of their fairly frequent auctions. The earrings worn by Kate Winslet during the filming of Titanic were had for $25 000 USD and Audrey Hepburn's dress from Funny Face took in over $56 000 .

  But it wouldn't be an auction (or this post) without some Norma Jean.

  A set of chest X-Rays taken 8 years prior to her death fetched a whopping $45 000 , 15 times the appraisal amount. That's a lot of bones for pictures of the bones of someone you wish you could bone.

  While some may say that a similarly priced collectible might display better (because that's why people buy artifacts for the most part) I would dig this over an autographed poster .I mean, this IS the only thing of its kind out there. Plus, I'm kind of morbid and would get a kick out of the curiosity of others. Hopefully whomever purchased these isn't going to hide them in a box waiting for their value to rise because the coolness factor is pretty massive.

  Then again, THE Superman costume sold for less at the same auction.

  Feel free to send me either. 

Just For Fun : Retail Rage

  I'm not sure why I find this video to be amusing, but it is just GOLD. From the anger of the disappointed shopper wearing a pro-commie (holy shit!) shirt to the kid to dry-humping the window, there is just something immensely amusing about the spectacle. The piece de resistance is when dude asks everybody if they give a shit.

 It should be noted that they were beginning the evacuation of the building and parts of it would be seriously messed up by rioters wearing similar shirts to the angry shopper.

  Maybe he wanted to buy expensive underwear for all of the people pissing themselves after watching this video.

  Let the virus begin...

Proofreading Isn't For Everyone

And that includes anarchists.

Clueless Rebellion Toronto, people are protesting the police. In their views, the Metro Toronto Police Force is trying to take over the city and violate their rights. There are people with placards protesting a police state and oppression and all of these horrible( and imaginary) crimes. For those of you who need a primer, i'll boil it down for you.

  During the past few days, Toronto hosted a 20-nation meeting which, among other things, was meant to resolve trade agreements and contributions of aid to those less fortunate. Anarchists have been protesting this for weeks for a myriad of reasons- some to protest the government's treatment of aboriginals, some to protest capitalism, some to protest Israel, and some just to start shit. The police arrested around 900 people for possessing objects like bricks and incendiary devices or assaulting officers. A minority of the detained were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and have been simply released.
  The Police have been on alert since a bank in Ottawa was firebombed and the YouTube video incited others to destroy banks and other signs of "elitism", as we all know that Canadian banks surviving the recession better than many others is just such a monumental tragedy.

  And sure enough, protesters trashed banks and police cars as well as other corporate buildings. But I know Toronto and some of the businesses they damaged are mum-and-pop shops. Toronto is full of locally-owned businesses that were also attacked by these mindless anarchist douchebags. And even if you hate large corporations, you know this is wrong. The little guy is the backbone of any sustainable economy and to attack him is to beat on yourself and your principles.

  The Constitution guarantees the right of peaceful assembly and when you choose to go outside those boundaries you violate the rights of others. Not everyone protesting was a hateful activist, but plenty of people stood by to watch their friends destroy the places where people eat, bank, work, and play. The lives of millions of people were altered, albeit momentarily, because a certain element of society decided to engage in mass stupidity. These people violated the rights of their neighbours to take a peaceful stand for what they believe is right or wrong about Canadian and Global society. So yes, the Police stopped and questioned thousands of people and it was an inconvenience to some. But just think for a second about the mayhem that would have ensued if the cops just stood there and allowed the fringe to become the majority.

  The right to assembly is not absolute. When protest turns into riot, we have the responsibility to protect the peaceful from the violent, the innocent from the incorrigible. The old Indian guy who runs the souvenir shop is not your enemy, but his hard work was ruined because of mob mentality. And if a cop sees you with a pail full of bricks, it is safe to assume that you aren't building a peace bridge with it. If you resist arrest and wind up with a boo-boo, you deserve it. If you are questioned by Police, blame the hooligans who caused them to be there in the first place. And if you think that Canada is an undemocratic police state I highly suggest walking around Riyadh without a shirt on.

  Freedom of Speech doesn't mean freedom to hate and Freedom of Assembly doesn't give you a license to destroy the place that you should call home.

Photos: Top left : The bank I used when I lived in Toronto (Queen and Logan) ; Centre Right : Protester from about an hour ago ; Centre Left : More "peaceful" guys gearing up for the festivities 2 hours ago ; Burning Police cruiser ;  College Park still boarded up from Saturdays protests ; Another Cop car ablaze ; Excuse me, Ma'am your car is on fire; And bottom : The beat still goes on today.

Rock On!!!

  Rock Band isn't my type of video game franchise, but I do dig music and their Green Day and Beatles versions have some of the best tracks ever put out for faux musicians to waste their days in dad's basement playing along to. Even the add-ons, like AC/DC have been met with success. With money on their minds, Harmonix has decided that the next band to be bestowed with the honour of a track pack will be *drumroll, if you please* ...


  It was thought to be a rumour or codename for some great project by Harmonix, but it is true. According to the official website, tomorrow is the "long-awaited" debut of the Nickleback 6-pack. For $9.99, you too can play the theme song from Monday Night Raw. You and your mates will feel the overwhelming inspiration to do beer cannons like an angry Albertan after rocking out to Never Again's timeless riffs and cry over love with strippers lost to Photograph. You'll be the talk of your trailer park when the magnetic clang of Figured You Out resonates to your fellow hosers like a siren's wail. You will rock, man.

  You kids best get in line because we all know that Harmonix's download site is just going to be slammed with requests for this sure-fire winner.

  I can't wait to see what's in store for Rock Band 3.

  Just so you remember what you are missing out on, I included this gem.

Just For Fun : Truth In Advertising

  Australians are known for being a little oddball and a whole ton of fun, so it comes as no surprise that this beer ad comes from Down Under.  This is kind of crass and a lot of hilarious.
  I can't think of a more appropriate way to advertise beer.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Caught On Tape

    In Jacksonville, Florida a 53-year-old nanny has pleaded not guilty to four counts of child abuse. Jeanine Campbell has stated that while she doesn't remember smacking around an 11 month old baby, the video evidence doesn't lie. The pissed-off "lady" is seen hitting and harassing a baby. She's one serious douchebaguette and she's going to rot in jail for a fair chunk of time, but I'm curious about one thing :

  The parents installed the camera after they suspected the notso nanny was harming their child. The big clue would be the child having an unexplained black eye. I know I'm not speaking for every adult here but wouldn't your initial reaction be to fire the bitch?

  Just a thought.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Video That Killed The Radio Star

  For starlets like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, sex videos have caused them little harm. At the least annoyance and at most a publicity goldmine, the ladies were underdressed and overhyped, but not criminals.

  But in some parts of the world, being a celebrity with a sex tape can get you in serious hot water. Case in point Peterpan lead singer Ariel, who was filmed with his past and present girlfriends on 2 separate tapes doing the deed. You see, Ariel lives in Indonesia and the fact that one of his albums went 21X Platinum can't save him from his country's conservative laws.

 The 28 year old pop star was arrested on Tuesday for producing pornography and has been incarcerated since. Despite the fact that both of his girlfriends are adults, premarital sex is considered taboo and filming it makes you a felon. The state hasn't charged his 2 celebrity girlfriends because they plan to force them to testify against him, although their careers have suffered as a result.

  Luckily Ariel has been treated very nicely by his fellow inmates who see him as not only the biggest rock star that the world's largest Muslim nation has ever produced, but something of a folk hero. And the entire globe has taken notice. With our internet generation people who don't pay attention to Asian rock took serious notice of the sex tape leak, which is likely why Nazril "Ariel" Irham was arrested in the first place. The increasingly conservative nation he hails from saw it as a mockery of their country and its mores. Indonesia is a pretty chill nation compared to many when it comes to sex, but their elected president is terrified that the web-savvy youth are going to corrupt his old-school ideals, so he clamped down on immorality.

