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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Olympic Insanity FAIL

Why does this dude (OK , it's Tyler Conium of the RepoMen) look so astonished?

Because an ubertalent was left off of the Olympic Team . The dude's name is Mike Green and he's awesome .
 A PROVEN quality guy . Not the most famous name , not the big "brand" guy , just a talent who can match up with the greatest and can score from the blueline , an added chunk of diversity . The best man for the job of winning the medal , not a dude who's famous for being famous . And he's out.

Team Canada , you have made one serious mistake . This is a guy who plays with the best that Russia and Sweden have to offer on a daily basis - he knows every trick , every deficiency.

and Mike Green is left off the roster.

Olympic Fail

Roofer's Coffee : Wednesday The Random Edition

   On my previous sites I used to have this random column that some of you will remember but most of you will not . I used to blog about my life more often than the sights and sounds of the greater outside world . When I moved to this blog I kind of shyed away from such things , often removing posts that delved too much into my inner mental workings . I don't think it was a fear thing , save for maybe feeling that most of you would find it too boring . I mean , what excitement can come from the life of a construction worker and fledgling comic situated in the Pacific Northwest? But , I suppose the point is that I do have a very full life , wonderful friends , awesome readers , and the 30 or 40 brave yo-yos who show up for my few gigs are entertained and all of this makes me feel quite blessed .
  The world is a scary place , full of insecure people doing inhumane things to each other and I suppose that it is nice to take a break from all of the negativity that I was sinking into and becoming overwhelmed by .  Inside every suicide bomber is a scared kid who just wants to do right and doesn't know how ; inside every fame-whore is someone who just wasn' t loved enough by those who should matter ; inside every hero is someone who is afraid but somehow finds the strength to overcome their doubts . There is the potential to do incredible good and horrifying acts of evil in each and every one of us , and I sincerely hope that all of you will do one or two things today to enrich the life of yourself or someone else.
  There is a difference between breathing and truly living , and sometimes we have to take a step back , take a moment to breathe ,  in order to advance and win this game called life .

  G-d bless all of you .


More Shitty Americana

The "church" that produces this and other filth still has some church/non-profit taxation status , and while they might be an extreme example , this is exactly why we must remove tax exemptions for religious organizations. If you go into most religious services , you will hear hatred toward other human beings . You and I are entitled to believe as we wish but there is no way in any western society that taxpayers should be footing any portion of the bill that promotes hatred against themselves. It's undemocratic . If you wish to support your local congregation , you should be doing it in good faith as opposed to trying to get financial reward in the form of a tax deduction out of it . Modern churches are run like businesses and for profit and as such should be subject to taxation and multimillionaire preacher men should not be able to launder money back and forth. The ridiculous and criminal taxation status enables these groups to lobby Congress for increasingly repressive judicial reforms that will eventually turn America into a theocracy.

Man , this pisses me off .

Celluloid Paranoia For The Masses

  There are a shitload of fake 50's and 60's "cautionary tale" videos on YouTube , but this warning about dangerous "homosexuals" is real . It was put out in 1961 by a man named Sid Davis , who in addition to being a bit part actor and known mountaineer , made his living selling paranoia-inducing videos to schools and police departments . He was the grandfather of the "stranger danger" and "marijuana gateway" school propaganda films that even I remember and I was born in the mid-70's . It is possible that his films had a reverse effect and may have given people sick ideas and inspired crime as opposed to actually protecting children . His films were initially inspired by only ONE crime , yet he preached that danger and death were out there , an omnipresent doom. In any event , Davis put out nearly 200 films and became an incredibly wealthy man exploiting and exaggerrating our darkest fears .

  Here's the 1961 film Boys Beware .

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Proofreading Isn't For Everyone : The New Product Edition

Look at this commercial for the "Shake Weight" . It is not a parody but a real ad for a real product that apparently does do what the ad says , but seriously - did Monica Lewinsky design this? I mean the entire product is one giant plastic-coated double entendre . 

"But your husband will be happier than ever! "

This ad is so hilarious that I fell off of my sofa when I first viewed it . Enjoy!

Sunday, December 27, 2009


.....we often talk about it , about human beings being able to forgo their shitty inhumane activities and forge a new , wonderful yet bumpy path . We celebrate it - we built plaques for it , give thanks , and award the Masterton . But what about the non-human victims of our stupidity? Should they be awarded such a chance , to prove themselves as valid members? 

From what I have seen , I have been given a confirmation of what I have previously thought . The answer is a resounding YES.

This beat-down , yard-ravaged shard of a man was given a chance - his name is Hector . He is one of Mike Vick's Pit Bulls .

Now I KNOW what you cats might be thinking - a trained fighter , a bully breed , an inbred , a lost cause . But he is all of those things and so much more . He is more of a forgiving man than most humans - he is a living , breathing testament to what anyone can truly overcome .

Meet Hector , therapy COMPANION for hyperactive children. They can cajole him , wrestle with him , and even hug and love him . He not only teaches people about the wonderful nature of dogs , but is helpful in teaching autistic kids how to handle other beings . You can play with him , yet he won't bite . He is a very greatful man that fills his life with the carefree spirit and love of any other dog despite his scar-riddled face .

HE is a changed man and people want to kill him and others of his kind and that is a crying shame . Pit Bulls used to be the family companion of choice and now animal "protection" agencies euthanize over 60% of guys like him on SIGHT - as well as Rottweilers , Doberman Pinschers , Bulldogs , Danes , and so many other loving beings deserving of a second chance at a REAL life . A life without a pit or kennel or enclosure , a life with a family that they can truly call their own and safe place that they can do what dogs do in . If it is the season for giving , give your heart and home to a "Bully" - he or she will reward you in more ways than you can imagine . If you feel helpless , remember that there is a life you can save that will save your life .

Don't buy from a breeder - hug a bull . PETA says they cannot be saved , but look at him and look at my buddy Domino . Domino is a Bull-Greyhound 100 pound man who now has a family of 4 to serve and protect . I know this because I fostered him . He was lined for "euthanasia" " at 8 months for the "crime" of being a too-tall puppy . He now runs along bikes and pulls wagons .

Ban the deed and not the breed , ban breed ban legislation , and bring home the best kind of companion you can have - a loving , disease free , grateful being that will love you until his or her days are done . My pal Amarjit opts for elderly dogs , my mum loves large and active types , my friend's granny loves smaller dogs . But the point is that there is a buddy for you. If you don't dig dogs , well there are cats , ferrets , rabbits , birds - even reptiles in need of a loving and proper abode . Cool tidbit : cross-bred cats and dogs have cheaper health insurance and live longer lives . WIN all around .

There Is No Question

...that can be answered without inclusion of song .

When I am asked my favourite sing , I compile lists that sometimes number in the thousands. Every sing can fit a mood , a joy , a sadness , a birth , or a death . This song always rises to the top . It is easily the most romantic song ever . 

Take a moment to dance with your favourite someone to this , the most wonderful of tomes in sound .


Thursday, December 24, 2009

One More Day...

...until this year's incarnation of this irritation leaves the airwaves. Telus brought this out in 2005 and updates it annually . It drives me insane . Fun fact : The kid who sings this song is now 66 years old . 


