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Friday, February 26, 2010

...Or is THIS Wrong?

  The Pushman for USA Bobsled #3 is Bill Schuffenhauer and he is open about having a bad lot in life . He grew up poor and his mum is a drug addict. He quit his job and left town to pursue his dream, leaving his partner to support the family, and they have publicly struggled financially. They lost their house and car.  At the last second a sponsor picked up the tab and sent his wife and kid up to Vancouver to offer support to the athlete. 
 One would think that this would produce gratitude from Bill , but the effect wasn't what one would expect. Bill Schuffenhauer was arrested for asserting some unkind authority over his wife. The RCMP plans to charge him with Assault and Uttering Death Threats. 
  The USOC is not only permitting this guy to remain on their team , but singing his praises, telling the hard-luck-life story to all who will listen. 
   I for one think this is BULLSHIT. Bill Schuffenhauer is a 220 pound man whose wife supported his selfish ass so he could play toboggan . He talks so openly about HIS sacrifices without mentioning that his wife and kid wound up in the poorhouse to do it. And then he assaults his old lady with his child present. THAT is child abuse .
  Now , the USOC sent home a snowboarder for having too much fun with his medal , but they are sticking up for this dude? The USOC rep was quoted in reference to the arrest as saying "this is the kind of thing that blows over fairly quickly".
It is NEVER okay for a man , let alone a 100-kilo athlete , to abuse a woman  It's not a "thing" , it's violence. 
Nice example assholes.

Is This Wrong?

  The Canadian Women's Hockey Team has been the subject of serious scorn from several american news outlets for having some booze and cigars on the ice following last night's game. While it MAY have shown questionable judgment , it wasn't all that different from celebrations the boys have had in the past. Hockey players like a good party and sorry NBC but our drinking age is NOT 21.
  On the other hand, it does seem pretty immature and not terribly ladylike. And that is enough to get the knickers of the Swiss bureaucrats who try to run the show into a twist. We need to be more sensitive to the sexist prats who run the deal. These girls should have KNOWN that it's okay for Jon Montgomery to chug a pitcher of beer in celebration, but not them. 

Reach out those genteel wrists for a slap. 

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Just Because ...

... there is NO WAY that Americans could get away with this .

Monday, February 22, 2010

War Of The Weenies


The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended that hot dogs and similar sausage-type foods contain a warning label. 
  One would assume that the warning would be related to the fact that the sausages can contain 90% fat or that processed meats are possibly carcinogenic , and such conclusions would be incorrect. 
  The Elk Grove-based child protection agency wants to keep kids from choking. Thusly, they want a mandated package warning and an eventual REDESIGN of the age-old picnic standby. According to the overprotective prat " The best way to protect kids is to design these risks out of existence." . 
  Now , these sausages have been around for hundreds of years and judging by the fact that Austrian kids are some of the fattest around I'm fairly certain that they have eaten their share of these things without suffering demise. There are no outcries from all of the Hungarian and German parents either. No Poles, nor Czechs, Moroccans, or Israelis. I'm curious as to what makes us so different as to attempt to mandate a change in a shape of foods. 
  What it boils down to is parental laziness. There is already a warning on many brands of sausages but parents are too busy watching General Hospital to read the package. Responsible parents do not feed an infant anything they can choke on, let alone something not designed for them. Babies should not be eating solid food anyways, and when small kids do begin eating such things we are supposed to SUPERVISE them. Every parent in my circle has at least a general idea of how to remedy choking. It is true that 3 or 4 kids a year do die from choking on the iconic food , and that is tragic , but if your chances of dying from something are one in a few BILLION I'd move on to something else . While the non-profit (your tax dollars hard at work) focusses on redesigning a wiener, there are millions of toxic lead infested toys being imported and children being abused. A person is far more likely to get food poisoning from a sausage than to meet the Big Guy due to asphyxiation caused by wolfing one down. Your kid's crib or car seat is statistically far more dangerous than ANY food item. 
  What's next? Banning pickles? Carrots? Baby Corn, Asparagus, Courgettes ? 

  Keep your kids safe. I know you will do it without the intervention of some lawyer who was too busy to watch her kid. 