  While everyday Indonesians largely see Ariel and his girl Luna Maya as social icons and their video as "kids being kids", an increasingly oppressive political climate seeks to control the behaviours of a nation and its young people. If you think that the idea of a man and his girlfriend being arrested for videotaping their fun is a foreign idea, look again. There is an increasing tide of religious-based politicking in North America that threatens our freedom to live and love as we so desire. Indonesia's anti-porn statute is only 2 years old and the CPC in Canada and the Republican Party in the U.S. want to enact similar legislation. Criminalizing consentual sexual behaviour will not make sex cease to exist, but it will erode freedom.

  If there is a lesson that can come from this it is that no matter how wealthy and famous you are, attacks on personal liberties can affect you. If you enjoy your lifestyle and autonomy you must use your voice at the ballot box. There are millions of Indonesian young people kicking themselves in the ass for not exercising their right to choose their leaders and their accompanying policies. It is your choice and my choice as to who we want to represent us. Vote carefully and as often as you are required.

  If you don't vote, you can't complain when those who do choose a government that doesn't represent you.

  Never be afraid to rock the vote.

Happy Birthday Coneman!

  It's time to give a shout out to one of the coolest guys I know. His name is Tyler and today is his 25th birthday.

  Ty is a Michael Jackson LIFER and for those of you on Pluto, his birthday was decimated last year by the news that one of his icons had passed. For Tyler Conium, Black Or White shaped his exemplary character. No amount of gossip can alter the effect that MJ had on the awesomeness level of this kid. Tyler is a funny guy, an amazing writer, goofy actor and general all-around cool cat. And a man that I'm proud to call my friend.

  So give a little memory to the guy who changed at least one good soul for the better.

  Happy birthday, Ty. Hope this one is a little better. I love you man.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Your Daily Diversion

  This is what happens when a pissed off AT&T customer seeks revenge.

Hahahaaha! AT&T will not be defeated!!

Great New Product

  It's summertime and that means it's swimming time. But what about the dude who is afraid of the dreaded SHRINKAGE? What is a dude to do when his board shorts become so water-logged they fall off his bony ass and is too terrified of the ominous turtlehead to wear Speedos?

For you self-conscious sportsmen there is the Rooster Booster.

  For the low price of $28 plus your self respect, you too can own microshorts that maximize the profile of your precious parts. The anti-smurf swimwear includes a breathable foam pad in an array of sizes from extra-small(no doubt, the least popular) to extra-large. (Guidos rejoice!) While the concept is similar to a padded bra, I can't think of this the same way for a variety of reasons.

  First, the profile- If someone is staring at your crotch enough to tell if your bits have shrunk, he or she is going to notice the fact that you are wearing a codpiece. NO dude's genitals look round- there are several bits downstairs and no guy is symmetrical. Plus, there IS a certain thing that hangs out in front.

  Next, everyone KNOWS dudes shrink and again, if someone is paying enough attention to your turtle, they're going to notice nothing shifting  or bouncing or whatnot. You're wearing a BRA for your balls. And it's going to be as obvious as your terrible underhand serve on the volleyball court.

  Importantly, nobody cares about the size of your balls. That's not the part they are having sex with. A dude can have nuts the size of baseballs and a Vienna sausage. There is also a difference between a shower and a grower. If someone judges you based on how your sack looks after you get out of the frigid waters of the Pacific, that person likely has a brain the size of a walnut.

  Finally, it's SPANDEX, and padded Spandex at that. If you think shrinkage is embarrassing, imagine the ominous subconscious feeling that SOMEONE might know you have a jockular titsling on. The inevitable paranoia would strip any inflated confidence in a flash. It's also tight-fitting, which means it draws attention to your amplified androbits. A pair of soccer shorts or an actual swimshort would be your best bit to avoid unwanted attention. You want that fine young lady to be staring into your baby blues instead of awkwardly trying to not look at your crotch.

  Where there is a product, it fills a demand. Apparently a certain Seinfeld episode made men care a little too much about what their balls look like. Like the overly padded bra of yore, you will be caught with styrofoam in your undies when your pants come off. Women look for confidence and strength. Don't be caught with these or any of the other varieties of "enhancers" near you. There's no bigger turn off than insecurity.

  If you still don't believe me and want to test out a pair of anti-shrinkage shorts, go HERE to score your own.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Quick Thought

  If you are going to get a tattoo on the back of your melon, shave the rest of your dome.

  When it grows back, dude isn't going to look like a Hatebreed fan, but a paranoid conspiracy nut.

  Hope Metalhead doesn't get locked up in jail because any guy with "they come" on the back of his neck is begging for several burly boyfriends.

  Bad ink. Worse placement.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Name That Booze

  Summer has hit and patios, pools, and campgrounds are places we don't walk to, we run to. (or drive our super-speedy Corvette or in my case a moderately-dented pickup truck) But wherever we go, we have fun. And I like to have a few beverages of the sweet variety with or without booze, so I came up with this cooler. It's awesome enough to make your mama fall in the firepit.
  The problem is, the yummy booze concoction doesn't have a name, so I'm asking you folks what this lustful libation should be called. I'll figure out a wicked way to reward the winner.

The Goods

Watermelon, seedless, chilly, large cubes. (peel this, dude) . Reserve the juice from when you chopped it up or squeeze some with a blender, meat mallet, or work boot.



Lemon Juice

Get out a big glass and fill it 1/3 of the way with the cold melon chunks and a few spoons of the juice and a teaspoon of lemon juice.. Add 1 1/2 ounces vodka. Stir. Fill with Fresca. ..Stir again. Let sit for a few minutes..(During this time you might want to hide your car keys) .. Drink..Eat..Repeat.

Terrifying Toy

Ladies and gents , I introduce you to the Eden Tropical G-Spot Vibrator .

Now , I'm not a huge fan of wackysex toy action myself . I prefer the more organic route when it comes to action in the bedroom , bathroom , or kitchen . I'm not a puritan by any stretch , but my lil lady bits just don't groove with the whole 50- horsepower fruit juicer kind of apparatus .

This thing is just fuckin SCARY . There is NO way in HELL you could ply me with ENOUGH narcotics to permit this battery-powered injustice to enter the confines of my undies , let alone my house! I mean , I couldn't even use this on someone else without laughing my face off , and I'm pretty sure that this is NOT the response hungry mamas are looking for .

This thing looks like it is capable of neutralizing an ARMY of Cyborgs!!!

Cue the attack of the killer silicone!

If I wanted something to lauch a life-changing attack on my netherregions I would ply a room full of horny biker dykes with a barrel of Jack Daniels and an ounce of meth and let the games begin!!!

Keep this fuckin thing and it's relations away from me ...

...or I might ....


Bacon-Related Post Of The Week

  I'm still fascinated by an entire culture related to a food I've never consumed. If you've been paying attention over the years I've covered everything from Bacon Lube to Bacon Dental Floss and everything in between. I have many friends and friends of this blog who are serious lifelong devotees to sliced swine and anything related to it.
  And some of these people are fashionable, or gay or fashionable and gay. So with this in mind I bring you this week's hogtacular creation : bacon that comes in rainbow colours.

Yes- red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. Not that I'm looking to be sued, but it is safe to say that the inventor knows all of the colours of the homo hog rainbow. 

  Invented by a graphic designer, this is real, edible coloured bacon that retains its tint even after cooking.  The "inventor" Neil Caldwell has come up with a way to dye bacon and preserve its fatty, smoky goodness with the prettiness. He is keeping a lid on how he has done this, which is a good idea because there is certainly a market for something like this.

