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Thursday, January 28, 2010


This is a cool kid who can cook . normally I'm propping up my own veggie inventions , but check out Kelsey from Penn . Plus , she uses one of my famous egg substitutes - bananas! So get those old black nanners out and drink up . Oh , and almonds are awesome for you as well.
There's NEVER a bad time for some Nog.

Check her out on


Scott Moore is about to have a son . Yes , you read that right - a papa is also the mama .
I actually don't have any issue with trans people having children - after all , Scott and his husband Thomas ( they are legally married in California) already have 2 older children birthed by Tom's late wife that seem to be pretty average micro-men. They already have a big , happy family so it's pretty obvious that they make decent parents. But I do have a few things that I'd like to ponder.

The first is related to the publicity of the event. While everyone on the planet and Oprah knows that Thomas Beattie has had a couple of kids , it wasn't the first time a transman has given birth. Other dudes have gone about this quietly , out of the spotlight. Not everyone is made to be an activist and being so public about such a thing will force unwanted attention on one's children like it or not . While some children do well under the media spotlight , many do not. Children do not exist for the purpose of being a political statement , they exist to be KIDS - to live and grow and be goofy. The existing kids already have a tough go explaining their two dads without having reporters shove microphones in their faces.

But my major issue has to due with the physical well-being of a child born to someone who may have a uterus but is hormonally male. While it is true that such individuals stop taking testosterone injections during their pregnancies , the existing man-juice doesn't magically disappear . Scott Moore has been taking testosterone since he was in his mid-teens . Women who use anabolic steroids during their pregnancies have considerably higher rates of stillbirth , lung malformations , pseudohermaphrosism , and pancreatic problems in their offspring. Testosterone excesses have been definitively linked to physical and mental retardation and stillbirth. Even athsma drugs can affect birth weight negatively.
There are high-risk pregnancies and foetal development problems in nature for sure , but nobody should willingly put themself and a potential life in danger just because they can. I don't agree with it in this instance , nor do I in Quiverfull families that reproduce excessively at great danger.

Also , there are plenty of children out there in need of decent families . Trans families in California can and do adopt with some regularity . In my mind identifying as male since you were 11 years old cements you into that , and men do NOT give birth. Obviously I wish the baby all the health and happiness in the world , but dear old dad should have considered the ramifications of deciding to bring a child into a situation that the microman cannot win.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

California Is Not A Bowflex


Ahh-nold is a great proponent of steroids , a mediocre actor , and the governor of California . He has driven his economy further into debt and come up with some epically hairbrained ideas in the past , but this one takes the proverbial cake.
  A long supporter of privately-run for-profit prisons , Arnie wants to outsource this to Mexico in his latest plot , but seems to be forgetting a MILLION things that will get in the way of his plan.

 The major thing is this : Mexico is a free country absolutely INDEPENDENT of the United States . It is an increasingly wealthy nation with a balance of modenity and tradition and an incredibly diverse cultural makeup . Mexico has all of the usual legislative divisions and a democratically elected government . It is not the territory of the USA and never will be . As much as the movies The Governator has been in suggest that one can dictate the will of others , one cannot force their system on another nation without force. That display of force is called WAR and America is already involved in way too many of those at the moment.

   Next , the crunch is caused by a court order to reduce the prison population . Building a prison in another nation for them does not make the number of prisoners smaller . Mr. Schwarzenegger probably believes that shipping garbage to the Nevada desert makes it magically disappear . It doesn't , and neither will 20, 000 people unless he copies some of his anceestors and shoots them into a pit . Want to reduce the prison population? Get rid of the "three strikes" law . There are people in Cali right now doing LIFE for their third drug possession or petit theft conviction. SORT the prisoners and release the ones who are not a danger to anyone . TADA! Population reduced. I cannot be the only person who has this idea - I hope.

  Also , aren't Californians desperate for JOBS right now? If I'm hearing this right , Arnie wants to get rid of American corrections jobs in favour of cheap Mexican labour. How about providing incentives for companies to NOT move their operations to Mexico , allowing job creation in his troubled state? Employed people pay TAXES , and those dollars are spent locally , boosting the economy. It isn't rocket science. Arnie's rich bastard buddies who run prison corporations like GEO won't like it , but screw it. They've already become fabulously wealthy at the expense of the California taxpayer and don't deserve any more gifts from her decent citizens.