The New Face of Dissent


 Glenn Beck has "made it". He has managed to morph from a Conservative fringe rant man into the next great televangelist. As promised , Beck went on a tirade this weekend , blazing his bizarre conspiracy theories to all who would listen. 
  Conservatives now proclaim Glenn Beck and his "movement" as something "ordained by G-d".
  And he fits the profile of a man within a nanosecond of a fall from his self-proclaimed grace. Note the dye job , evangelist-tint suit , and the obvious weight gain. I didn't even KNOW that it was Glenn Beck until he opened his yap and spewed his typical divisive garbage. 
  The Republican Party has become the Christian Wingnut Party. Same goes for the Libertarians. The most right-wing Jews I know are wandering away , looking for something other than this caricature of political representation. Same goes for gays,   Muslims , and every other minority. 
  Glenn Beck is the face of what is wrong with Conservative America. He hatches conspiracies, doesn't believe global warming exists, and uses the worst human tragedies to his benefit. The former Top 40 DJ is blatantly racist, sexist, and homophobic because he knows that dissent SELLS and he wants his shot at Radical Famewhore-in-Chief. After all , he makes over $20 million a year selling a working-class ideal. Even Ron Paul supporters are getting scared of the negative publicity of this idiot. 
  Like Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh before him, Glenn Beck is not afraid to dance on the dead to prove his point. Beck has blatantly used the 9-11 tragedy for fiduciary gain by selling his "9-12 Project" . And he uses the worst modern horror to his benefit. The very second someone refers to anything as the "******* Holocaust" , it essentially negates his entire argument. Nothing you have said in the preceding YEAR will be taken seriously by the wealthy people whose asses you so want to kiss. 
  Another little tidbit of advice for righties - if you want to be taken somewhat seriously, don't host an event sponsored by the John Birch Society. 
  Fiscal Conservatism has been hijacked by the morally bizarre, fame-seeking, and hate spewing. 

  Old Abe Lincoln must be spinning in his grave. 

As a little side note to Mr. Anti-Government . Your "free" library education wasn't. It was paid for by taxpayers. You really are your own worst enemy.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Blast From The Past


 Back in the day , B.F. Goodrich didn't just make tires - they also made douche bags. 

  Ladies and Gentlemen - start your engines! 

 (the fact that the nurse's name is Kissack just adds more glory to this)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I wrote a previous blog , but the powers that be wiped it out and wasted 8 hours of my time . So , in my pissed-off state I am going to attempt to convey what the original post was about.
Here she flies.

  The Westminster Dog Show recently concluded and , as usual there were protesters . People are incensed by the companion animal overpopulation and the fact that shelter dogs are frequently euthanized while breeders continue to produce litters on a mass scale. There are indeed great mutts for people to adopt , but what most do not realize is that half of all homeless animals are purebreed , which means that they originated with a breeder . People abandon their dogs when they grow too large , when the owner dies , or when the genetic mutations rooted in inbreeding come to the surface.
  People are quick to point out the puppy mills as the bad guy , and they are abhorrent , breeding animals for barbaric testing laboratories and pet stores . But they are just supplying a demand brought about by the latest winner of "best in show", a problem created by kennel clubs and their animal exhibitions. Well meaning people purchase mutants from breeders because they think that they are doing a good thing , but they are furthering an industry that abuses living , breathing , FEELING beings before they are even BORN.

  Dogs and cats are active beings who are not going to willingly pose , prance , and preen in front of 20,000 people . They want to run and play , not sit atop boxes like ornaments. Thusly , show dogs do face more conventional forms of abuse. Food and water deprivation , physical abuse and fear-mongering , and even sexual abuse of animals is commonplace. Yes , you read that correctly , sexual abuse - in order to pacify certain breeds into staying put handlers fondle their naughty bits , and do so quite noticably. After all , there are PRIZES on the line .