  For those who think this is odd there is designer label water, cereal, spices, and beer. So sidle up to the trough whenever Neil Caldwell gets his bacon masterpiece on the market and into your mouth.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Something's Wrong With Someone's Sonar

  In the not-so-long-ago days of Slobodan Milosevic and Apartheid, oppressive regimes had their international sports spotlights dimmed and were generally barred from huge events, but times have changed and for a variety of reasons, I am glad.

  Case in point - the North Korean National Football Team.

  North Korea earned their first entry in the World Cup since 1966 and Kim Jong-Il is one proud guy. Well, he was until today.

  Coach Kim Jong-hun claimed that The Dear Leader could sonically send positive vibes and instructions to he and his charges simply by facing South Africa, and after PRK's brave performance against World number one Brazil, it seemed to work. But something must have been wrong with Dear Leader's instructions or Dead Coach's antennae because they were humiliated by Brazil's linguistic mate in Portugal.

  After the amazing show against Brazil, Kim Jong-Il decided to broadcast the game, allowing his entire country to witness the 7-0 throttling and offering Herr Hairpiece the largest dose of humiliation he has felt in his LIFETIME. Portugal hit Kim where it hurts in front of his own people in a way that international sanctions could not. No amount of propaganda can erase the ineptitude. Dear Leader and his supposed mystical abilities have been shot in the ass by 7 pairs of Adidas. I mean Kim's boys tried their hearts out until the final whistle, but guys dig sports and winner takes all. It is a universal truth and North Koreans finally have reason to truly doubt the megalomaniacal midget.

  Now somebody PLEASE get those Korean kids out of South Africa before Dear Douchebag's henchmen get hold of them.

  They'll blend in nicely in Vancouver and the Caps could use a few good boys. It's the least we can do for the biggest unsung heroes of the World Cup.

Cool Toy

  This is Larry Mcclure and his Cool Toy is his amazing mustache. His Yosemite Stache scored him a trip to Orgeon and a cool grand at the first-ever U.S. National Beard and Mustache Championships. Awesome facial fuzz contests are known the world over and have websites and dedicated fans, but this was the first major event for the hirsute on American soil.The mellow Californian admits that the best part of the event was having his prize handed to him by the lovely Miss Oregon.

  Very few guys can grow a mask-mane, let alone one like this, so  it is a fine thing indeed. Plus, this cat has a DUDE job- he's a welder. How one could work the length of time required to grow such spectacular strands without scorching them off is beyond me and applause-worthy.

  This is one happenin handlebar.

A Party With A Platform - Parts One AND Two

  The Texas Republican Party has released its official platform for 2010 and it is a dandy. As per usual credo, it promotes uninfringed American trade and plans to restrict other nations trading withing U.S. borders. It touts typical fiscal conservatism and seems to be a standard document on the surface. But crawling amongst promoting laws that already exist and things we can all agree on (beating your child to death is a bad thing) are a slew of attacks on the freedoms enjoyed by Texans and Americans as a whole. You can read the entire document here , and I'll break as much of it down for you as my time permits.

  The beginning would be the 10 state principles which affirm Texans as people created in the image of an omnipotent God and the family as a married natural-born man and woman without exceptions. It is the rough outline of their divisive agenda which follows thusly.

Limited Federal Powers – We support state sovereignty reserved under the Tenth Amendment and oppose mandates beyond the scope of federal authority. We support the Tenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. We oppose and refuse any federal mandates which infringe upon the right to self-government and rights of citizens, businesses and public entities of the State of Texas; we also support asking the Governor to direct the Texas Attorney General to pursue all other appropriate legal action that preserves Texas’ sovereignty. We further support abolition of federal agencies involved in activities not originally delegated to the federal government under a strict interpretation of the Constitution.
Texas will not be required to abide by Supreme Court decisions or anything that affects their right to do whatever they want to their populace. This will become more important as you read on.

Preserving National Security – We believe terrorism is the greatest threat to international peace and to our safety. We urge our national leadership to protect our Constitutional rights and swiftly wage successful war on terrorists; to eliminate aid to any nation threatening us or aiding terrorists or hostile nations; to spell out consequences for terrorist activities and to publicly support other nations fighting terrorists; to reasonably use profiling to protect us; to prosecute national security breaches; and to revise laws or executive orders that erode our essential liberties.

Bomb, baby, bomb. You will like how they snuck the profiling clause in especially since this is followed by this contradictory statement.

Patriot Act – We urge review and revision of those portions of the USA Patriot Act, and related executive and military orders and directives that erode constitutional rights and essential liberties of citizens.

and :
Emergency War Powers – We charge the President to cancel the state of national emergency and charge Congress to repeal the War Powers Act and end our declared state of emergency.
I'm confused - do we profile or not? Are we involved in a war or not? It seems by these statements that we should profile but we cannot infringe on constitutional rights and we should beat the crap out of everybody but the President should not be allowed to admit there is a war going on.

Constitutional Convention – We oppose any constitutional convention to rewrite the United States Constitution. We demand the Legislature rescind its 1977 call for such a convention. We call upon other states to rescind their votes for such a convention.

This becomes interesting because in the following paragraphs , there are numerous requests to amend the constitution. Stay tuned. 

Affirmative Action – Inasmuch as the Civil Rights Movement argued against using race as a factor in American life, affirmative action reintroduces race as a powerful force in American life. The Republican Party of Texas believes in equal opportunity for all American citizens without regard to race or gender. To that end, we oppose affirmative action. 
1. We believe it is simply racism disguised as a social value.
2. We believe that policies that lower standards on the basis of race or gender create a disincentive to excellence and thereby encourage mediocrity.
(You know, because women and ethnic minorities are inherently incompetent)
3. We believe that rights belong to people – not groups; therefore, we reject the notion of group-rights and policies that grant preferences based on race or gender. Policies of this type apply a blanket remedy before specific acts of discrimination are proven; thus, such policies compound one injustice with another.
4. Affirmative action falsely casts those who advocate merit as racist.
5. Affirmative action casts doubt on minority achievement making such achievement as seemingly unearned. We believe that true minority advancement will come from a demand for personal responsibility, accountability and competitive excellence.

  This is the typical "reverse racism" argument put forth by scared white guys.  We're not racists and can hire who we want based on merit. The funny part comes up in their proposed education reforms, which remove merit as a requirement. I digress. The only person who doubts a minority's achievements is someone focused on their ethnicity.

Environment, Property Ownership, and Natural Resources – We reaffirm our belief in the constitutional concept of the right to own property without governmental interference. We believe that property ownership is the source of the nation’s wealth; free enterprise forms the foundation of our collective wealth; local stewardship of our natural resources is best; sound science trumps politically correct science; groundwater is a vested ownership right; the state should not abridge or deny our inalienable property and mineral rights; in state control of state resources; in opposing nationalization of lands and watersheds; in opposing conservation easements on our natural resources administered by organizations unaccountable to voters; in opposing vast acquisition of Texas land by government agencies to protect endangered species; in allowing states to consider costs when comparing emission control techniques; in election of the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality chairman; and in eliminating the Endangered Species Act.

Private owners infringe on their neighbours' water quality by dumping toxic effluent and cause erosion and injury with unregulated farming and mineral pursuit, but that is their right to do so. Dump what you want, dig where you want, and if it is cheaper to pollute than not to, go right ahead. And to hell with those darned fragile creatures whose lands we want for our cattle farms. If we want to kill of the last of a species, we should be free to kill em all and let God sort em out dammit.

Free Speech for the Clergy – We urge change of the Internal Revenue Code to allow a religious organization to address issues without fear of losing its tax-exempt status.

If you want to tell your charges it is God's commandment to kill gays, shellfish eaters, or any other form of sinner, go nuts. We will even pay you to do it. 