  Luckily for California's great people , this arrogant stain on humanity only has 11 more months to try and screw them further and line the pockets of his buddies. The next governor will have it tough to erase Arnie's damage and will face immense scrutiny , being forced to prove that he or she is not another dimwit voted in by a famewhoring populace. Let this be a lesson to the residents to get their butts out there and VOTE in larger numbers than ever before. Arnold got in because the poor weren't letting their voices be heard at the ballot box.


Monday, January 25, 2010

My Name Is...

...Jon Gosselin .
And I am the luckiest asshole on the planet.

  While my ex old lady is taking care of my 8 kids , I get to prance around Park City with my choice of naivly ambitious young ladies and not pay for a dime of it. See , my 8 kids make me MANLIER than you and people will kiss my ass for it. And I didn't even have to risk my life to bring them into the world - hell , I didn't even have to bang the creepy bitch. Yup , all I had to do was jerk off in a little plastic cup while checking out the latest Hustler and the rack on that hot nurse in the hallway.
  My ability to allow my old lady to put my balls in a vise for a decade and exploit my relatives entitles me to hang with the rich and famous , score free shit , and act like the star that I really want to be.

  Hell , people are talking about putting me in films now. I think I can really dig this kind of life as long as you don't tell anyone I haven't earned it . Well , I've earned a drop of it.

  Me : 1 ; Every Real Dad : No Score

This Bears Repeating

I am immature at times and this ad makes me HOWL so much I almost wish it was longer.

I mean , I know the concept is kind of disturbing , but...

#1 - If I was doing an ad like that , I'd split my sides . I'd be in the nut ward before a decent take was filmed. Same goes for Tampax , Lube , or most certainly , Massengill . There is quite simply NO AMOUNT of money I could be paid to keep a straight face.

#2 - If there was something not-so-kosher about MY sacred bagel , I wouldn't be grinning like a Potzevateh who just lost her rimjob virginity . In fact , I'd probably be pretty upset about the whole situation and advance token to the nearest OB-Gyn for a wee checkup . I certainly wouldn't be fuckin dancing - I'd probably be a total cunt.

#3 - Call me judgmental but if I was at a lady's Dacha and saw 27 varieties of stuff for the vijay , I might be a WEE bit put off by the whole thing . It would probably be a mood killer more monstrous than 20 nekkid Ron Jeremys . Sorry , beauties , it's the truth - it makes you seem insecure or diseased . I'm not sure which is worse , but I really don't want to find out and nobody else does either.

on that happy note ...

Have a great Day!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Just For Fun : The Dude

  These commercials have been flooding our screens and brains for a couple of years now , and people always want to know who the hell these dudes are. Are they a band? Where are they from? You get the idea here. 

  Well , they aren't a real band , but the "lead singer" guy is an actual human being. His name is Eric Jean Violette and he's a musician and actor from Montreal. The American versions of the ads use a dubbed voice to cover up his accent as he's a funky dude and they wanted him in the commercials. He also has a twitter under @EricViolette . He's also a 28 year old Gemini.  Hope this helps.

And for your viewing pleasure , all of the ads.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Toddlers In Tiaras - Tampering With Innocence

The TLC/Discovery Channel empire prides itself on bringing informative yet entertaining programming to the masses and often fills that bill . In recent years , TLC's offerings are becoming increasingly exploitative of many groups of people , but most obviously , children . Highlighted by the larger media outlets , of course , is Jon and Kate Plus 8 , but Dancing Tweens smacks of this as well as other "special" programming . The worst of the worst thus far is most certainly Toddlers In Tiaras - which is not narrated so we can view the asinine behaviour of soccer moms in their most vapid and grandiose glory . Jumping on the bandwagon is WE with their series "Little Miss Perfect".

According to TLC's billing "The preparation is intense as it gets down to the final week before the pageant. From hair and nail appointments, to finishing touches on gowns and suits, to numerous coaching sessions or rehearsals, each child preps for their performance. But once at the pageant, it's all up to the judges and drama ensues when every parent wants to prove that their child is beautiful."

Naturally , as a decent and protective adult , I have some very serious qualms about not only this display of maternal abuse being on the airwaves , but existing in general . EVERY 2 year old is a beautiful creation of the Universe and deserves to be treated as if she is the most amazing kid on the planet UNCONDITIONALLY . Treated as a valid , intelligent , adored angel who is congratulated for a best effort as opposed to how much paste , waxing , hair extensions and spray-painting she can tolerate without crying . She needs to be taught to view people as the truly are versus how many pretty dresses their obsessed parents can afford , to value intelligence and determination and not to be groomed into the next-generation meth head soccer mom . Babies on these programs are openly psychologically and sometimes physically abused while we sit and watch and boost the advertising dollar .