Rewind : The Best Brisket Known To Man

Now many of you kids are aware of the fact that I am a vegetarian , but there are few foods as evocative of wonderful childhood memories quite like the perfection that is the KING of carnivore cuisine for the masses - the corned brisket , and I'm making one in honour of my dear friend Gordon Schellenberg's 36th birthday that is sure to delight Gordo and his legion of Bocce buffs . Try this out , it is GUARANTEED to make an impression .. and here's how :

Firstly , dice up Walla Walla onion , a stalk of celery , a carrot , and half a head of garlic and fry in a wee bit of olive oil in a large pot until they happlily glisten in the light like an old grandmother's smile .
Pour a couple of litres of water (or half a gallon , for you lazy Amerks ) into the pot - stand back - it might bite you with the oil-vs-water action , and patiently wait for 5 minutes while this goes happy at high heat .
Then we have Mr. Brisket . O.K. , kids , many many recipes state to remove this handsome fruit of the Gods from the bag . DO NOT DO THIS!!! Instead , perforate the bag roughly a million times on the top side with a fork . Gently place Briskie into the pot of boiling mirepoix and boil it for a good 20 minutes or so . Don't freak out if you go outside for a smoke and forget about it for a while , just reduce your overall cooking time . Then reduce the heat and simmer for approximately 2 1/2 to 3 hours based on a 900 gram (2 pound ) roast .

Be patient - go grocery shopping , play with your dog , choke your chicken , but LEAVE IT ALONE!! You could even write a blog detailing your experiences with the glorious beef while reminiscing about your grandmother and feeling blessed to be able to use her knowledge to bring Brisket Extraordinaire to the masses .

My mum's mum was a passionate and able lady who wasted little that she had and had a beautiful bright mind until the last moment I saw her alive . She had a difficult but gratifying life and could fix almost anything and cook - oh , she was without equal . Possibly the most supreme compliment I have ever received is when she proclaimed me to be her equal and possibly superior in the kitchen , but the truth is , if not for her , I would have NEVER mastered bagels , chili sauce , roast turkey , or the million uses for chick peas . She was truly one of a kind , not just in my eyes , but in the minds of everyone she met . One could be a homeless alcoholic and she would invite you in for a hot meal - everyone was treated as a guest of the highest regard in my grandmother's home . Hundreds if not thousands of down-on-their luck folks found hope and understanding via a few hours in Granny Annie's kitchen . If I become a fraction as remarkable as this phenomenal being i will be a success. ....but back to the brisket...

After patiently awaiting the sumptuous beast , carefully open the bag and deposit any stray pieces , liquid , and fat back into the stock pot and bring it to a ferocious boil . Take the brisket and lovingly douse it with pepper and a bit of soy and brown sugar as well as paprika and place it in the oven for about 15 minutes until it becomes a glorious brown . Thickly slice said beast and serve with some fragrant rice , nugget potatoes and any other sides you can come up with . SUCCESS! You have mastered the greatest crowd pleaser known to man!
But we don't waste a thing around here , so turn your attention to the stock pot .
After you have reduced the quantity to half , reserve the stock for later and add any remains of the brisket and some spuds or barley and corn and you will have the most delicious bowl of warmth possible - so fantastic , in fact , that you can enjoy it on even the hottest of days and you will be the hero of your family for the current generation .

We can all honour our past by remembering those who have shaped our lives and it is imperative to do so . We need to instill our culinary traditions into this fast-food society lest an imporatant part of history be lost forever.

Have a great day!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends ...

.... do this to their dogs .

It's bad enough that your kids have to suffer the embarassment of the backwards bathrobe tripping hazard , now you can humiliate your Rottweiler! With the velcro you KNOW that the dog is going to wait for you to run to the can and then chew it to smithereens . The included talking dog tag is just there to implicate the guilty .  Dogs were born with one of these - it's called FUR . If you stopped shaving your dogs they would not need to wear a dress! The dogs in this video are panting because they are HOT. If you have a Bulldog or Pug , one of these can make your best friend dangerouand sly overheat .
Oh , and another thing - why does that lady have a dog in her purse? Is she trying to shoplift it?

Just give me the 23 dollars so I can buy a Ball Pein hammer and put YOU out of your misery and rescue your dog from a lifetime of annoyance and your credit card from abuse .


Tis The Season For A Repost

Now everyone knows who this irritation is - it's ShamWow Vince !! Open the video and wait for the 5000 double-entendres here . He was recently arrested while wearing some sort of ladies nightshirt / faux fur coat combination . Very classy . He was apparently arrested for trying to "slap his troubles away"

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Yumminess Dot Com

Play With Your Dessert

There are a TON of festive sweet recipes , mostly cookies and pies , so this is a little off the beaten path . My sister used to love to steal the neighbours' grounder apples for crisp and here's my offshoot for your perusal . It's awesome a la mode for dessert , but also works as breakfast when mixed and served hot with or without a bit of cream . Either way , it's delish and a good way to clean fruit from the bowl since it works so well with a wide variety of larger fruits as well as berries .

Today's Yummy Fruit Crisp

Fruit Blend

6 cups assorted sliced fruit - today it is Gala Apples and Ripe Anjou and Ya Pears
1/4 cup Vanilla or Plain Sugar
1/4 cup flour
1/2 tsp nutmeg
mix in a bowl and spead out into a casserole dish while you preheat the oven to 400F/200C

The Crunchy Stuff

1 cup Flour
1/2 cup Oats
1 Cup Brown (I'm using Demerrara) Sugar
1/2 cup Margarine

Mix all of the dry ingredients with your paws . Cut in margarine with a pastry blender or a couple of forks until it resembles gravel . You are not trying to make pastry , so perfection is not an issue . Spead over the fruit and bake for 35-50 minutes until bubbly and yummy looking . Do not even look at the oven for at least 25 minutes . I went for a shower since I have a tendency to babysit my food.
Let sit for a few and enjoy!

Find the rest of the foodgastic recipes at

Holiday Fun

These guys are @DRockFilms and Tyler Conium aka , The Repomen and they are bringing the holiday fun . The songs are hilarious! This is the latest installment in a series of fun shorts about frienemy repo dudes . It's also fun watching the evolution of a couple of nice guys in their film making endeavors. 

Enjoy and be sure to catch them on Twitter and Youtube ! And Tyler's site is in the sidebar so show him some love!

Happy Hoho!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Another Point Worth Taking Home For The Holidays

If there is a Santa Claus , it's in the doctors here. 

Just watch , I don't want to ruin the surprise. 

Happy Hoho kids

Friday, December 18, 2009

DIY : Snuggie

   I forewarn you - I have insomnia . However , that lack of sleep has not robbed me of my common sense. 

In the middle of the day , night , and especially the full moon , commercials for this thing come on the tube and they are as annoying as the product. 

  The Snuggie . 

O.K. , I am convinced that the Snuggie was invented by a woman who came home to find find her old man passed out drunk on the bathroom floor with his robe on wrong . I mean , the ads don't show some bareassed dude hugging the porcelain God , but think about it . 

  Actually , try it . Take a bathrobe , lay it open side facing you , put your arms through it , and look in a mirror . Tada! You have a Snuggie or Slanket or whatnot . 