Restore Constitutional Integrity in the Legislative Process – We call upon the U.S. congress to pass legislation to restore Constitutional integrity in the legislative process demanding Single Issue Legislation that prohibits the current practice of inserting into otherwise unrelated legitimate legislation funding for or federal regulations for special interest issues into virtually every piece of legislation.
Single Issue Legislation is expensive and we will get nothing done. The interesting part of this platform is the inclusion of little unrelated tidbits into practically everything. Read "special interest" as anything not consistent with Republican doctrine. Otherwise, it's kosher.

The Rights of a Sovereign People – The Republican Party of Texas supports the historic concept, established by our nations’ founders, of limited civil government jurisdiction under the natural laws of God, and repudiates the humanistic doctrine that the state is sovereign over the affairs of men, the family and the church
  There should not only be no separation of church and state, but the church shall be held as the utmost authority.(ed: wonder if the GOP knows that many founding fathers were not orthodox in any religion)

Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) – We oppose this act through which the federal government would coerce religious business owners and employees to violate their own beliefs and principles by affirming what they consider to be sinful and sexually immoral behavior.

Business owners should feel free to fire gays, unwed mothers, partners in interracial relationships, those who have had abortions, those who eat pork, those who use birth control, atheists, and anyone else who offends their interpretation of God's will.

Remedies to Activist Judiciary – We call Congress and the President to use their constitutional powers to restrain activist judges. We urge Congress to adopt the Judicial Conduct Act of 2005 and remove judges who abuse their authority. Further, we urge Congress to withhold Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights.

The Supreme Court should have no authority to make laws that apply to the citizens of the nation as a whole unless we agree with them. We're Texans, not Americans. 

State Bar Requirements – Attorneys who obtain their law degree through learning by electronic means or U.S. mail, from an accredited school of law, should be allowed to take the Texas Bar Exam.

You too can get your degree via correspondence while sitting in the pen and be a real deal lawyer. Obviously the person who typed the above grammatical travesty used the same method of education. 

Candidate Eligibility – A candidate running for office should be required to reside within the geographical boundaries of the office sought. A candidate must submit proof of qualifications for the office being sought, including proof of citizenship and in the case of a presidential candidate, an original or certified copy of a birth certificate, bearing names and signatures of parents, attendant(s), as well as date, time and location of birth for the purpose of satisfying the requirement of being a "natural born citizen".

These dudes still don't believe that Obama is an American. 

Contributions to Conservative Candidates – We support the withholding of campaign contributions to organizations or campaigns including the Republican National Committee, the National Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee, the National Republican Congressional Committee and all other organizations or campaigns which would support candidates who do not support the principles of the 2010 Texas State Republican Party Platform.

The Texas Platform is the best of all and moderates or those who disagree with any of these positions should be shunned.

Ten Commandments – We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue or other religious symbols.

By religious symbols, it means Christian ones.

American English – We support adoption of American English as the official language of Texas and of the United States.

Naturally, because that England English is inferior. They use too many "u"s and it confuses us.

Symbols of American Heritage – We call upon governmental entities to protect all symbols of our American heritage from being altered in any way.
Confederate Widows Plaque – We call for restoration of plaques honoring the Confederate Widow’s Pension Fund contribution that were removed from the Texas Supreme Court building.

I'm sure they don't really want to preserve those old "whites only" signs. Or at least I hope. Then again, they are part of American history.

Family and Defense of Marriage – We support the definition of marriage as a God–ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society, and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists. We call on the President and Congress to take immediate action to defend the sanctity of marriage. We are resolute that Congress exercise authority under the United States Constitution, and pass legislation withholding jurisdiction from the Federal Courts in cases involving family law, especially any changes in the definition of marriage. We further call on Congress to pass and the state legislatures to ratify a marriage amendment declaring that marriage in the United States shall consist of and be recognized only as the union of a natural man and a natural woman. Neither the United States nor any state shall recognize or grant to any unmarried person the legal rights or status of a spouse. We oppose the recognition of and granting of benefits to people who represent themselves as domestic partners without being legally married. We advocate the repeal of laws that place an unfair tax burden on families. We call upon Congress to completely remove the marriage penalty in the tax code, whereby a married couple receives a smaller standard deduction than their unmarried counterparts living together. The primary family unit consists of those related by blood, heterosexual marriage, or adoption. The family is responsible for its own welfare, education, moral training, conduct, and property.

No to gay marriage, no to common-law unions, no to government-sanctioned education. And if our kids get out of line, we'll deal with that ourselves. And the "natural" man and woman requirement also adds an element of confusion. Would people who are intersexed or otherwise ambiguous be prohibited from marrying anybody?

Family Values – We affirm that this section is a response to the attacks on traditional family values. These include wellfunded, vigorous political and judicial attempts by powerful organizations and branches of the government to force acceptance, affirmation and normalization of homosexual behavior upon school children, parents, educational institutions, businesses, employees, government bodies and religious institutions and charities. These aggressive, intolerant efforts marginalize as bigots anyone who dissents.

Just in case you missed that, we really hate gay people and consider them a threat to everyone everywhere.

Marriage and Divorce – We believe in the sanctity of marriage and that the integrity of this institution should be protected at all levels of government. We urge the Legislature to rescind no–fault divorce laws. We support Covenant Marriage.

Marriage shall be conducted in a religious manner and you need a damn good reason to get a divorce because people just do these things willy-nilly, don't you know?

Marriage Licenses – We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.

Again, we hate gay people and if you attempt to legitimize them, you are a criminal. 

Homosexuality – We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable “alternative” lifestyle in our public education and policy, nor should “family” be redefined to include homosexual “couples.” We are opposed to any granting of special legal entitlements, refuse to recognize, or grant special privileges including, but not limited to: marriage between persons of the same sex (regardless of state of origin), custody of children by homosexuals, homosexual partner insurance or retirement benefits. We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values.

Again we REALLY hate gay people. They are disease spreading people responsible for all of society's ills. If we refuse to accept that they exist and take their kids away to be given to good, Christian families they will go away. 

Texas Sodomy Statutes – We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.

Not only do we hate gays, but we hate the U.S. government telling us what we can and cannot do to them. U.S. law doesn't apply to us. Now let's lock up all them homos. 

Pornography – We urge our governmental bodies to enforce laws regarding all forms of pornography. We urge more stringent legislation to prohibit all pornography including virtual pornography and operation of sexually–oriented businesses.

No porn of any kind, ever. Also no sex toys or anything that might lead people to think that sex might exist.

Party Candidates and the Platform on Protecting Innocent Human Life – We implore our Party to support, financially or with in-kind contributions, only those candidates who support protecting innocent human life. Further, we strongly encourage the State Republican Executive Committee to hear and recognize the longstanding and overwhelmingly consistent voice of the grass roots and revise its by-laws to make this action binding on our Party.
That whole anti-lobbying thing doesn't apply to abortion.

Right To Life – All innocent human life must be respected and safeguarded from fertilization to natural death; therefore, the unborn child has a fundamental individual right to life which cannot be infringed. We affirm our support for a Human Life Amendment to the Constitution and to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment’s protection applies to unborn children. We support the Life at Conception Act. We oppose the use of public revenues and/or facilities for abortion or abortion–related services. We support the elimination of public funding for organizations that advocate or support abortion. We are resolute regarding the reversal of Roe v. Wade. We affirm our support for the appointment and election of judges at all levels of the judiciary who respect traditional family values and the sanctity of innocent human life. We insist that the U.S.Department of Justice needs to prosecute hospitals or abortion clinics for committing induced labor(live birth) abortion. We are opposed to genocide, euthanasia, and assisted suicide. We oppose legislation allowing the withholding of nutrition and hydration to the terminally ill or handicapped. Until our final goal of total Constitutional rights for the unborn child is achieved, we beseech the Texas
Legislature in consideration of our state’s rights, to enact laws that restrict and regulate abortion including:
1. parental and informed consent;
2. prohibition of abortion for gender selection;
3. prohibition of abortion due to the results of genetic diagnosis
4. licensing, liability, and malpractice insurance for abortionists and abortion facilities;
5. prohibition of financial kickbacks for abortion referrals;
6. prohibition of partial birth and late term abortions; and
7. enactment of any other laws which will advance the right to life for unborn children.