Which leads into the sexual exploitation of these wee girls . We are living in a nation where the most common procedure for girls 12-14 is Laser Hair Removal . Even infants are being forced to sit for long hours to be spray-painted and manicured , and this is not just the pageant community . In North America , in excess of $50 million is spent on cosmetics for girls under the age of 12 annually and 80% are terrified of being seen as fat . Toddlers in Tiaras is the extreme example of a disease that is rampant . The disease is unapologetic paedophilia - while people line up to send the latest pederastic priest to a justifiably lengthy prison term , preschool girls are told to pout , to giggle , and yes , even to look "sexy" by their parents and the judges . The fathers of these wee angels always seem either powerless against their sicko wives or perverted themselves . This translates into an entire society where the most vulnerable children are seen as "fair game " for weirdos , not to mention the other damage being in these pageants can cause .

By the time they are adults , these girls will have permanent skin , tooth and hair damage and may have bone , vision and metabolic disorders from dieting at a young age . These kids will grow up with such artificial esteem that they will be insecure fools who might well wind up being the next batch of porn stars and strippers only to be "rescued" into the housewife role by some rich closet-queen to perpetuate the cycle again assuming they don't wind up on Santa Monica hooked on smack and giving blow-jobs to octogenarians for $20 .
Pardon me for being so graphic , but we need to save our girls from this bullshit , and while I'm not the type to interfere with parenting style , these pageants have nothing to do with it and must come to a swift end as they no longer have anything to do with talent and everything to do with objectification .

Public Service Announcement

  Heidi Montag was and is a fairly decent looking young woman who has a problem - she's addicted to permanently altering her body. She was never a bad looking lady . Before she hooked up with Spencer she looked a ton like Chloe Sevigny with a better fashion sense. She had a classic natural structure and had that cute girl-next-door kind of feel. But since she hooked up with Spenny she has gone from that to looking like the girl next door to a plastics factory.

This is old-school Heidi

And this is the new and not-exactly improved Heidi after a ridiculous 10+ procedures in ONE day

I spared you the gory bikini shots because I think she looks like a showpiece from the Body Worlds exhibit.
I have no idea WHAT Hollyweird and Spencer Pratt have done to this woman to make her hate herself so much. I really want to give her a hug and tell her that she's just fine and kick Spenny (who isn't exactly a perfect specimen of leading-man handsomeness) in the balls for allowing this BULLSHIT to go down. WHAT 23 year old GIRL needs botulin injections , let alone a fucking brow lift?
I mean I have dated women with augmented parts and I will tell you that fake ass cheeks do NOT do it for me - they feel a zillion times creepier than the worst fake boobs . And those lip injections don't feel right in the kiss department either . Try it - I dare you . Kiss a chick who has just got a lip job . You'll feel like you are getting face-raped by one of those weird gorillas with the loose skin.

Will somebody PLEASE stop Heidi before she turns into a transsexual version of Mickey Rourke , or worse The Bride of Wildenstein. Incidentally , Jocelyn Wildenstein looked a lot like pre-surgery Heidi in the 70's.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Blast From the Past?

Yesterday was the Dr. King holiday , and he was an epic representation of humanity , a true Global citizen .

Here's an ad from Martin Luther King's day depicting an upstanding black citizen no doubt through the eyes of a white executive. THIS is the kind of thing that we all need to stand up against , as we still have negative advertising depicting all sorts of ethnicities in stereotypically disgusting ways.

This is how people used to think in public . A shitload of people still do but don't verbalize it.

Racism stinks.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Football Food

Football Food : the Dunkable Mess

It's time for the NFL playoffs , and that means FOOD! I came up with this tortillas-and-dip combo last weekend and it ROCKS. The tortillas are a lower-fat break away from the eyeryday . I'm not sure if the dip is salsa or matbucha , or something else , but it's wicked . Enjoy!

The Chips

1 package corn tortillas. Cut into wedge shapes and toss into a bowl containing :
1/4 C Olive or Canola Oil
1 tablespoon dill weed
1 tea black pepper
salt to your liking

Bake in 400F oven for 7-10 minutes. The edges will curl. Salt immediately after you yank them out of the oven. Oh , and wear oven mitts.