   The picture above you is not a REAL Snuggie . It's a fuzzy bathrobe . 

I just saved you $19.95 plus $14.95 shipping and handling . 

Slank me later. 

Olympic Stupidity

  Police hold back protesters who spilled onto Yonge Street on Thursday, delaying the Olympic torch relay for about an hour.

 For those of you who have been living on MARS , Vancouver is hosting the Olympics in a short period of time  . Naturally , as with all things that could potentially eliminate the recession , there are protests . Some of the protesters are Aboriginal groups , which seem respectful , but there are migrant rights groups , anti-Israelis , welfare activists , and every other brand of yo-yo one can imagine . And they all have the right to peaceful protest in this land of ours . But today got out of fucking hand . The protesters were absolutely WRONG today .  In an overzealous attempt to block the Torch Relay , the rights of people were infringed upon . 

  If memory serves me correctly , one of the people they tried to block is a Holocaust survivor . And that is absolutely a bad thing when you are a group claiming to stand for human rights . But that is not all . These people also tried to block the torch from reaching The Hospital For Sick Children on Gerrard Street . People risked their safety to get the torch there so some dying children could get the chance to carry the torch , to live something in their dreams . As amazing as this hospital is , it is safe to say that this will be the last chance for some of these innocent beings to do something truly awesome . It might even be an inspiration for a kid to keep on scrapping for his or her life . Children are simple and humble and the little things really DO matter . 

  When your protest infringes on the joy of children , it ceases to become peaceful . It was a planned event and ALL of you knew that children could be affected and for that , you are assholes. These babies did nothing to you , but you still saw it fit to try to interfere with something that could be their dying wishes . 

  Go cash your welfare checks , get drunk , and take a collective nap on a CN Rail track . 


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends...

...wear Patchouli oil . 

  This stuff used to be daintily worn by potheads and poets and pothead poets , but now it is worn by the most terrifying segment of female in the wild. 

   The uber-butch diesel . Now , there is a certain coolness to a typical tomboy and even Canadian straight women have more moxy than our American counterparts , but this is not what I'm talking about. 
   A "woman" (I think) swaggered by me yesterday who is the typical example - short mullet , parka , way-too-clean-to-be work boots . She (well , I don't know , a lot of chicks this macho prefer male pronouns for some odd reason) smelled like she had been MARINATING for a week in this shit . It took my breath away , and not in a good way . Sorry , macho girls , THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ANYBODY . 
  Back in the day I was dating this girl (who is now a dude incidentally) who had a Patchouli "Papa" housemate whose name will not be released for obvious reasons . Anywho , this woman had BACK HAIR . This was my first introduction to the scent worn by women who TERRIFY my next youngest brother , who is larger than most defensive linemen . 
  This stink used to be somewhat tolerable when worn by male street musicians , but chicks just do not have any concept of moderation when it comes to this strange asian snakebite remedy . Think about it - this substance is strong enough to make COBRA VENOM run for the hills . And it will do the same to this Cougar. 

Don't even let a frienemy near this horrid oil . PLEASE , for the love of humanity .

Thank You


  A young cat named Chris Henry left the Earth today for the permanent gridiron in the sky . He couldn't let a woman go for a second and his life left him and it absolutely blows . OK  boys , here's a little thing - when you get into a spat with the old lady , let her go blow off some steam . Not all women are outspoken . Some just need to chill , and unless you are a complete dicksmack , she'll be back . There are very few situations in which a dude should be leaving on God's permanent plane at 26 . But this Chris , much like another one thought that his mama was property and believed in the myth of his own legend . And now he's in a box. 
Death is FOREVER. 

Sometimes you cant take the Hood out of the rat. 

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends ...

...say this word . It is possibly the most horrendous word in the English language and I am exposed to it due to living in a rainforest and watching way too many cooking shows .


Say it aloud without shuddering . Try it . You can't .

This word conjures up some of the most disturbing visuals and just makes my skin crawl into a corner crying . I mean I KNOW it's common whether one is describing a cake (that I will so NOT buy) or the dewy morning grass .  There's even been a CUPE President named Paul Moist . (Poor bastard )
But it's still disgusing.

Words that cause such visceral reactions have previously been removed from common usage . Gleimous is one of those . It sounds like something oozing and weepy and gross , and that's exactly what the adjective means . We don't use it anymore other than to gross out our friends .

Moist needs to be banned .

Before I go , the 3 most horrid words can be strung together in a sequence of 2 adjectives and a noun .

Moist , gleimous vagina .

Enjoy your breakfast.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Point Worth Taking Home For The Holidays

  With the publicity surrounding the American Healthcare legislation , I've noticed so many people claiming that Canada has wonderful and universal care for all denizens and that it is free . People seem to have my nation and Great Britain somehow confused , and while it is a lovely idea , it is UNTRUE . 

  I was refused life-saving medication today because I told the pharmacist I could not AFFORD it . Not offered any alternative , flat out denied something that I need to survive . In Canada . The tune quickly changed when I pulled some money from my pocket and asked how much I could receive for my dollars . I have a bottle in my hand that contains one third of the quantity prescribed , but I will live to tell the tale and presumably buy more drugs . Now , I am 33 years old and I can take care of myself for the most part but what if the person was a lady with end-stage cancer or a child with diabetes ? Surely , such persons would not be without their medicines in caring , socially-aware Canada . YES , they are refused . 

  I know people who have children with chronic conditions that spend undue amounts of time in the hospital due to lack of medical care , which should include medications to prevent these costly and life-threatening complications . There are diabetic kids RIGHT NOW , in wealthy Canada who are losing their eyesight because of lack of insulin . There are men and women who have to resort to criminal activities to pay for the medications for their children and spouses who are seriously ill . Decent , working-class , backbone-of-our country CITIZENS are being forced to do things that they could not previously imagine because working people do not qualify for assistance in the vast majority of instances . And that's a crying shame in a country as blessed as ours . The average person would be outraged at this , but we do not want to believe that this national tragedy could occur under the careful watch of our tax dollars . 

  The usual reply is "what about welfare?" . Well , what of it? In order to qualify for welfare in the province that I live in you must prove that you have been indigent for 3 months . 3 MONTHS and you might be considered for assistance that WILL pay for the medicines you so desperately need , but only if you haven't worked a day in those last three months . The maximum TOTAL payment for a single person is $510 per month and you are expected to pay no more than $350 of that in rent , the rest for food , clothing , and other neccessaries . I will tell you now that you cannot rent a SINK in Vancouver for $350 , and you have to provide PROOF that someone is willing to rent to you for that puny amount , otherwise the payment is $185 .  Forget about living in your car because if that vehicle has a Blue Book value of more than $2000 you are required BY LAW to sell it and live off of the proceeds . Yes , if your 1994 Plymouth books out at $2001 you are S.O.L. Social Assistance is demeaning by design and remember that we don't have food stamps . Besides , what self-respecting parent wants to quit their job in order to wait 3 months for medicines for a sick kid who needs them YESTERDAY ? 