We are opposed to modifying the Constitution unless it suits our goals. We want to ban freedom of choice and demand the Constitution be changed in order to do it.If we make it impossible for women to get abortions, they won't.

Sonograms – We urge the Texas legislature in its next biennial session to enact legislation requiring a sonogram be performed and offered as part of the consent process to each mother seeking an elective abortion.

Until our goals are met we will attempt to guilt any woman out of seeking an abortion. 

Harassing Pregnancy Centers – We urge legislation to protect pregnancy centers from harassing ordinances to require pregnancy centers to post signs in violation of their Constitutional rights. We further oppose any regulation of pregnancy centers in Texas which interfere with their private, charitable business.
Choose Life - We ask the Legislature to provide Texans opportunity to purchase "Choose Life" license plates.
Parental Consent – We call on the Legislature to require parental consent for any form of medical care to minors. We urge electoral defeat of judges who through judicial activism seek to nullify the Parental Consent Law by granting bypasses to minor girls seeking abortions. We support the addition of a legislative requirement for the reporting of judicial bypasses to parental consent on an annual basis to the Department of State Health Services and such reports shall be made available to the public. Further, we encourage the Congress to remove confidentiality mandates for minors from family planning service programs operating under Title X of the Public Health Services Act and Medicaid.
Protection of Women’s Health – Because of the personal and social pain caused by abortions, we call for the protection of both women and their unborn children from pressure for unwanted abortions. We commend the Texas Legislature for the passage of the Woman’s Right to Know Act, a law requiring abortion providers, prior to an abortion, to provide women full knowledge of the physical and psychological risks of abortion, the characteristics of the unborn child, and abortion alternatives. We urge the state government and the Department of State Health Services to ensure that all abortion providers are in compliance with this informed consent law and to ensure that all pregnancy centers and other entities assisting women in crisis pregnancies have equal access to the informational brochures created by the Department of State Health Services.
Alternatives to Abortion – We urge the Department of State Health Services to provide adequate quantities of The Woman’s Right to Know Resource Directory to anyone that works with pregnant women

We will harass you until you stop giving abortions and reserve the right to harass women into submitting to forced delivery.  We also want it on our license plates just so you'll know to never get one of these wicked operations.

RU 486 – We urge the FDA to rescind approval of the physically dangerous RU-486 and oppose limiting the
manufacturers’ and distributors’ liability.
Morning After Pill – We oppose sale and use of the dangerous “Morning After Pill.”

Sorry ladies. If you or raped or that rubber breaks, you're having a baby.  (The writer of this blog has experience with the post-rape batch of pills and trust me, nobody is running out to get them without good reason.)

Unborn Child Pain Protection – We support legislation that requires doctors, at first opportunity, to provide to a woman who is pregnant, information about the nervous system development of her unborn child

It doesn't matter if disseminating this information offends the doctor, it is only the feelings of the doctors who refuse to perform abortions we are concerned about. 

Abortion Requirements for Hospitals – We propose legislation that entitles hospitals to refuse to perform abortions because government has no moral authority to require such an abortion.
Conscience Clause – We believe that doctors, nurses, pharmacists, any employees of hospitals and insurance
companies, health care organizations, medical and scientific research students, and any employee should be protected by Texas law if they conscientiously object to participate in practices that conflict with their moral or religious beliefs, including but not limited to abortion, the prescription for and dispensing of drugs with abortifacient potential, human cloning, embryonic stem cell research, eugenic screenings, euthanasia, assisted suicide, and the withdrawal of nutrition and hydration. We call on the Texas Legislature to pass legislation to strengthen and clarify the current conscience clause in the Occupational Code to include the above-mentioned persons and practices. We further encourage legislation that requires hospitals and clinics to inform all health care personnel of their right to refuse to become involved in abortion or euthanasia, and their protection from prosecution and retaliation under Texas law.

If we can't shame the women, we'll shame the doctors and nurses. 

Stem Cell Research – We oppose any legislation that would allow for the creation and/or killing of human embryos for medical research. We encourage stem cell research using cells from umbilical cords, from adults, and from any other means which does not kill human embryos. We oppose any state funding of research that destroys/kills human embryos. We encourage the adoption of existing embryos. We call for legislation to withhold state and/or federal funding from institutions that engage in scientific research involving the killing of human embryos or human cloning.

Anybody up for adopting a few million little embryos? They're kind of like Sea Monkeys. 

Gene Manufacturing – We support a ban on research that alters human DNA in living human beings at any stage of life, including the altering of artificial, manufactured, and natural genes and chromosomes.

Sorry to those with cancer, Parkinson's disease, cerebral palsy, spinal cord injuries, or genetic disorders. No Gene Therapy for you.

Child Support and Visitation – We support equity between responsible parents in child support, custody, and visitation rights and costs, as well as the strengthening of laws designed to protect children from abuse. No parent/grandparent should be denied court ordered visitation, because of jurisdictional disputes between states. We also believe that no homosexual or any individual convicted of child abuse or molestation should have the right to custody or adoption of a minor child, and that visitation with minor children by such persons should be prohibited but if ordered by the court limited to supervised periods.

All parents should see their kids unless they are gay. Not only can you not adopt, we will take your existing children from you.
Adoption – We support reducing the time, bureaucratic interference and cost of adoption. The law should assure mothers of a choice in selecting a traditional home for their children at the time of terminating their rights for adoption. We oppose mandatory open adoption and adoption by homosexuals.

Get that? Women have a choice of selecting a traditional family or a traditional family. And just in case you didn't hear us, we still hate gays. 

Foster Care – We support eliminating bureaucratic prohibitions on corporal discipline and home schooling in foster homes to help alleviate the shortage of foster parents.

If we let people whack kids around, more of them will want to become foster parents for all the children we take from the Gay. 

Social Security - We support an immediate and orderly transition to a system of private pensions based on the concept of individual retirement accounts, and gradually phasing out the Social Security tax.

Private pensions only, because we all know how well they work. 

ObamaCare – We urge the Congress to defund, repeal, and reject the national healthcare takeover, also known as “ObamaCare” or any similar legislation.

Just in case you missed it, we really don't like that brown dude. 

AIDS / HIV – We recognize that the preventable diseases of AIDS and HIV infection represent a threat to human health. We view with compassion all people infected with HIV. We call for appropriate levels of research to find a cure for the disease and ask that the government give full disclosure of the causes. However, because AIDS represents such a severe threat to both the health and economic well–being of our citizens, we insist that the epidemic be de–politicized and that as a society, we take all appropriate steps to protect our citizens from this epidemic. All people, no matter what disease they may contract, are worthy of deep respect as humans; however, behavior has personal and social consequences. We call upon the United States Public Health Service and all states to declare HIV a “dangerous, yet preventable, infectious, communicable disease.” It should be legally reported in the same manner as any communicable disease. We oppose the needle exchange and bleach kit programs. We urge the return to the requirement of blood testing in order to obtain a marriage license with the previous reporting responsibilities to prevent the spread of dangerous, infectious, and communicable diseases.

We have sympathy for those afflicted by HIV/AIDS, but remember that it's your fault. We know that drug users can contract this, but we oppose needle exchange programs because it's their own damn fault. 