  Today's animals are caricatures of their formerly regal selves , being bred for useless cosmetic traits that shorten their lives to satisfy the deity complexes of prats. All purebreed dogs and cats now come from a very small pool of ancestors and are inbred to further desirable traits . Animals who do not fit the cartoonish ideal are frequently killed shortly after birth or dumped off on the street or anonymously to shelters , as is sanctioned and often promoted by all animal fancier clubs . These "aberrations" are frequently healthier and hardier than their peers , yet are discarded because of colour or dimesion by classist quazi-nazis. Those who survive and have favourable traits are generally bred with close relatives to try and mold the "perfect" creature. It is common to find 10 or more instances in which pedigrees overlap .Pet stewards often muse about "health problems" without taking a second to think about the root cause. In order to weed out common conditions , animals are being even more closely bred with their unaffected kin , resulting in homozygous recessive traits and new genetic disorders to replace the old. Some breeds have been so inbred and linebred that they now have less than 1% of the biodiversity of their fairly recent ancestors , and under such conditions , will be bred to extinction . If this were to occur in pockets of people , consitions like Cystic Fibrosis and Huntington's Chorea would affect entire groups , and man would eventually cease to exist.

  People are concerned about genetic manipulation , be it with corn , pets , or livestock . Inbreeding of livestock has become the rule , producing larger animals , better milk producers , and fancy coloured cows. Unfortunately with this come animals with weakened immune systems , painful conditions , and grossly decreased fertility . Inbred animals have horrendous rates of stillbirth and sterility. This IS what is supposed to happen when inbreeding occurs on a mass scale. In the wild , animals seldom breed with kin . Several species expel offspring from their clans before adulthood in what could be seen as nature's way of ensuring biodiversity. Much has been speculated about inbreeding in humans of higher castes. It is thought that the 18th Pharaonic Dynasty as well as others were ended simply because the gene pool became too small and they could no longer produce heirs. Conditions like Spina Bifida were rampant amongst royals who grew to be abnormally tall due to controlled breeding. King Tutankhaman was one of the last royals of the 18th and the son of relatives . In accordance with customs of the day , he was married to his sister . All of his children were stillborn , thusly there were no little Tuts to replace their genetically-flawed father.

   One would think that people who claim to be the welfarists of breeds would want to ensure a future for their animals and would actually care about cruelty , but they do not. Current standards ensure a future of abuse by their very constitutions . According to Canadian Kennel Club protocol , members are not permitted to crossbreed and are mandated to breed their dogs with very breed-typed individuals from a small pool of dogs. They are also required to instruct new owners about the "sport" of dog breeding , producing a new cycle of amateur geneticists and professional abusers. You are required to register all puppies into the fold and can be expelled for not conforming to their vain standard. This protocol is a mirror of those all over the globe. There is not a word about the perils of inbreeding - in fact the opposite is true. Kennel Clubs are now so focused on removing the "bad" traits that inbreeding is the name of the game , and when vast sums of money are up for grabs for the "best" breeders , it has become a game in which the only losers seem to be the animals . But the thing is , we all lose when this wholesale modification becomes takes over. In a few decades , cherished working and companion breeds will be eradicated unless drastic measures are taken .
  Standards must change , outbreeding must be mandated , and barbaric animal pageantry must cease . It is already too late for some . This is the end result of eugenics - the ultimate in abuse that occurs even before conception.

  This is why man is not God.

Click Here for a pedigree chart of a dog considered the standard. Breed fanciers discuss the manipulator with admiration of his "skill" at inbreeding. This dog is related in more ways than I can get my head around.  there are brother-sister matings , a grandmother on one side is the great-grandmother on the other , and there is even a grandfather-granddaughter mating. 3 of the lines decend from one dog , and said gandfather/greatgrandfather/great-great grandfather was bred with his sister . The father of the dog is also the brother of the maternal grandmother , meaning he was mated with his neice (in 2 ways) who is his step-grandmother and cousin , among other things to produce this champion . There are oodles of other circular patterns , but my brain hurts.

Here's another one of a champion stud dog who is so inbred that his pedigree chart only goes back 4 genertations

The film's entirety can be found HERE

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Olympic Fashion Victims


 This year's Olympiad has brought out the worst uniforms in eons for almost every nation - from the USA's Star-Spangled Acid Trip speedskating unis to Canada's bad quilt snowboard jackets to Kazakhstan's Baby Blue Target Practice. 
But there is nothing quite like this. This is Norway and they have a problem - argyle cotton spandex curling pants. They look like the namesakes for the future flick  A Clockwork Chessboard . I have spend the last 5 ends not only laughing like a rabid hyena , but pointing AND laughing. What's worse , the team Captain actually CHOSE these things to inflict upon his charges.