The Dunkable Mess

Get out a deep skillet and warm to medium . In order add :

3 Roma tomatoes , chopped
1 Bay Leaf
2/3 Cup Finely chopped celery
1/2 Green Pepper , chopped
1/2 cup Celery Leaves (they're usually in the middle) , chopped
3 Spring Onions
2 Clove Garlic
1/2 Tea ground black pepper
1 tea Basil , dried
1 tea Dill Weed
1/4 Cup Ketchup
Juice of Half Lemon , rind optional

Make this happy until it gets somewhat soft . Add the ketchup in the middle and end of the cooking process , and deglaze frequently with Apple Juice. It will take 10-15 minutes for the dip/salad to get where you want it to be. Turn off heat and add a splash of Apple juice or white wine . Stir and dive in! Warm or chilly , this is addictive.

Enjoy the game! Go Vikes!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Nearly Speechless

  The world is a scary place with scary events that test our resolve. I was not feeling too happy with the guy-in-the-Sky for reasons of the obvious reasons - we all want to know why something could occur. But whatever answer we come up with , be it the will of some vengeful G-d , tectonic plates doing the crashola , or both , we cannot ignore the very human component to environmental disasters. 
  Haiti is a country that has been in need for a very long time due to a variety of factors , and some countries like Canada and Norway , among others donate vast amounts of aid year in and year out . It gives us the HOPE that one day these resilient people will thrive . They are not some far off people - they are one of Canada's larger minority ethnic groups . If you have ever taken a taxi in Montreal , you have met a Haitian. A friend I've had since 18 is from Port-Au-Prince and if the Haitian community of Toronto is any indication , these people are pretty awesome. Canadian basketball star Samuel Dalembert is from Haiti , as are the Governor-general Michaelle Jean and track medalist Bruny Surin . The first black mayor in Canada came from Haiti as with the current mayor of Amos, Quebec , not to mention countless musicians , actors and athletes. 
  Now that you know a few awesome Haitians , what can you do to help the hurting nation that gave them to us? First off , money. It's as simple as writing a check , texting 5 bucks, or checking to see other ways to donate. Salvation Army offices are taking cash donations right now all over the place. But if you want the best bang for your buck , check out THIS WEBSITE . The organizations are all legit , AND the Canadian government will match dollar-for-dollar donations made to the groups listed. That's DOUBLE the gift , and a big win for these great and resilient people who need us today. It's one small way that we can be of assistance in an uncertain world. 

God bless all of you. Hug your kids and mums.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


... this is why internet hookups are  scary . 

Watch this video . Don't these people remind you of the kind of people who are going to lock you in a box under the bed for ...oh , like a DECADE?

There is just something terrifying about these people . I can't put my finger on WHAT exactly , but I know i don't want to. They are sex repellant in need of a can.

Count me OUT

Douche For Life

  There are some tattoos that are annoyingly cliche , and barcodes are among them. But if you are idiotic enough to get one , can the barcode really scan? I found this entry from and I'm calling bullshit. :

Today , I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. Turns out I am a $5.98 16oz claw hammer. FML.

 The bar code tattoo was originally a counter-capitalism protest in ink , a reminder that we could become commodities if we aren't vigilant.  The bar code myth is based in the sci-fi conspiracy idea of people being catalogued by an all-powerful government , and carries some weight since in sci-fi land one could have magnetic ink injected into his flesh. But in todays reality , I highly doubt it.

  Now , a bar code would have to be flawless in order to hypothetically scan and the person would have to be an albino , but there MAY be some validity to such a peculiar claim . If you enter the SKU number from the bottom of a barcode into a database , it is possible that you will be a product.

  Most people who used to get these things had some idea of what the code meant. There were birthdate references , an actual word , or initials in binary code . The ink meant something to those wanting to make their secret little statement . But now every wanna-be hipster has one of these and they look stupid. And scanners are becoming so sensitive that some may actually scan in the near future.
  People have entered their SKUs , and while most people don't come up as anything , some find out that they are anything from food products to toys and more. I know of at least one artist who used the barcode from a Massengill Vinegar and Water Douche as the "random" code for these wannabes . That's right folks , there are dozens of people walking around with a tat marking them as a walking, talking douche .

  The moral of this story is that unless you want to be marked as a douche for life , know what the hell you are getting inked . Same goes for you dummies that get tattoos in hebrew or chinese that turn out to say " human ass muffler" .