Americans with Disabilities Act – We support amendment of the Americans with Disabilities Act to exclude from its definition those persons with infectious diseases, substance addiction, learning disabilities, behavior disorders, homosexual practices and mental stress, thereby reducing abuse of the Act.

Whether you become disabled from Anthrax or HIV, it doesn't matter. You aren't REALLY disabled. Same thing goes for all you weird schizophrenics. We still don't like gays and had to somehow fit them in again. 

College Textbooks – We support Texas’ colleges and universities use of the same or substitutable textbooks for ten or more years in order to bring costs to students down and maintain some residual value for used books. We oppose restrictions on use of textbooks for multiple years, such as requiring annual access codes.

It doesn't matter if you receive outdated information before we give you a medical degree, it's cheaper this way. 

Controversial Theories – Realizing that conflict and debate is a proven learning tool in classrooms, we support objective teaching and equal treatment of all sides of scientific theories, including evolution, Intelligent Design, global warming, political philosophies, and others. We believe theories of life origins and environmental theories should be taught as challengeable scientific theory subject to change as new data is produced, not scientific law. Teachers and students should be able to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of these theories openly and without fear of retribution or discrimination of any kind.

Evolution is just a theory. Same with that pesky smog cloud above Dallas.

Early Childhood Development – We believe that parents are best suited to train their children in their early development and oppose mandatory pre-school and Kindergarten. We urge Congress to repeal government sponsored programs that deal with early childhood development.

Keep the women home with their kids. The rest is self-explanatory. 

Gambling and Education – We strongly oppose gambling or any other vice that tears at the fabric of society to fund public education.

That 50-50 draw to buy computers is a no-go. 

We oppose automatic admissions rules (such as the top 10%) which are based solely on class ranking. 

Because academic merit shouldn't determine placement.

Multiculturalism – We support teaching the principles articulated by Republican Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., that we be judged not by the color of our skin but by the content of our character and we celebrate positive contributions to our society by members of all cultural groups without emphasizing their differences. We favor strengthening our common American identity and loyalty instead of multiculturalism that emphasizes differences among racial and ethnic groups.

Dr. King must be spinning in his grave right now. 

Parental Rights in Education – Parents have the inherent right to raise and educate their children, even when they are on school property. We urge the Legislature to enact penalties for violation of parental rights.

"Hey Look! Jimmy's drunk dad is going to teach our chemistry class!"

Sex Education – We recognize parental responsibility and authority regarding sex education. We support policies that mandate parental notification and consent before any sex education program is presented to their child. Parents must be given an opportunity to review the material prior to giving their consent. We oppose any sex education other than abstinence until heterosexual marriage.

We recognize parental authority regarding sex education as long as they remember that all sex should occur in a heterosexual marriage. 

Traditional Principles in Education – We support school subjects with emphasis on Judeo-Christian principles (including the Ten Commandments) upon which America was founded and which form the basis of America’s legal, political and economic systems. We support curricula that are heavily weighted on original founding documents, including the Declaration of Independence, the US Constitution, and Founders’ writings.

Actually most of the founding fathers hated Jews, but we kind of stole parts of their religion so they deserve a shout out. 

Teacher Retirement Funds – We urge the Texas legislature to require school districts to treat teacher retirement benefits and Social Security in a uniform fashion, and ensure vested benefits under the Social Security system are not forfeited if a second career as a teacher is undertaken.

We want to get rid of Social Security but we might keep it for teachers. Man, this hyperbole thing is confusing.

U.S. Department of Education – Education falls under the 10th Amendment to our United States Constitution. Given this, the Department of Education (DOE) and No Child Left Behind (NCLB) have no jurisdiction and must be repealed.

Get rid of the Department of Education. Then no pesky blogger will be able to read the words our kids won't be able to write.

Right to Keep and Bear Arms – We urge the Legislature and Congress to repeal all laws that infringe on the right to bear arms, and to reject any monitoring of gun ownership, and all specific taxation or regulation of guns and ammunition. We support a ten-year mandatory minimum sentence, without parole, for felonies committed with firearms. Stiff penalties should be enacted for frivolous lawsuits against legitimate firearm manufacturers. All gun owners are responsible for safely storing and operating firearms. We believe the Legislature should enact legislation preventing employers from prohibiting Concealed Handgun License (CHL) holders from storing their concealed handgun in their vehicle while on a company parking area, and removing civil liability from property owners who do not prevent CHL holders from carrying on their premises. We believe that Federal Firearms License (FFL) holders should be free from harassment, and license revocations and denials against firearm dealers based on violations consisting of largely inconsequential record-keeping errors and encourages the ATF to consider lesser gradation of sanctions for such errors. Firearms and ammunition manufactured and sold in the state of Texas are not covered under the Commerce Clause and therefore are not subject to Federal regulation. We support “open carry” in the State of Texas and we oppose “Gun Free Zones.”
We are against gun permits, but if you have one you should be able to leave your gun in your car in the parking lot at work. We also opposed federal regulation of firearms, but we don't want FFL holders stripped of their licenses under any circumstances. 

Judeo-Christian Nation – As America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles, we affirm the constitutional right of all individuals to worship in the religion of their choice.

As long at it isn't Buddhism, Islam, or any of those non-Judeo-Christian religions.

Safeguarding Our Religious Liberties – We affirm that the public acknowledgement of God is undeniable in our history andis vital to our freedom, prosperity and strength. We pledge our influence toward a return to the original intent of the First Amendment and toward dispelling the myth of separation of church and state.

Freedom is only under the authority of God. Yes I know, it really doesn't make sense. ( I left in the GOP misspelling of acknowledgment)

Equality of All Citizens – We deplore all discrimination. We also deplore forced sensitivity training and urge repeal of any mandate requiring it. We urge immediate repeal of the Hate Crimes Law. Until the Hate Crimes Law is totally repealed, we urge the Legislature to immediately remove the education curriculum mandate and the sexual orientation category in said Law.

We'll tell you who you're allowed to hate, not the Feds. And yes, it's still gays.

Boy Scouts of America – We support the Boy Scouts of America and reject any attempt to undermine or fundamentally change the ideals of the organization.

Just in case anyone gets that idea to let the gay in. 

Addictive Behaviors – We encourage state and federal governments to severely prosecute illegal dealers and manufacturers of addictive substances and pornography. We urge Congress to discourage export of such substances into our country. Faith based rehabilitation programs should be emphasized. We oppose legalization of illegal drugs. We support an effective abstinence-based educational program for children.

Just say no, and if that doesn't work, God will fix you.  Congress has no control over what other nations export, however I'm sure all do discourage import into the U.S.

Waste and Fraud in Government Contracts – All government contracts should be awarded by competitive bids. We call upon all levels of government to allow the awarding of contracts, requiring performance and payment bonds, be awarded to the lowest bidder.

No safety records needed, just give us a bargain. 

We oppose any restrictions by any government agency on taxpayer contributions to churches and
faith-based charities.

Taxpayers have always been able to waste their discretionary income on whatever they want. 

Funding Special Interest Organizations – We oppose any government support of special interest organizations, such as ACORN and the ACLU.

Yes, the government really didn't give ACORN much funding, but it's a really catchy acronym. 

Federal Tax Reform – We recommend a national sales tax (which does not include a Value Added Tax) to replace all other Federal taxes once the I.R.S. is abolished and the Sixteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is repealed. However, until such time that the income tax is abolished, we support deductions for private and home schooling, home mortgages, and sales taxes.

Get rid of the I.R.S. and modify the Constitution to suit.

Internet Taxation – We oppose any taxation on use of the Internet.

Gotta appeal to the geeks. Unless they like porn, then they're criminals.