Poor bastards. 

To score your very own for $89.95 USD , check out Loudmouth Golf and you too can imitate humiliation . Loudmouth is actually PROUD of creating the "world's first argyle pants for men"

Maybe this is why Norway is having one of their shittiest Olympia in recent memory. 

No Contest

  This weekend , the best of the NBA got together for some fun . The All-Star weekend is big business and a chance for fans to interact with some of the greatest fans in sport. 
  But something was MISSING . The fan favourite known as the slam dunk contest is a mere shadow of its past . Due to a glitch in the system the only worthy man got robbed. But no offense to Demar Derozan and Nate Robinson , it sucked. These were the only 2 guys I wanted to see out of the entire field. But where were LeBron , Vince and CB4? 
When I was a kid , the stars dunked. I get that the NBA wants to "protect" its stars , but they want in and so do the fans. This year's rendition was a joke. 

Let's go back to when it was fun to watch , when the fans got VALUE for their hard-earned dollars . 

THIS is what the NBA needs to revert to. 

Crappy Birthday Kim Jong Il . Number 68 for you folks who are counting. 

  Naturally in North Korea , it is a national holiday , where the dictator gives presents to the nation's children as a break away from using them as personal slaves. The dipshit despot received endangered animals as gifts from his cronies , who were subjected to a lengthy movie about the "greatest" leader ever. 
  Rumour has it that Kim Jong Il has cancer and will likely be succeeded by his 25 year old son , ensuring a few generations of totalitarian rule. People refer to North Korea as communist , but it is loudly and proudly anything but. The Kim family hates communism just as much as capitalism - capitalism because he wouldn't have control over the money , communism because he might actually have to take care of the people. This man IS the pure essence of evil . Fuckhood Imintojihad has nothing on this dude. Like the Iranians , Kim loves the ideals of Hitler  ; unlike them , he has a position until the end of his days . Kim Jong-Il has visions of nuclear weaponry that he plans to use on the civilized , with the ideal of taking over industrialized South Korea   by force because he believes it to be the wish of the one TRUE God - his dead father . 
  The entire clan is just as delusional as their "Father of Fathers" , and while the international press may have focused energies on other things of late , Kim Jong Il is still around plotting his version of the apocalypse . 

 We in the West MUST ensure that this is the last birthday celebration for the worst humanoid alive . There are a rare few instances where I agree with the idea of forcefully removing someone from power , of forcing our wills on another nation . This is that occasion . Something has to be done about civilization's greatest threat. 

Crappy Birthday , Kim . 

A true hero is the man who puts cyanide in Kim Jong-Il's birthday cake. 

Friday, February 12, 2010

Olympic Insanity

  The Winter Olympics are here and people from places near and far are here to challenge some of the most notorious venues on the planet . The half-pipe is higher than anywhere else , the moguls are crazier , the ice for speed-skating is engineered for a record speed. Winter IS bigger in Canada than anywhere else and we really want the biggest and baddest in great white fun. 
  And today , the most dangerous sled course in the world claimed a kid's life . 

   Officials and athletes from all over have expressed serious concerns over the Whistler Sliding Centre's design since its inception .  It is the longest course with the most turns on the planet , and has a shocking 152 metre drop . It is unlike anything man had previously thought of. All of the world speed records of late have been set there and some folks want to see new extremes regardless of whether or not they violate common sense. 

  Luge is an athletic event to a degree , but mainly an exercise in physics. Almost every person who reaches 144km/h will be fired off of his or her sled. Nodar Kumaritashvili was travelling at 144.3 km/h when the predictable happened - he was fired in the opposite direction of his sled into a huge steel beam (ANOTHER excellent idea) and didn't have a prayer . He was only one of an enormous number of people who crashed during training runs . One of the better female lugers was hospitalized yesterday.  The overwhelming men's favourite crashed during his test run at the demon that competitors call the Elevator Shaft. .Even the indivudual turns are so extreme that they have ominous names related to famous racers who have crashed or the percentage of people who can make it through a turn without wiping out. 