   People do sometimes get together as a community to help , but it's not universal . Nobody really wants to admit that their hard-work cannot sustain their family . In times of plenty I will open my wallet to help . Several times I've been at the pharmacy picking up my meds and noticed the dejected look on a mother's face when the cashier announces a figure and then denies the insulin or anti-convulsants . And when I can , I will volunteer to pick up the tab because it is the right thing to do . What SHOULD be appropriate is that the kid is not denied in the first place , and if it means paying an extra half a percent in taxes so be it . Medication is preventative care to begin with , and will save us so much more money in the end , but moreover it will save the lives of those who are ENTITLED to grow up to live and love and wipe my geriatric butt . I wish that those pharmacists (fat chance at their salaries comparable to entry-level doctors) would band together to just dispense the meds and send the Feds the bill . What are the big box joints going to do ? FIRE them when there are zero people to replace them? 

   This is NOT going to happen any time soon . So when you raise your glass tonight in Montreal or Vancouver or Toronto , don't hand some useless trinkets to your entitled relatives . Find some local family in need and use that gelt to buy them the healthcare that they deserve but is not provided . Have  respect for your fellow man and save his life this season . If each and every one of us who can do something does , our chunk of the planet and the future of the world as we know it will change so much for the better . It is in all of us to give to others - whether it's a bag of sandwiches for that old guy living in his truck or buying a cancer ward . Even if all that you have to give is your words , use those to make another living being feel like a valued entity . All of these things no matter the size or scope add up to a world that IS worth living in . Just for today , stop and take a breath and then do something to help another person . There is no job too big or too small , only the depth of your empathy for fellow human being . We ALL can do this one day , and one person at a time . 

Monday, December 14, 2009

Somewhere In California ...

... Someone has this license plate . Classic! Now go look for it!

Just For Fun : Canadian Bacon

  This is a funny ad for something I'd never use , but this dude plays the part so well I had to post it . 


Soup Chronicles : Halvah

Halvah Nagila

  Sometimes the old stuff is the best , so here flies with an awesome old-school candy that you can do yourself so easily you might never go to again . There are thousands of versions of this sweet stuff that range from almost cloying to savoury , but this one is what most people are thinking of when they crave . This is not quite as sweet as commercially made halvah because there is no refined sugar , but you'll dig it. Makes a TON .

Yummo halvah for those who dont't have tahini handy

Get a pot and toast 6 cups (!) of sesame seeds until lightly brown and fire them slowly into a blender until reasonably smooth . Ta da! You have a reasonable approximation of tahini paste. Set aside

Grab the old spice grinder and pulse together roughly a teaspoon of allspice , half a cinnamon stick , and a one inch cube of ginger . Add to the brew with 1 1/2 cups of honey . If you don't do the bee vomit thing , use maple syrup and give it a bit of North American flavour .

Make sure the brew is mixed well and spread into a pan. I line mine with parchment paper for easy removal . Refrigerate until quite solid and munch out  ; OR

Get out a double boiler (you can make your own by using a glass bowl over a few inches of water in a pot) and melt a bar (100g) of decent quality dark chocolate .Let sit for about a minute and drop squares of the chilly halvah into the chocolate and roll into chopped walnuts or pistachios . Allow to sit for 15 minutes and make your guests into housemates .

Addiction is ... chocolate nut halvah

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tis The Season..

... for a Hillbilly Menorah
I don't have a Menorah to call my own , so like a good little redneck I made my own.

Happy Holidays!!

I Have A Message!

Eternal salvation is big business in America . The TV , radio , and interwebs are littered with folks determined to beat their brand of holy roller bullshit into your brains for the low , LOW one-time (yeah , right) payment of $79.95 plus postage and handling .

  These salesmen of servitude seem to have the ultimate recession-proof jobs - people get mighty spiritual when they are worried about whether or not God is gonna let the big bad bank foreclose on their vacation homes .
 I mean LOOK at these guys!!! They have nice homes , cute kids , pretty wives , and that unmistakable lacquered look . Fresh haircuts , killer bling , $4000 suits - these cats are rap stars with a far lower risk of getting knocked over in a drive-by .
   Spirituality can make you VERY wealthy , it doesn't matter whether you are selling Jesus or Xenu . People will be magnetically drawn to the promise of an utopian afterlife and inner peace. And in their gratitude , they will open their wallets . If you build it , they will come . Just ask L. Ron Hubbard  - he invented a religion based completely on Science Fiction ideas that he didn't believe were real . He conceived the plan to amass vast wealth vis a vis soul selling a decade before he put the idea into action . And it worked - he had all the ladies , drugs and adulation he wanted and cool digs to chill and pen mediocre novels while selling something he knew was a joke. He died with a net worth in the deep end of the $600 million pool .

  I want THAT life - adulation , money , and mamas - whether it be a gimick like Geller or a spaceship with Jesus on it . I'll make up my own rules and expectations to suit my every desire . I'll even change the Bible to suit my needs and convince you that my version is the ONLY one worth believing . I'll get rich selling trinkets with magical powers and make sure I guilt you into buying the book , CD , DVD , and Interactive Game .

  I'll call it the Loyal Order of the Shining Knob .

   For $249.95 plus $12.50 shipping and handling , I'll send you your VERY OWN Solid Brass doorknob molded from a plastercast of my dog's sack. All of your guests will be overwhelmed with the joy and peace of the holy Knob every time they enter your home . Little do they know, we have etched in the knob something I made up 10 minutes ago, but I'm sure everyone will feel the power and inspiration of It's message . When you hold the Knob you can't close the door on God .

 For those of you on a tighter budget we have the perfect gift item - a Knob on your own personal pendant . Now the wonderful message of the Knob can be with you in the shower , at the Legion Hall , or on the golf course. For just $19.95 with any qualifying purchase you may also receive a mini Knob , ideal for your treasured grandmother or paper boy . Those most dedicated to spreading the blessed message of the Shining Knob can venture to . The flagship site features a vast array of books, videos, images , and other items sure to make an impression on you and your loved ones . We even have Holy Knob Water Wet Naps to help you feel refreshed on your long journeys abroad .

  As the master of your domain, YOU hold the key to the Knob .

Friday, December 11, 2009

Tis The Season

For kids to do this. This micro is from Idaho and some kid in Vancouver did the same thing this morning. 

The curiosity and boneheadedness of boys is awesome! 

Happy Holidays!

Vancouver Is A Funny Place

 Some of the ecstasy pill seized in Vancouver were imprinted with peace signs or the Olympic rings.  If you folks are unaware that Vancouver is hosting the winter Olympiad in 2 months , you have been living under a boulder . Vancouver is also rather well know as a major transportation point for every drug imaginable . 

  Cops were called to a house in East Van under the guise that the place was being broken into and didn't find the "perpetrators " , but saw a bunch of clear bags with bright coloured pills in plain view. The wise officers knew that they looked kind of strange and shut the joint down while they waited for a warrant . 
  Anyways , they were right - there were drugs - 6 ounces of blow and over 107 , 000 (!) tabs of E . Now , the idea of a million bucks worth of amphetamine-type shit floating around an Olympic area is not the most wonderful for VANOC , but guess what they are worried about... 
Vancouver police say they stumbled on these ecstasy pills while investigating a report of a home invasion.   The tabs of Ecstasy have the Olympic rings on them and they are worried about COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT . I'm not kidding . A mountain of likely-contaminated teenage-brain-vapourizing dope that looks like this was available , and the Olympic dipshits were worried about a symbol . 