Energy Strategy – We encourage a comprehensive energy policy that allows more development of domestic energy sources and reduces our need for foreign energy. Energy policy should be cooperative, economically viable, and environmentally safe, but not restricted by overzealous environmental activism. We encourage use of wind, coal-fired plants, solar, and nuclear power. We oppose government restrictions such as windfall profits and severance taxes, and regulations that restrict construction of refineries, power grids and location of gas and oil drilling, or mandating alternative fuel use for vehicles. We oppose any legislation that supports any type of “Cap and Trade” policy, or ceding any energy policy authority to any world agreement. We support the abolition of the Department of Energy. We support an immediate end to the deep water drilling moratorium in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico.

Drill baby, drill. 

Workers’ Compensation – We urge the Legislature to resist making Workers’ Compensation mandatory for all Texas employers.

Minimum Wage – We believe the Minimum Wage Law should be repealed.
No big deal if some 17 year old kid making $3 an hour falls off a roof. We'll find more.

Monday, June 21, 2010

A Party With A Platform - Part Deux

Again, for those who aren't planning on reading the first chapter first, all bold text is taken verbatim from THIS DOCUMENT 

Enjoy and good luck.

Incentives for Retention of Domestic Operations – We support a favorable business climate of low taxes and deregulation to encourage capital investment to ensure retention and creation of jobs in America.

Corporate America already enjoys really low taxes, but the platform will convince you everyday folks that you're going to benefit. Suckers.

Free Market for Utilities and Insurance – We encourage free market solutions for providing utilities whenever possible. We support that all property insurance rates should be set through free-market forces alone. We support efforts to shrink the Texas Insurance Association to reduce the liabilities it imposes on state taxpayers.

Just try and find that insurance company when the next hurricane or tar storm hits. 

Federal Reserve System – As long as it exists, We, The Republican Party, call upon the United States Congress to act immediately to pass a bill to require a full and complete audit of the Federal Reserve System and, that upon completion of the audit, the results be immediately provided to the United States Congress and to the People of the United States. We believe Congress should repeal the Federal Reserve Act of 1913.

Nothing like giving jobs to pencil-pushers to distract from that pesky oil spill. See, we're not opposed to government spending as long as it suits our interests.

Texas Sovereignty – Our individual freedom and the independent sovereign authority of our State government have been obliterated by Federal statutes enacted by Congress and enforced by the Chief Executive and the Courts. What Congress has destroyed by statute can be restored by statute. Now is the ideal moment to push for new federal laws designed to restore freedom and State sovereignty. We strongly resolve that the Texas Legislature honor Texas’ State Sovereignty, as reserved under the 10th Amendment, with the understanding that Texas will retain its sovereignty, freedom and independence and every power, jurisdiction and right which is not expressly delegated to the federal government by the U. S. Constitution, and oppose mandates beyond the scope of the Federal authority.

New Federal laws will restore state sovereignty.

National Sovereignty – We strongly believe that the United States of America must protect and defend its national sovereignty as given in the Constitution to the people and remain free of external control or influence and be governed independently of any foreign power, especially with regard to the formation of the North American Union/Community as proposed by the Council of Foreign Relations (CFR). We call upon the President, Senators and Representatives to defend our national sovereignty in accordance with their oaths of office.

The Canadians are taking control of our government.

Federalization or Militarization of Police – We support having only local control over our police forces. We oppose the federalization or militarization of local police forces.

The Feds are trying to take the Sherrif's job!!! (This is a classic scare tactic. Nobody is trying to take your dad's job.)

Foreign Military Bases on American Soil – We oppose relinquishing United States supremacy to any foreign powers on our soil. We support prohibition of all foreign or international military bases within the United States.

We can have our bases all over Canada, Europe, and the Middle East but we must be wary of the nonexistent foreign bases on our soil. 

Foreign Control of US Interests – We oppose sale, transfer, management or ownership of U.S. interests by foreign or international interests. Foreign owned properties and income shall be subject to all U.S. laws.

So tell Molson's that we want all of Coors back dammit. 

America is a country of immigrants, we should insist that any immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself/herself to the United States. He/she shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else. This is predicated upon the fact that the person is in every facet an American, and nothing but an American. There can be no divided allegiance. Anyone who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t American at all. We have room but for one flag, the American Flag. We have room for but one language here and that is the English language. We have room for but one sole loyalty and that is loyalty to the American people. (Teddy Roosevelt, 1907)

No dual citizenship and no teaching your kids a second language. After all, Teddy said it best. 

We oppose illegal immigration, amnesty in any form leading to citizenship, or legal status for illegal immigrants. We support an end to the “catch and release” policy; criminal penalties and aggressive enforcement for those who knowingly employ illegal workers; expeditious hearings on deporting non-violent illegal immigrants; amending the U.S. constitution to suspend automatic U.S. citizenship to children born to illegal immigrants; elimination of federal and state funding to cities with “sanctuary” laws; empowering state and local law enforcement agencies with authority and resources to detain illegal immigrants; rejection of non-verifiable foreign-issued cards as valid identification; strict prosecution of any entity involved in phony identification documents; elimination of day labor work centers; elimination of laws requiring hospitals to give non-emergency care to illegal’s; elimination of social security benefits or federal and state funding to illegal’s for education, housing or business loans; preventing any foreign entity from using our judicial system to enter the United States; document verification prior to issuance of a Texas drivers license; withholding federal highway funds from any state issuing drivers licenses to illegal aliens; and aggressive prosecution of persons smuggling humans across our borders. We support requiring all employers to utilize E-verify system to confirm the legal status of all new hires.

We oppose federal identification programs except in instances of employment. We also must remove the citizenship of those born to illegals. The identification of the writer of this blog is not legal, in fact she isn't a person. (I left in the horrendous slew of grammatical errors because it made me giggle. The GOP has an amazing command on that English language)

Birthright Citizenship – We call on the Legislative, Executive and Judicial branches of these United States to clarify Section 1 of the 14th amendment to limit citizenship by birth to those born to a citizen of the United States: with no exceptions.

Again, amend the Constitution when we tell you it's okay.

This opens a huge can of worms. My cousins were born in the U.S. prior to my aunt becoming a citizen, so they would be people in their fourties without a nationality. My nephews were also born prior to my sister becoming a citizen. Since there are NO exceptions, millions of law-abiding people born to migrants both legal and not would be left without a national identity. The GOP would shit bricks if massive amounts of doctors, lawyers, and military personnel born prior to their parents becoming citizens were suddenly "returned" to Canada and Europe under the "no exceptions" rule.

Support of Our Armed Forces – We encourage all Americans to support the brave and patriotic men and women of our armed forces.
They should be paid a wage sufficient to prevent them from ever needing food stamps and that encourages retention. We strongly recommend that all our armed forces remain commanded only by the Commander-in-Chief and his subordinate commanders;upgrading, modernizing and maintaining the equipment, weapons, and vehicles for the safety, efficiency and effectiveness of our armed forces; the continuation of an all volunteer armed forces, the recruitment and advancement of military personnel based on the needs of the military and the qualifications of the person; disqualification of homosexuals from military service; immediate discharge of HIV positive individuals; separation of men and women in basic training; exclusion of women from ground and submarine combat roles; provision of full military honors for burial of veterans; restoration of all veteran benefits without an offset for disability pay; health and disability benefits equal to active military for national guard and reserves; passage of a “new” G.I Bill that fully funds expanded educational scholarship opportunities for honorably separated Veterans; restoration of full lifetime health benefits to retired military and their families; and assurance that military and civilian voters displaced by their service be afforded full opportunity for their votes to be counted; and the expeditious construction of a Veterans Museum in Texas. We oppose the repeal of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

We must appeal to your sense of national pride while we sneak in demotions of women and expulsions of homosexuals. Oh, and HIV only happens to the gay ones, don't you know? And remember that women are separate and will never be equal.