Have a nice day!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Pickle Of The Week : Tessa Savicki

   There is some controversy in Massachusetts right now involving something that we all thought was a thing of the past - involuntary sterilization . Tessa Savicki claims that a Boston hospital gave her a tubal ligation after she gave birth to her ninth child without her consent . She claims to have signed up for an IUD and not the permanent solution.
   Miss Savicki started birthing kids by an assortment of men at age 14 , and while she doesn't seem to be as nutsoid as Octopussy , I have a few points to make . First , an IUD takes 5 minutes to place and a tubal ligation is usually a procedure requiring general anaesthesia - wouldn't Tessa Savicki have known that this is what she was consenting to?
Secondly , she is receiving government benefits for herself and 2 of her kids while her elderly mother raises 3 others . Does she have the right to bring more welfare babies into the world ?
Next , this is the same woman who sued and was awarded a judgment against CVS for selling her birth control that failed , so how do we know that this isn't yet another ploy to get someone else to pay for her lifestyle?

  From my position this smacks of a cash grab and an abuse of the system . It drives me absolutely batshit when people insist on burdening every form of social assistance to raise their broods. I DO have plenty of empathy for people who need help , but using and abusing a system for 21 years and not making the myriad of men accountable smacks of a con game. In the province that I was born in serial welfare moms are dissuaded by the fact that if they have subsequent children while on the system , their checks are not increased. All forms of birth control , including sterilizations are paid for . I'm not sure if this is the answer , but there has to be some kind of deterrent to people producing LITTERS of children that they have zero desire to nurture and teach a positive way of living to . It's sad - it's not the fault of the children that their mothers insist on being knocked up by every guy they meet and that their dads run for the hills.

  On the other hand there is the POSSIBILITY that a hospital fucked up and intentionally or not , deprived a woman of her freedom to reproduce. It is possible that either Tessa Savicki didn't read the consent form and/or she was lied to . Since she started popping out kids in grade 8 , she might not have known that they don't knock you out for an IUD . And there is a mandatory 30 day waiting period for sterilizations because , well women should have all of their decisions questioned.
  So this opens the can of worms. If Miss Savicki , regardless of her social standing , was indeed sterilized against her will , it is wrong. It smacks of the eugenics programs of our not-so-distant past , whereby social "undesirables" were forcibly deprived of their ability to reproduce. Back in the day many states even had laws mandating that the mentally ill , criminal , and physically disabled be sterilized and was expanded to include mixed-race persons , immigrants , and the poor. The eugenics programs are a stain on our history and this gross abuse of human beings should never be repeated.

   Whether or not this woman was altered against her will shall hopefully come out in the end . What's your take on this unusual case? Does Tessa Savicki have a case or should she just count her losses? Is she a victim or a fraud or both? Do we have a right to tell the poor what they can and cannot do with their bodies and lives?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Awesomeness To Last A Lifetime

I've seen this ad on the tube and was really curious about the cancer-fighting gent in the bicycle jersey and couldn't seem to find anyone who knew the identity of the guy. I thought that he might be a famed athlete or retired one . He isn't , but he should be. 

His name is Joe Finley , and he is awesome . He's just an average dude who has been fighting cancer for the last 6 years and while it might eventually take his life , he's not going to stop until he drops. I looked into it and he was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer that killed Babe Ruth and at the same age. Joe had never taken on a triathlon until after he got ill and was subjected to every invasive cancer treatment one can imagine and more . Now he completes races like his namesake triathlon and the Toronto Marathon . Oh , and he's almost 60.

The 1.1 million dollar figure quoted in the ad has doubled , enabling 28 new research scientists to find cures to rare head and neck cancers at the same hospital my aunt lost her battle. In just 3 years , Joe's triathlon has become the top fundraising triathlon in Canada . It's amazing how many lives a man can save because of nearly losing his . 

We are all amazing when we have inspiration. Make your mark. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Absolut Stupidity

There are some pretty questionable people (and even cartoon characters) who have been given stars on Hollywood's Walk of Fame . But as meager and momentary as some may seem , at least they are somehow related to the entertainment industry .

But in today's capitalist times everyone has to make a buck and within sneezing distance of Mikey Jackson and Frank Sinatra companies can buy their very own star for the sum of one million dollars . So far a couple of major brands have bit - namely L'Oreal and Absolut Vodka. This is wrong on so many levels.