   Was VANOC worried that the "unofficial" knockoff MDMA was an insult to the quality of their Officially Licensed  Product ? Is Olympic E better than Biker E ? 

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just For Fun - Or Is It?

Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

  This is perfection . Just watch this satirical snippet. It might just make you think a little about the fairness of perception . Or it might make you laugh . Or both .

THIS Is Not ...

 ...the look you want to have when meeting an octogenarian , especially when the old lady is one of the most powerful people on the planet . Yes , yes , she was doing some sort of show there , but come on , it's the Queen . At least show an iota of respect and don't look like a dominatrix from Hell . I hope the REAL Lady didn't wear her contacts , but she shows no obvious signs of shock , so she probably is without the lenses. Either that or Madame Liz is impossible to horrify . Either way , Lady(?) Gaga looks like a tool . Even the microdude in the front KNOWS this is off-the-handle.  

  It almost makes one long for this "classic" Gaga "look" - at least the cup and saucer thing is English.

Ok , maybe not.

Raise a crumpet to HM Elizabeth II for having one hell of a sense of humour and the grace of quietly chuckling when the rest of us would be in tears laughing and probably pointing.

THIS Is The Definition ...

  ...of Sellout . Digable Planets used to be a group that mixed noises from avant garde artists with rhymes about abortion rights , weed , black power and a host of other topics both fun and controversial . Some of their earlier stuff was fairly commercially acceptable , but they always managed to sneak things between the lines and their later stuff was more aggressive . All in all they just didn't have that idiot stick feel and they've been doing enough behind-the-scenes stuff and side projects to make decent lives all round . 
  So THIS comes as such a fucking shock - a transgressive trio's tunage used to advertise SOAP . FUCKING SOAP!!! Not sneaks nor turntables nor the Nation of Fucking Islam - Tide motherfucking laundry soap !

  FUCK! I'm so annoyed by this I'm probably going to have insomnia. 

  Thanks assholes.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work

  This is John Ditullio and he's a Nazi . (I know , you are extremely shocked by my assumption)  He's proud enough of his bigotry that he is covered in racist and aryan gang tattoos . Overwhelming evidence points to the fact that he killed a 17 year old kid he thought was gay and tried to kill a neighbour because she had black friends . He's such a douchebag that even the other skinheads are testifying against him . If fuckface is convicted , he'll probably ride the lightning . 

   In an effort to give this dude a "fair" trial , the judge has ordered Florida taxpayers to pony up $150 per day to have a makeup artist cover up his ink because it might "prejudice" the jury. Now I might live in a dreamland , but I'm pretty sure that people are NOT born with 15 centimetre  swastikas on their necks . Hypothetically speaking , if YOU were on trial for several hate crimes , would you get a bunch of skinhead symbols and racist words permanently emblazoned on YOUR melon? 

  John Ditullio CHOSE to kill in the name of Hitler , CHOSE to send the father of his victim a card wishing him among other things a "Merry Faggot Christmas" , and CHOSE to get the motive for his crimes permanently etched on his body . Nobody did any of this but he alone and he's not the least bit sorry . 

  It's not about the amount of money so much as the point - the ink is fundamental to establishing what a fuckwad this guy is . Also , if he feels genuinely harmed by his own stupidity , he shouldn't have been inked in the first place , but since he has should have to foot the bill for the cover up job . Besides , those make-up skills will come in very handy since he's in a prison full of big black dudes who are likely more than willing to make Ditullio their bitch . 

  I hope the makeup artist is a flaming gay dude. 

Just In Time For The Holidays
Family can be defined in a number of different ways . 

 Just watch this video . Your life will be better for it. 

The Voice : Alison Shaw


 The dream-inspiring noise is Alison Shaw of Cranes (There is no "The" in the band's name.) . Check out her very unusual voice . They are an awesome live band and have been around since the mid-80's but flown under most peoples' radar . They certainly have more famous tracks than this one but I kind of picked it so you would look further.  Enjoy this snippet and hit Youtube. 

Truth Is Funnier Than Fiction

In a new low , Hulk Hogan has sued his ex for a toilet seat .
You are not hallucinating .

Apparently the Hulkster has an emotional attachment to an antique wooden crapper cover and he REALLY wants it back so he's suing his ex. Her response in quote : 

" He KNOWS I'm using the wooden toilet seat as a frame for his picture ever since I found out he is a serial cheater and liar . Once he comes clean and starts to be honest , he can have it back. " 

I have a newfound respect for Linda Bollea . She's on funny bitch!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Space Cadets

 Richard Branson is a big kid with the big dream of commercial space travel . He has come up with these carbon-composite uber-planes that he is convinced will take people into space . His idea is to remove the exclusivity associated with space flights .
  At $200 000 a pop , roughly the value of the house I live in . And rich people with nothing better to waste their money on are forking the dough over so they can get a spot on the maiden voyage of the hypothetical spaceship made out of the same thing as the toes of my workboots.
  With 3 days of training or less and that's IT.
  Astronauts are some of the highest trained and fittest members of our planet for a reason - because space flight requires such things . The life-or-death nature of such scientific flight brings a kinship that 2 or 3 days of hanging with the other guys cannot bring . In fact , the lack of needed training is the SELLING POINT.
If I'm gonna be chilling above the atmosphere , I WANT the best training that I know costs far more than $200 000 .
  Right now , all that Richard Branson promises is that you can hang out with media types and most importantly , hang with the man whose ego seriously could use some gravity.
  Even IF he accomplishes his dream , you won't see me lining up to hop on the maiden voyage of his craft or any other method of travel . This is something I don't want to be first at  . The Titanic was an example of overambition costing vast numbers of lives on it's very first trip , and there are countless others . 

I DO engage in some risk-taking behaviour , but I'm trained correctly to do so and aware that there is a possibility , however small , that the worst could happen . I have a job that kills people every day and have arrangements made in case I am seriously injured or killed . This is the responsible thing to do . Irresponsible is taking a bunch of people into an unknown and claiming that it is completely without danger . There is inherent danger whenever you push the boundaries of science and nature and it may well be criminal to sell people safety that simply cannot be guaranteed. The LAST place I want to be on the second of my demise is with a bunch of freaked-out suits who have been lied to.

In the hypothetical event that Branson gets his wish , you can count me OUT.

 If I want 6 minutes of potentially-fatal fun , I'll hire a hooker.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Soup Chronicles : The Greatest Snack Food EVER

The Greatest Snack Food EVER

This power food was intriduced to me by my maternal grandmother and it satisfies all of the typical snack elements - it's salty , crunchy , and kind of heavy - but the one thing that differs from all other munchies is that this one is GOOD FOR YOU . Don't tell your friends until after they start going insane . You've heard of Halvah and Turkish Delight , here's an age old snack from the southern end of the mediterranean .

Oh , and this is so easy a drunk roofer could do it , which is good because Garbanzos reduce the severity of hangovers.