Foreign Policy – We support the spread of a representative form of government and free market enterprise. We also support and encourage private humanitarian aid to developing countries. We support continued favorable treatment of proven allies, and censure of adversarial entities that seek destruction of other countries or harbor terrorists. We oppose any treaty which shall permit a foreign entity to control our citizenry. We oppose U.S. aid to any foreign entity that consistently votes against our interests or is openly hostile to our nation.

Remember that Saudi Arabia is a proven ally.They are never hostile to our nationals nor fund terrorism.

China – We support the removal of Permanent Normal Trade Relations status for Communist China until it ceases its support of Communist North Korea; significantly improves its policies on human rights (including abolition of their forced “one child” policy); ceases persecution of Christians; ceases aggressive behavior toward all neighbors; ceases transferring nuclear, biological, and chemical technology to Iran, Pakistan and North Korea and restores Tibetan sovereignty.

Wal-Mart's vast imports will henceforth be referred to as "Abnormal relations". 

Cuba – We support the continuation of the embargo against Cuba until democracy is restored. We call for the release of all political prisoners currently being held by the Castro regime. We support political asylum for all refugees fleeing political oppression in Cuba.

The embargo does not include our military base prison located in Cuba. 

War on Terror – We support a strong policy on confronting radical Islamist terrorists in Iraq, Afghanistan and other countries around the world. We believe our military forces deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan, in particular, should not be prematurely withdrawn from the conflicts until victory has been secured and both countries are able to sustain peace with limited assistance from the United States. There should be no “time-table” applied to the withdrawal of our forces. We also support keeping Guantanamo Detention Center for terrorist detainees. We oppose any plan to close Guantanamo and to bring detainees into the U.S. for Court trials. We urge our elected officials in the Congress of the United States to vigorously pursue any and all actions necessary to halt and deny the bestowal of Constitutional Rights to any enemy combatants.

We still think we are going to make these Muslim bastards submit to our authority. We reserve the right to hold brown dudes in a camp in Cuba until we get tired of them. We are the United States and the Geneva Conventions do not apply to us or our captives.

Israel – We believe that the United States and Israel share a special long-standing relationship based on shared values, a mutual commitment to a republican form of government, and a strategic alliance that benefits both nations. Our foreign policy with Israel should reflect the special nature of this relationship through continued military and economic assistance and recognition that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel and should remain an undivided city accessible to people of all faiths. We believe that the US Embassy should be located in Jerusalem. In our diplomatic dealings with Israel, we encourage the continuation of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians, but oppose pressuring Israel to make concessions it believes would jeopardize its security, including the trading of land for the recognition of its right to exist. We call on the U.S. to cease strong arming Israel through prior agreements with the understanding of delivering equipment to them to defend themselves in exchange for future diplomatic concessions, such as giving up land to the Palestinians on the West Bank. We support the continuation of non-recognition of terrorist nations and organizations. Our policy is based on God’s biblical promise to bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel and we further invite other nations and organizations to enjoy the benefits of that promise.

We reserve the right to tell Israel what to do with her nation until such time comes as Jesus returns and we take it over. 

Hamas – We should not reward terrorism by allowing a Palestinian state carved out of historical Israel. Palestinians shall not receive American aid as long as Hamas is their elected government. We should withdraw all financial support to Hamas and other elected terrorists.

We, the GOP are stupid when it comes to foreign policy. We do not realize that Fatah is the elected government of Palestine and Hamas is a terrorist organization occupying it.In our ignorance we shall deny humanitarian aid to those occupied by the terrorist regime because it doesn't suit our interests.

Pakistan – We support the stabilization of the Pakistani government as a strategic ally in the war on terror.

Because there are no terrorists running the Pakistani government.

Mexico – We support policies, which strengthen Mexican democratic institutions, including continued legal reform to address the issue of corruption. We support an aggressive U.S.-Mexican military and law enforcement cooperation to address the war against the drug cartels, as was successful in Colombia.

You can't tell us how to run our country, but we can tell you how to run yours. And man, Columbia was successful in producing what I'm insufflating getting rid of those evil drug cartels.

South America – We support the adoption of the Colombian Free Trade Agreement and closer political relations with Colombia who has emerged from decades of war with the drug cartels and FARC with an open democratic government and free market economy. We support efforts to strengthen democratic institutions in the region and resist the authoritarian socialist regimes of Venezuela and Bolivia.

Let's see what else you'll believe. 

One World Government Organizations – We oppose a one-world government in direct opposition to our basic principles and eroding our sovereignty. We oppose the implementation of one world currency.

The Democrats are with us on this one, but it's so much more forceful when we say it. 

International Trade – We favor fair international trade. We oppose taxation and regulation of American industry that makes American products uncompetitive. We oppose free trade expansion at the expense of national security and sovereignty. We call for withdrawal from agreements that compromise our sovereignty and security. We urge sanctions against nations that disrupt free trade, bar or excessively tax American products, violate human rights, or engage in technological espionage. We urge repeal of international trade agreements that do not promote free trade, withdrawal from the World Trade Organization, and cessation of negotiations of the Free Trade Area of the Americas.

We control the trade of other countries but we reserve the right to get rid of agreements that do not benefit us solely at the expense of the nations whose finances we wish to occupy. We wish to exit the WTO because they might tell us to stop polluting the hell out of Canada and keep us from firing injured Mexican auto workers.

United Nations – We believe it is in the best interest of the citizens of the United States that we immediately rescind our membership in, as well as all financial and military contributions to, the United Nations.

We will:
1. support legislation similar to “The American Sovereignty Preservation Act”, which would remove the United States entirely from the control of the UN;
2. demand that Congress ratify no more, and rescind any existing treaties that compromise the United States Constitution;
3. support immediate recall of our military forces from UN initiated engagements, and restore them to their traditional mission of defending the liberty and freedom of the people of the United States of America;
4. support an amendment to the United States Constitution stating, “a treaty that conflicts with any provisions of the Constitution shall not be of any force or effect”;
5. urge our Texas Senators to unalterably oppose any agreement or treaty that seeks to establish an International Criminal Court (ICC), make the United States a participatory party to such a court; recognize the jurisdiction of such a court within the United States or upon any native-born or naturalized citizen of the United States; and

We oppose:
1. UN control of any United States land or natural resources;
2. the use of Presidential Executive Orders to implement UN treaties, thereby circumventing our elected Congress;
3. any attempt by the federal government, or the UN, to directly or indirectly tax United States citizens for UN support;

4. a UN resolution that would force the United States to adopt gun control measures by treaty;
5. the placement of the UN flag and emblem on public property or in government facilities;
6. payment of any debt allegedly owed to the UN;
7. Any attempt to grant veto power over the sovereignty of the United States to set national defense priorities, wage effective war, and negotiate peace in terms favorable to our vital interests; and
8. Ratification of the Law of the Sea Treaty (LOST).

We urge Congress to evict the United Nations from the United States and eliminate any further participation.

We reserve the right to start wars with whomever we wish, get the hell out of Iraq (oops did we say we wanted to stay there) , cut off all ties to the outside world, ignore international law and generally do as we wish. We are America after all, not Russia. But if they choose to invade us, we might ask for you to tell them to stop. Pretty please.

  Gentle readers, this is not a joke. While many of these may seem ripped from my "Let's Make America a Christian Nation" satirical post, the previous boldface type is verbatim.Your true freedoms and those of your neighbours are being attacked by a party that has been hijacked by extremists. These people have an illusion of an America where few people truly fit in. There is no room for individuality nor freedom of independent thought, only homogenized hatred. The divisive and horrifying axis that has overtaken parts of America threatens to swallow her up because there is no REAL third option. There is no room for a progressive conservative in the American Republican party. 

  Honest Abe must be projectile vomiting in his grave.