But someone's going to break a record if they survive. It is thought that the men's course could top out at somewhere between 155 and 158 kph and the ladies could hit 150 . The IOC does not recognize such records , but the FIL does for now. The track for the NEXT Olympics will be speed-limited , which is a nice thought. Winning at sled involves managing the course , not whether or not the course itself is slightly slower. 

  But for these games , we have this demon. Canucks have a reputation for being decent people , but I think of no worse statement of sportsmanship than designing a course that few can complete. It is engineered to cause such extremes of speed and force that people have dramatically more crashes. And those "entertaining" wipeouts can kill people . Think of it as NASCAR without a rollcage and where the "body" is YOUR body. 
 This thing is a dealth trap. Not just the track , but the litany of enormous , unpadded steel I-Beams that surround the track. Who came up with that bright idea? It is a fair possibility that if the kid hadn't hit a huge chunk of metal , he might not have had all of his inerds simultaneously squashed. I hope no other parents have to see their kids come home in boxes because of this . Yesterday , athletes were complaining about how dangerous it was , some predicting fatalities. Today , their fears became reality. 
  I understand clearly that there are risks related to every sport - a high-school buddy took his last breath on Whistler's snowboard slalom - but this is ridiculous and the antithesis to what sport is about. It's injury and death by design and patently unfair. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Don't Judge The Book

This is George Parros and he is one mean guy , or at least plays one for a living. He's the Anaheim Ducks' feared 6'5" enforcer , designated to protect smaller mates and entertain the fans. He doesn't make millions like the stars do . He goes to work and beats people up , and for those who know nothing about him , George seems like a dumb barback on skates. 
But if you were right , I wouldn't be writing this. 

George Parros is not only a scrapper , but he's a very responsible player who seldom makes mistakes and is a team-first guy , a positive influence to the younger talent around him. He knows how to score goals , but that isn't his job and he knows it . He's not immature - he was the captain of his college hockey team , the school being Princeton University . That's right , this big , dumb goon has a degree in economics that he actually had to EARN. He could have had a cushy job as an executive like his pop , but he loves the game and the way he can use that to help people. 

The meanie  loves helping kids realize their dreams and if there is anything he can possibly do to help others he is first in line. He cuts his long mane once a year and donates his locks and large coin to cancer charities . Like loads of people in the spotlight , he has a clothing line . Unlike them , he doesn't bank one penny - it all goes to his favourite charities. George is always coming up with new ideas to give back because he knows how blessed he is . 

#16 is one of those athletes that still embodies the essence of professionalism. To check out what makes him tick , you can catch up with him at the LA Times website , where he frequently posts his mental nuggets. 

Class . Some guys just have it.

Great New Study Of The Week

  A recent study to be published in Pediatrics suggests something that is rather interesting. 
When parents are provided with caloric information on menus , they order takeaway meals containing considerably lower caloric contents for their kids . The meal choices made by parents given such information were more than 20% "leaner" (this IS fast crap after all) than those given identical menus minus the nutritional info. Naturally , parents' advocates cheered the idea , and corporate giants aren't digging it. Calories in fast-food meals tend to come from the cheapest sources of fat , and leaner choices from something resembling actual food so calories equal profit for those who want your kids addicted to fat. 

But have no fear corporate giants - the parents did not choose considerably leaner choices for themselves in this particular study. The difference was miniscule so mum and pop will be advertising your shittiest options to their kids so they can grow up and want that Double Heart Attack with Cheese. Cardiac surgeons will be your best mates providing "quick fixes" for the damage caused by your lardo meals at $50 000 a pop. Hey , who wouldn't want a slice of a $50 Billion-a-year pie? 
 After all , it's not like YOU are paying for it. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sweet Foodgasm Of The Day

  Every so often , everyone wants something truly indulgent . This goo will keep you coming back for more. And don't worry about feeding it to your kids with apple slices - there's no crap in it. Just good stuff. Don't worry , they'll think they are being spoiled and so will you. 
The inspiration for this comes from my grandmother and her fig pot compote. She was the eldest of a huge farm family and outlived all of her siblings . Enjoy!