My Grammo's Roasted Chick Pea Snack

Preheat oven to 225C (425ish Fahrenheit ) and get out a cookie sheet . I line mine with a silicone matt)

Take 1 can Garbanzo Beans (Chick Peas) , drain them and toss them in salt and Ras El Hanout (recipe to follow) or Seasoning Salt . Subsequent batches might require 5-10 cans depending on the crowd.

Spread evenly on the pan and bake for 15 minutes (until some crack open) on the MIDDLE rack , flipping half way through the process.

Turn off the oven and remove the beans 5-10 minutes later . Add more salt if you wish.

Prepare to fight with your friends over the bowl !

Nutritional mumbo-jumbo

Chick Peas are high in Tryptophan but nobody bitches like they do about turkey about the food coma . That's because it's caused by overindulgence and not Tryptophan . Don't worry your head because 1 cup of these beauties contains :

164% of your RDA Molybdenum (good for your teeth and liver , prevents cancer)

84.5% RDA Manganese (essential trace element present in all of your cells)

70.5% RDA Folate ( neccessary for the production of all new cells , prevents neural tube defects , prevents red blood cell disorders in people of all ages , prevents heart disease , cerebrovascular disease , and cancer)

65.6% RDA Phenylalanine ( regulates neurotransmitters , norepinephrine , adrenaline and dopamine . Is a natural painkiller and mood stabilizer . People with PKU should avoid Garbanzos.)

50% RDA Dietary Fibre (prevents colon cancer , colitis , diabetes , and makes you lose weight and lowers cholesterol )

44% RDA Tryptophan (an essential amino acid that aids in protein synthesis and is the source of Serotonin . Tryptophan deficiency can cause suicidal depression.)

41.3% RDA Lysine (another essential amino acid . Builds muscle , ensymes , aids in calcium absorption , and is the building block of antibodies)

29% RDA Protein (we all know what this is)

27.6% RDA Phosphorous (Forms DNA and RNA , is a major component of all cellular membranes , hardens bones and teeth)

26.3% RDA Iron

EVERY Amino Acid including the aforementioned , but very high levels of Cysteine (48.8% - a natural hangover remedy); Histidine (31%) ; Isoleucine (53.9% , cannot be synthesized) ; Leucine (40.7% , cannot be synthesized , builds muscle tissue and repairs your liver) ; Methionine (25.7% , cannot be synthesized but can conver itself to cysteine if need be) ; Threonine (43.6% , cannot be synthesized) ; Tyrosine (37% , regulates the same hormones and transmitters as phenylalanine as well as thyroid hormones , melanin , and pain . Is useful in treatment for cocaine withdrawal.) ; Valine (41.5% , cannot be synthesized)

All of these other essential vitamins and minerals and more : Copper (29%) ; Magnesium (19.6%) ; Zinc (16.7%) ; Potassium (13.6%) ; Thiamine (12.7% ) ; Vitamin B6 (11.5%) . Rich in Omega 6 fatty acids .

On A Serious Note

   20 years ago , an insecure microdick named Marc Lepine took an entire University hostage because he didn't think that he should have to share a class with women . He didn't really need to worry about such things , because Ecole Polytechnique refused him several times because he lacked entrance credentials . He was refused because he kept dropping out of the prerequisite courses .
This and all of his other failures he blamed on women , whom he was taught from birth by his Algerian father to hate .
  After little  Gamil Garbi's (Marc Lepine's real name ) mother got sick of old pop beating her and her kids senseless , she left him and got a decent job to care for her brood . Most kids would see their mums as heroic , but little Gamil thought his mother was a traitor who should go back to serving him and his father's tyrannical wishes.
  Of course , little Gamil grew into Marc , an anti-feminist , pro-Hitler asshole . The military rejected him for his antisocial tendencies . He saw women with jobs around him and it drove him insane . In his mind it was HE who should be scoring that engineering degree even though he didn't earn it . A woman should be serving him hand and foot and not taking his rightful place in society.
  He legally purchased a Ruger Mini-14 and headed off to the school of his dreams with a letter to the world in his pocket . He separated the male and female students and shot all 9 of the female students (only 3 survived) before proceeding into a corridor and throughout the building , hunting humans . He had this grandiose idea that he was fighting in a war against women and that he would go down in glory . 14 women lost their lives and 14 other humans were seriously wounded before Marc Lepine blew his brains out .
  After the police recovered the body of Marc Lepine , they discovered a lengthy letter to the world with a list of the prominent people that he wanted to kill but knew he could not . It turned out that this terrorist had been planning his attack for years and had displayed signs consistent with suicide.
  Twenty years on , Marc Lepine is not seen as evil anymore . He's either seen as a victim of circumstance by bleeding heart sissies who seem to forget that this "victim"  was a butcher  or as a folk hero by men longing for an era where women are forced back into their God - ordained places . These men see the victims of Lepine as deserving of death to prove a political point . I suppose people hold such views because this horror occurred in CANADA , where people are too eager to shift blame from those who are due to be accountable.
   In any other western nation , they would call Marc Lepine a terrorist .

Good Morning , Tila ....


  You are a little douchebaguette and I'm not offering pity for you . But I'm curious as to what made you into the shitstain you are today . Was it your brave immigrant parents loving you too much ? Was it the fact that they risked their LIVES and gave up their way of life in order to improve your existence ? What the hell made you hate yourself enough to think that you needed attention by trying to be a poor little hoodrat and subsequently whoring yourself out to the world? We all KNOW that EVERYONE wants to be a gangsta bitch because it's just so fucking cool to smoke crack and fuck half of the wankstas in Houston .

Let's review a few things . Yes , you talk the talk because you walked for a while , but you had to run off to New York because you are a RAT and we all know what happens . It comes as ZERO shock to me that you are a loudmouth because that's how you make bank now. Broadcasting the personal details of the lives of people who don't kiss your ass is not only juvenile , but lets the entire world know that you squeal . I hope Rihanna beats your ass. Dipshit.

You have ZERO musical talent . People only watch you lip-synch the tragic crap with your name on it because they want to see you fall on your ass. Every time you get on your little camera and trip over your own feet , we laugh because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It used to be kind of a guilty pleasure until you started doing things like taking shits on-cam to prove how "shocking " you can be . You are a filthy little cunt and an attention slut.

 You are NOT gay . Period. You profess your lesbianism because you think that it will get you attention , all the while stating that you are gay because men are just so bad and that one day "the right guy" could turn you. You are an insult to gays . We fucking hate you because the idea of having a plasticene orientation is insulting to those of us that have to look in the mirror and see scars from gaybashers. Yes bitch , I just LOVE the fact that I have chronic headaches and blurry vision , among other problems from getting my brains beat out by skinheads with bricks. Go eat a dick , EVERYONE KNOWS it's what you really want anyways.

  Finally , at least for today , I cannot wait for you to disappear . Why not organize a mass suicide along with the stable of morons who hang on your every move ? You rant about wanting to someday do good in your life , so why not do the world a favour and take a few thousand mindless sycophants with you ? The thing is , you would be the only one drinking the Kool-Aid . Hey , I'm anti-suicide in general but since you keep threatening it , I'm not going out of my way to stop you. Get mental help or check the fuck out .

  Fuck Off ;


Food Of The Minute

What I'm Eating Right Now

I am having a midnight snack that most people would consider far too rich for their diets , but it's really just starch . Oh my word - Carbs! AhhhhI Everybody run!!!!!