Now , I can dig L'Oreal because makeup has a hell of a lot to do with Hollyweird - I mean have you ever seen Pam anderson without it? Yikes! And , while booze also has a lot to do with LALA Land , it's safe to say that it has been FAR from helpful . If you look at the names on the Stars , a fair number of them have DIED from things related to overindulgence . More people die in any given day from alcoholism than on 9/11 and we are not going to be giving Usama Bin Laden a star no matter how much cash he doles out.

This is ridiculous given the number of recent deaths due to addiction. Alcohol is a drug and should not be promoted in such a grandiose fashion .

Why don't we just give these guys a Star?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Attn: England

  Some "scientists" at the King's College of London have claimed that there is no biological basis for a G-Spot . Yes , I'm serious. They did not actually examine women to check to see if they possessed one , but simply asked a bunch of English mamas if they BELIEVED they had one. From this "evidence" , they have determined that the G-Spot is a figment of the imagination , giving British men just one more excuse for being shitty in the sack.

Excuse me while I fall off of my chair.

  Now , I know for a FACT that not only do some women have one , but it is a pretty universal thing - I have one , your neighbour does , and due to a painfully awkward conversation I know that my mother does. As appealing as the idea may be , G-d did not create a special race of G-Spot possessors for the exclusive joy of a few people . It EXISTS . I am tempted to draw a map but fearful of being assasinated by a gang of British men who'd rather spend their time in the Pub than pleasing their wives. By the way , the women in the survey were all heterosexual , I might add.

No wonder why so many British women look pissed off all the time.

OK , British blokes : bring your women to the nearest lesbian and back away VERY slowly . They will be returned to you in fair-to-good condition thoroughly satisfied.

Have a nice day!

Just For fun : Famous Farts

I work with dudes . Dudes are pretty proud of their farts . One of my coworkers even tried to light one with a bottle rocket and let's just say it didn't work out so well. Lebron James is also proud of his gas .
Watch him lift cheek on Anderson Varejao.

yes , I'm immature.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The 411 On Hangovers

There are things that are open for debate and those that are not . It' s a consensus that hangovers suck for everyone. I've met the most masochistic individuals that would scream with joy if belted with a cricket bat , and they do not enjoy hangovers. But what exactly causes the hurt , and most importantly , is there REALLY a way to prevent the cruel reminder of the previous night's debauchery?

Let's find out.

Symptom #1 : Hangover Insomnia - the feeling that you just haven't slept enough , yet when you try to sleep your mind plays all sorts of evil tricks on your brain and just will not let you. You wake up sweaty , shaky , and feeling generally unrested. What's worse , sleep shittiness can last for days .

What's To Blame : This dude here is Glutamic acid , an amino acid that is present in all sorts of yummy things like your brain . Alcohol puts a stop to this neurotransmitter and when the booze leaves your system , your body overcompensates by producing WAY to much of it creating a party in your brain. Glutamine excesses can actually cause seizures , but mainly just raise your blood pressure and play tricks with your sleep patterns . The last chunk of doze is in serious REM (the light sleep , not the awesome band , who may also be present in napland) , meaning you are likely to not feel rested when you wake up after a sea of very vivid dreams .

Is There ANYTHING One Can Do ? : Not really , you're not going to make up for lost time , but looking into the nerd brain of mine , I might have a bit of help. Ever notice that when you are feeling rude , you want junk food? Steak and Eggs , Chinese food , UMAMI , man ? I'm hopeful that since this stuff is in all sorts of food that there might be a way to trick the body into not rebounding quite so severely . I've noticed that my alcoholic stepdad wakes up at around 1 A.M. and eats a snack that invariably contains Glutamic acid and he doesn't seem to get the weird rebound insomnia . It's quite possible that he is waking up just in time to trick the shitstorm into not happening by giving the brain a small dose of what it craves . Research might have to be done here , but until then , it's not wise to take sleeping pills until you are certain that all of the booze has left your building.

Symptom #2 : Cottonmouth Joe : You wake up and you would drink camel piss if it was the only thing available . No matter how much water you drink , you just don't feel satiated .