Seriously , everything you have been told about carbs is a LIE . Starches are the most important energy source for your body , and unless consumed in grotesque quantities , they won't make you gain weight . They also won't cause diabetes or any of the other bullshit you have been told . You could consume an extra half-cup of pure refined sugar daily and will not gain weight through de novo lipogenesis . You gain weight from FAT , which there is a bit in this dish , so if you are enjoying it at 1 A.M. and not a roofer don't go huge with the portion.

Name That Pasta


In saucepot add 1 ounce tofu and 1 clove garlic , get the sizzle on with 1 tablespoon of margarine and add

1/2 a small courgette (zucchini)
10 snap peas , cut in half
1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 teaspoon(ish) chives

Sizzle until you are content with the colour/texture and add

1 tablespoon of flour (preferably superfine) . This with the margarine is called a roux .
2 teaspoons white horseradish (yes , this stuff is awesome )
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup almond or soy milk
salt and pepper

Reduce for 2-4 minutes and Mix the goo with al dente pasta

If the semolina in the pasta doesn't bind the sauce , use a tablespoon of superfine (blending or gravy) flour.

Serve and prepare for a food coma

This recipe and more to come are on my "No Tar In This Pot" food blog . (Psst...look at the sidebar . It's hanging with Jodi and Sophia and the rest)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The War We CAN Win

This is heartbreaking . While we cannot bring this young man back from the dead , there are things we can do to reduce the needless death occurring in foreign lands . 
  First - Get out of Iraq . Period. You already got your man and even normally peaceful people see foreign soldiers as dangerous interlopers . They have and will continue to attack you. Don't worry - the world will not cease to exist if we get out of Iraq . In fact , it will probably bring peace when people realize that their country will have to unite to fend for itself . Iraq has existed for thousands of years without Western interference and only started to get radical when we started meddling in their affairs . Nations can and do exist cohesively without outside influence . I KNOW it defies our arrogant nature , but just leave them alone to balance things out . 

Second - Afghanistan is a clusterfuck for international peacekeepers . Why? Because Afghanis are overwhelmingly Pashtun , and Pashtuns are not at peace unless they are at war .  Assist exit strategies for any law-abiding person who wishes to leave this peculiar culture that has been based on death since the days before Islam was even introduced . Afghanistan is a poor country because they fight amongst each other like 2 year olds and for all of written history have. It seems strange to most of us that people actually enjoy this style of life , but what you have to realize is that as much as it pains us , you cannot attempt to change the fundamental nature of an entire ethnic group . We tried this with Aboriginals , and it's pretty obvious that we committed cultural and physical genocide . People will naturally rebel against having the will of another nation forced on it - wouldn't you do the same if a roving band of foreigners invaded YOUR country?
As for Afghanistan being the hub of terrorism , that's just another lie you have been told to quell your apprehension about the idea of being there in the first place . The Taliban was an American creation , and is mainly stocked by non-Afghanis . Pushtuns are too busy engaging in turf wars amongst each other to bother worrying about attacking any other nation . Any wars that Afghanistan has been involved in were instigated by another country . Everyday Afghanis really do have no idea where Usama bin Laden is . Ask the CIA or the Saudis , the true terrorists . (ed- he was killed hiding out in Pakistan. What a surprise!)

The single greatest weapon of anti-terrorism is MONEY . Without stable world currencies like the U.S. Dollar and the Euro , totalitarian regimes would be quieted . Every time we open a company in kingdoms like Saudi Arabia and Dubai , among others , we are building the bombs that will be used against us . Yes they do have oil , but so does Norway and Canada . Besides , we will be forced to develop less ecologically damaging energy alternatives when we see the future fossil fuel supply as limited . Nurture western genius instead of promoting mideast terror . It is imperative that we remove all financial support of Islamist theocratic regimes . Give a timeline for all western companies to remove themselves from such countries and limit which countries can be used for outsourcing . The best time is now , when we are already economically stunted . We will unite in order to get through any economical hardships , which would be very temporary since we will no longer be spending vast sums kissing Saudi ass. The little things DO matter - any time we buy Saudi electronics , Syrian textiles , or party in Dubai we are giving money to evil . People need to have that truth force-fed to them if need be . Stop the free-funnel of dollars and nations would either adapt or collapse under their own grandiose theocratic weight . Who would think that the war we have the greatest chance of winning could be won through such a non-violent idea? 

War is big business making terrible people huge sums . Dick Cheney has made hundreds of millions of our hard-earned dollars and peace will not make folks like  him happy . Fuck 'em! Defense contractors have already raped the middle-class and murdered our friends and family . If they cannot adapt their industries into something more peaceful , let them fall . THAT'S Capitalism , the thing that all of us claim we are fighting to protect . This will initially not be financially easy on the West either . There will be an adjustment period just as there was when troops returned from any of the great wars , but if history tells us anything , it is entirely probable that we will bounce back . Sure , returning soldiers will have some emotional scars , but the fact remains is that those people are blessed with the skills and strength that any company would be blessed to take on. Some may have to temporarily relocate to other western nations for work , but if you ask any former soldier , he or she will tell you that they'd rather work in Canada or Germany than for some Saudi monarch . The jobs would flow back within 2 years just as they did after wars gone by . 

  The question is not whether we can stop the senseless killing of our young people , but whether or not we are really interested in changing the way we think about the world . Are we willing to stop arrogantly attempting to force our views on those who are different from us or are we going to continue to think of ourselves as morally superior ? In order for there to ever be peace in our chunk of the planet , we have to let others just be who they are and sink or swim with as little interference as possible . We must pick our battles more wisely lest we become the oppressive warmongerers that we profess to be different from . The only remedy is an overhaul of the ways in which our dollars are spent . We have the perfect weapon , and always have . The solution can be a peaceful  revolution if we want it . There is an answer if we dare to change . 

Saturday, December 5, 2009

No Clams In This Chowder

No Clams In This Chowder

  Most people think that creamy soups have to be high in fat and nasty-ass dairy . This comfort soup really is guilt free and has become something of a staple starter in my house . Sometimes I puree it , sometimes I leave everything as it is . I personally like the lumps.

1 tablespoon Canola or Olive Oil heated to medium in a big ass pot

2 large russet potatoes , chopped into 1 inch cubes . I leave the peels on and don't go to haywire with the washing. The last excuse of meat-eaters is B12 , which is in dirt . It used to be in beef because they graze , and is in less amounts due to the concrete jungle feedlots.

1/2 an onion diced .

Lightly caramelize these and add 2-4 cloves of minced up garlic , 1 tablespoon of horseradish (!) , and a little salt and pepper to the brew , along with about a cup of water or white wine.

Continue at a medium heat , adding water a cup at a time as the spuds break down . Don't worry if they stick a bit , the water will release all of the goodness into the brew. It is about this time that you should saute about a cup of mushrooms in a pan as well as the kernels from a cob of corn . Shave the milky corn remains into the soup pot.

If you are a protein junkie , you can dice and saute 1/2 cup or so of tofu . If you want to hide it , blend it in with the soup. Today's soup has the tofu sauteed with some Maggi and a bit of soy. If you do so , saute separately from the mushrooms that should already be in the pot along with 3-4 cups of water and a tablespoon of fresh or frozen chives.
Add the glistening tofu to the pot . Kinda looks like clams , doesn't it?