What The Hell Is Going On? : The obvious and overly simplistic explanation is dehydration , which I will cover , but Xerostomia comes from a whole bunch of things related to party time . This is why post-booze pasties are so much worse than post-workout dry yap . To begin with , alcohol becomes vapour in air - ever notice how Purell seems to vanish leaving nothing but a chemical scent? Alcohol not only acts as a diuretic , but when you breathe through your mouth while drinking , it dries out everything it touches. People talk too much , smoke too much , and karaoke when drunk - all leading to your mouth being open for WAY too long. All kinds of drugs , including alcohol  but also nicotine and recreational party drugs , mess with salivary gland function . The extra cigarettes you or your friends smoke when having a few brewskis add to the agony. Cottonmouth also causes that nasty dragon breath characteristic of a severe hangover .

HEEEEEEEEELLLP!: Simply put , drink water before , during , and after the booze session and put a limit on indoor smoking . Chewing gum also increases salivary production and is always a wise idea . Not getting so shitfaced that you are forced to mouth-breathe is also something worth looking into . Once you have it , you are basically stuck with it until your salivary glands decide to revisit , but brushing your mouth is always a good option since it will remove the tongue scuzz and keep your housemates from collapsing from your post-alcoholic fire breathing.

Symptom #3 : BARF! Your belly is one angry beast - you are nauseated and will feel like marrying the porcelain goddess . Your inerds spin , you're dizzy , and you are certainly not climbing a ladder without puking all over the man working below.

What Is Happening To Me!?! : There are a number of causes for the barfbags , so I'll start here : Ethanol (yup , booze) is a pretty toxic substance all by its lonesome , but when it hits a fuctioning liver it is transformed into Acetaldehyde . This stuff is also present in tobacco smoke and is toxic until your body processes it . It's the same chemical that causes people to get the alcohol flush - a warning sign that your body is poisoned . Basically put - if your body has more of this toxic byproduct in it than it can get rid of in any period of time , your body will warn you with vomitus maximus , even after you are no longer feeling the fun drunk effects. Bummer.
Another one of the wonderful things that booze does is make angry on your stomach lining and esophagus - it screws with the acid balance and straight booze causes little burns to your gullet . The way that your body combats this is by trying to rid itself of the excessive offending gastric juices triggering that lovely warm acid bath in your mouth the next day.
Alcohol is an anesthetic , a poison - thusly , puking while drunk is a sign that your body is trying to keep from dying from the booze . The problem is that if you drink too much too fast , your brain can forget this life-saving reflex and you will die. If you puke WHILE on a bender , it means you have done something very wrong .

OK , Is There Help? : To begin with , make a plan BEFORE you get tanked. Eat something - it will fill your belly meaning you will be less inclined to overindulge and it will pad your belly from the acidic onslaught. It will also keep booze from hitting your liver as quickly , meaning that it will take you longer to get toxically drunk . Food also absorbs some of the booze so that in the event you do drink a dangerous amount , you can get it out of your system before it kills you. Afterward , drink and eat small portions of non-acidic foods during the day . I find potatoes to be comforting before , during , or after the party. Some people also swear by taking things like Pepcid and report less tummy troubles the next day.

Symptom #4: Your head hurts like an army of burly men with jackhammers are demolishing your frontal lobe . You might see blinkenlights , be sound sensitive , and irritable. Your head is not a happy place and wants to tell the whole world about it .

O.K. , Tell Me What's Happening (very very quietly) : To begin with , the Glutamine rebound has raised your blood pressure and messed with your sleep , making you shaky and bitchy , not to mention sweaty . Blood pressure elevation is notorious for making the head hurt . Another contributor is related to glucose in the brain , or rather lack thereof . Glucose is sugar , carbs run everything in your body . But it's not as simple as the hypoclycemic response that most people think . Booze also messes with gluconeogenesis - your liver just cannot push the sugars out to the places it is most needed , and your brain is a LONG way from liverland . This causes fatigue , confusion , weakness , bitchiness , and the inability to concentrate .
  Next , blame Mr. Dehydration once again - the very same beast that causes a whole host of yucky sensations also causes headaches . Think of when you were out back chopping wood in the heat . You got confused and a headache from hell . Like every other part of your body , your brain needs water in order to function properly . If it feels like your brain is being constricted , it is. Booze dehydration can actually cause your brain to pull away from the cozy lining , making the hurt worse.
   Finally , if you have been on a serious binge lasting half of your freshman semester , you might have become physically dependent on alcohol . As strange as it seems , your body can actually become accustomed to the idea of having poison floating around . There will be brain pain as your body adjusts to the idea of becoming normal again. Depending on how much you have abused the booze , you may even need medical intervention.

Can You Fix Me (Pretty please) : Like other things , preparation is the best medicine - eat , drink some water , and pray . On a serious note , you should try reintroducing electrolytes to your system : watered-down Gatorade is great simply for the sodium . Sodium helps your body absorb not only water but sugars as long as you don't overdo it. It has also been suggested that drinking clear liquors versus darker may be preferrable. If you have the twitches , you might need to take a benzo in order to quell tremors . The standbys seem to be food , water , sleep , and Tylenol. B-complex vitamins as well as vitamin C and potassium seem to keep the hangover from stretching out into days of hurt.

Symptom #5 : The most unspeakable of horrors - you wake up , your belly rumbles loudly enough to scare your Pit Bull , and you run to the can . You sit for what seems like days wondering what on Earth you did to deserve the howling from the deep. Welcome to the burning ring of fire known as beer shits .

Why Oh Why Is My Anus so Heinous? : It boils (:D) down to a few things , namely what you ate and what you drank. Simply , the Big D occurs when your colon has more fluid in it than it can reabsorb. Electrolytes help your bowels reabsorb water , but you were out boozing it up and peeing out those needed minerals . Also , booze is toxic to your inerds . As the booze travels through your digestive system , the cells absorb the alcohol and they get drunk , they lose their ability to function properly just as you do . As your intestines begin to become injured , more fluid flows from your abdomen to the affected cells , giving you the squirts from Hell . Even better , it dehydrates you further . Another problem with drinking in public places is that there may be various contaminants that can get into your booze adding to the hurt . Cheap draft-only bars are notorious for furthering the spread of various germs due to poorly sanitized taps and glasses , not to mention the food you might eat there. Beer has this effect for reasons of bacteria , the fact that beer does not have a high enough alcohol volume to santize anything , and sheer volume of liquid.

O.K. , Fix Me NOW , I Have To Go To Work : Firstly , do not drink draught beer from any place you do not trust - the normal beer shits will quell after a few hours , but e.Coli will cause your bum a whole pile of distress for a lot longer . Next , because booze causes funky intestinal contractions , Immodium may help while you return electrolytes to your system. Avoid coffee like the plague - it will make the shits SO much worse . If you are prone to party in the potty , you might want to avoid the taco truck outside the bar - the capsacin will make those tender tissues burn like a mofo and you really don't need any more pain. Stay away from too much fat the day of the bender as it can also mess with the intestines' ability to absorb water . If you REALLY have to get to work and are employed in a location where the gas and frequent trips to the can will be an issue and were stupid enough to get tanked the night before , I suggest an Immodium and sipping on Pedialyte. (Disclaimer: i am NOT a doctor , and in that vein I have also been told that smoking pot helps.)

  A few more words about hangovers - Natural fructose can help your body regulate sugars and burn alcohol faster . Have you ever noticed that your buddy who drinks screwdrivers seems to feel less hurt than you with your Beam and Cokes? Also , bubbly beverages speed up your body's absorption of alcohol , and the excess goes right into your bloodstream , not only making you more drunk , but more hungover. Try some tomato or orange juice before bed and when you rise . It really does help.
  Chicken soup really does work , as do miso and and brothy mixture . The reasons for this are related to replacing needed water , salt , and amino acids . B-complex vitamins are helpful because booze strips those from your tender wee brain .
  Drink clearer alcohols and try to avoid mixing drinks . It is absolutely TRUE - mixing types confuses your body and can slow down its ability to metabolize the poison.
  DO NOT take aspirin prior to drinking - EVER! Aspirin has been shown to drastically increase your blood alcohol content and slows your body's ability to remove it . Plus , it can make your stomach bleed , especially in combination with alcohol . This is according to the paid professionals at the AMA .
  I hope this has been helpful and/or entertaining , but before I go remember that moderation is always a good option and to arrange safe transport for yourself and your friends. If your friend passes out from booze , monitor them . If the person has not previously vomited , you should probably take him or her to the hospital . It's better to deal with waking up in a hospital than to never wake up.



Sunday, January 3, 2010

Just For Fun : Watch And Unlearn

  This is just pure fun and worth taking a bit out of your day to check out.
Trailer Park Boys : Countdown to Liquor Day is all of the goofy Canadian so-stupid-it's-clever joy that you would expect . This is a throwback to the kind of comedy that made a whole load of canuckleheads famous around the globe without the weird pretense of a huge budget .

Rent it and have a howl. Trust me.