Keep the brew rolling until the flavours meld , about 20 minutes .

Add salt and pepper to taste and prepare to go insane.

- Note : After a demand for my food blogs , I've decided to post them  HERE - I'll be adding oddles this weekend

Canada Is A Funny Place

Here is a map of Canad..  
 I have been all over this vast land of ours and come across some fantastic and sometimes amusing place names . I'm not sure whether it is the scorching heat of summer or the freezing winters or simply our national sense of humour that comes up with these , but I'll share a few great places for your amusement. 

Dildo , Newfoundland - the obvious . People visit just to get under the sign
At least once a week I work in Qualicum Beach , BC . The school district is # 69
I played baseball as a kid out of Proton Station , ON
I thought I was hallucinating when I drove through Vulcan , AB
I avoid Swastika , ON like the plague. 
Spread Eagle , Nfld is off of Conception Bay and is near Dildo Arm
I thought St.Louis du Ha! Ha! (yes the exclamation points are there) was a joke .
I met the end result in the back of a bus going through Climax , Saskatchewan
I've gotten drunk in Wawa ON and South Porcupine
I frequently work in Nanaimo , which has streets named "Dingle Bingle Hill Terrace" and "Jingle Pot Road"

Here are a bunch more . Some I have been to , some I will never go to : 
Nameless Cove , Nfld
Bastard , ON
Come By Chance , Nfld
Forget , Sask
Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump , AB
Shag Harbour , NS
Two Sheds , NS
Burnt Church , NB
Bummers Roost , ON
Nut Mountain , Sask
Tit Mountain , BC
Beaver Creek , BC (I live here so I have to )
Two Hills , Navel , and Little Bush AB (We all know what they were thinking)
Westward Ho , AB
Burnt Flat , BC
Pothead , Nfld
Stoner , BC
Crotch Lake , ON
Blow Me Down , Nfld
Indian Tickle and Black Tickle , Nfld are neighbouring towns
Joe Batts Arm , Nfld
Moose Factory , ON
Lower Economy , NS
Malignant Cove , NS
Craupaud , PEI (not that funny . it means toad in french)
Garden of Eden , NS
Pecker's Point , Nfld
Fanny Bay , BC
Point No-Point , BC
Useless Bay , BC (another one near here)
Sheshatshit , Nfld
Toefield,Tees,and Balzac , AB (because of an inside joke )
Salmon Arm , BC 
Spuzzum , BC
Big Ass Lake , NS
The Buttocks , NWT
Blowhole , BC
Nipple Mountain , Yukon
Ogle , Sask
Butt Head , Nfld
Step Aside , Nfld
Nellie's Hole , ON

Sign Of The Times

... But it's definitely a spiritual experience that may involve a baptism in 9 months or so .


Mercifully for the rest of us , I don't think you will be looking forward to  grandchildren any time soon .

What Doesn't Kill You

   When health is absent
   Wisdom cannot reveal itself ,
   Art cannot become manifest ,
   Strength cannot be exerted , 
   Wealth is useless and
   Reason is powerless .
              - Herophiles
 I haven't really touched on a fundamental part of whom I am because I know that there will be a backlash from those who are stagnant in their world views , but I have been forced by my sense of responsibility to tell all of you how and why my life has been changed forever . I am alive today because 5 years ago I made the decision to do something drastic to fix my ailing self. I made the decision to forgo meat and dairy in favour of choosing to live and let others live . I went vegan . 
   I grew up in largely agricultural areas with the mom-and-pop kind of small farms around and it seemed to be acceptable to consume the corpses of the same animals we would watch grazing in the fields . Even in death , there was a gratitude to these creatures for their flesh that we had been conditioned to consume . There was a consciousness of the suffering endured when an animal would die and people took steps to ensure that the creatures died as painlessly as possible. I now know that this is not the way in which over 95% of the animals we consume for food are raised . But even as I came to the understanding that animals are tortured for mass consumption , I would ridicule vegetarians as extreme . I had actually been put off of the idea of forgoing flesh because of the alarmist and degrading actions of some members of animal-rights organizations like PETA . Their "Holocaust On Your Plate" series horrified me because of the images of humans being treated in a manner one would treat factory farmed animals . I was stuck in the old rural way where watching free-roaming animals provided me comfort from the horrors of my childhood . The concept of mass cruelty was a foreign concept. Even after mountains of evidence to the contrary , I still hit up the meat counter at the grocer . 

   I did not become vegetarian because of factory farming or even because of the relation between meat "production" and global hunger. I did so because I collect cook books and bought one by Dr. John cDougall in a thrift store and actually READ it fully . I have been in poor health since my teens and his personal story of triumph through diet weighed heavily .  The good doctor may be a picture of perfect health at an age most of us would consider elderly , but he wasn't as a young person . Dr. McDougall very nearly never became a medical student - he had a massive stroke at age 18 due to eating a high-fat diet and had heart disease into his twenties . I was interested in the recipes for sure , but the health conditions treated and minimized by changing diet had a very personal interest to someone who was as arthritic as I . 
I was still a skeptic so I decided to look into things further and discovered a mountain of evidence to support exactly what the doc was saying . I found numerous examples from the medical arena and discovered John Robbins , the chosen heir to the Baskin-Robbins ice cream empire who gave it all up because he kept watching his family members die from their dairy-rich d I had already removed some animal products from my diet and was noticing some physical changes , but "Diet For A New America" convinced me as to why this was happening and why our society is grotesquely unhealthy . The large pharmaceutical giants whom also produce the hormones and antibiotics given to factory-farmed animals do not want you to be healthier because it affects their bottom line . We have toddlers in diapers going into puberty and teens with coronary artery disease. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my teens and my brother had a heart attack at 21 .  These are all facts that no amount of denial can alter. 

  I went for the more gradual dietary change - first red meat and poultry , then dairy , then wild meat . I had become sick of the idea of ending the lives of others for my tastebuds and gave away the residual deer held in my freezer . Fish left , and finally eggs over a span of less than 2 months . And I have been given back my life . I have gone from walking assisted by a cane to working in one of the most physically demanding occupations imaginable . The pills I had required every time I ate have been gone from my home since I got rid of the "food" that was killing me . My cholesterol level is so low that it is scientifically impossible for my arteries to clog and have lost 60 pounds of fat from my frame . I am living proof that something that we don't generally think about can be the difference between life and death . And I am not alone . There is a diet that can put Lupus and cancer into remission , lengthen the lifespans of those with diabetes , hepatitis , asthma , HIV and Multiple Sclerosis to name a few , and reverse heart disease and osteoporosis . The question is whether or not you are brave enough to throw what you have been taught out the window in favour of living a truly fulfilled life. You already know that if you had to slit the throats of the cows that you call steak that you could not do it . The dead animals that you consume for a moment of joy exact their revenge by slowly and painfully killing you . 

It's called karma , baby. 

Sidenote : For those curious about the ad for "Earthlings" in the sidebar , I have provided the space free of charge . It's disturbing footage for most , but an interesting documentary worth checking out.