Fruit Caramel in a Flash

Get out a small pot and get a half-inch of water to a rolling boil 

Add 1/4 cup sultanas 
3-5 Large Dates . Chop them wee
The juice of an orange as well as 1/2 of its rind (very finely chopped) . If you like a marmalade , add the flesh of the orange as well. 

The aromatics
1/4 tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice 
1/4 tsp Vanilla Extract
1/2 tsp Cinnamon or drop a cinnamon stick into the pot
3 Tablespoons Demerrara or any other Very Dark Sugar 

Boil for 10 minutes . You may need to add a bit of water or orange juice. Stir frequently and do not allow to scorch. Reduce to minimum for about 10 minutes until it reaches your preferred consistency. 
If you want to pour it over oatmeal , leave it runny . 
For grown-ups , try it with some crusty bread and your favourite spread. Brie is the classic , but feel free to branch out. Ooooh! Scones! 
Recipe can be multiplied like foodgasms. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Greatest Miss

  Most of my readers don't give a rat's ass about Canada , much less Canadian music , so if you are one of those  roll on to another post. 
  This post is about a major snafu related to one of the greatest bands to come out of your northern neighbour. If you know anything about classic rock you have heard of April Wine . After all , they have been around for 40 years , released more than 20 albums , sold tens of millions of records , and continue to rock out. They have had 21 top 40 hits and played with the Stones. Even Britney Spears has benefitted from AW's musical experiments . (Google "If You See Kay") International audiences have mad love for these boys , but they seem to not get accolades at home . 
  They are not represented on the Canadian Walk of Fame and it was only yesterday that it was announced that they would FINALLY be getting their spot in The Canadian Music Hall of Fame. While there are few members of the very exclusive Hall , bands like Loverboy and The Tragically Hip are in before April Wine. I'm confused here. Even Triumph was honoured prior to the band that made so many acts possible. 
  Yes , Myles Goodwin has something of a "reputation" (which is utter B.S. , by the way) but you cannot deny talent. I suppose it's better late than never. 
  As for the Walk of Fame , I'd consider the absence a slap in the yap. I mean such luminaries as Brendan Fraser , Kim Cattrall , Nickelback , and DSquared are on there . So are Frances Bay and Pamela Anderson.  
  So , to the powers that be , I'd like to nominate an overlooked ubergroup and the coolest babysitters ever. 

 To Peter Soumalias and Bill Ballard , I'll take a que from the band in question - Enough Is Enough. 

Hide The Banana?

  Most of us try to do things a little bit healthier than we did when we were teenagers , so it's inevitable that we will buy a can of that super-fortified protein powder stuff. After all , it has more vitamins and minerals than Centrum and according to the can , it tastes like chocolate. The problem is that the stuff tastes like CRAP . So what do you do if you are stuck with a can of this shit and don't want to waste it? My solution is to hide it in a dessert. 

You read that correctly . DESSERT. Something yummy. Something good for you. Again , YUMMY. 

Get out that Magic Bullet blender you bought from the infomercial during that particularly heinous bout of insomnia . 

Blend 1 very ripe (or semi-thawed from frozen) banana
Add 2 portions (300g total) Banana or plain dessert tofu
Fire in 2 scoops of the dreaded chocolate chalk along with 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves and 1 tablespoon sugar 
Blend well . Put in ice cream maker , sorbetiere , or tin and tada! dessert. 

For some extra sin add a couple tablespoons of softened peanut butter and as many dark chocolate chunks as you can handle  halfway through the freezing process . 

This sounds weird , but it's amazing . Besides , it's no stranger than the mammary secretions of a 500 kilo animal. 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Scent Of A Woman?

  For those of you who thought the nutsack deodorant was a niche product , the creators of Vulva Original have raised you a few hundred. .
  According to the dudes ( Vulva is the female version of "moist" , a chick would NEVER use the word) who came ( :D) up with the concoction , "Vulva Original is NOT a perfume . It is the feminine , erotic , intimate scent for your smelling pleasure. " 
The idea is that you put the stuff on the back of your hand and fantasize while you inhale the Eau De Vijay.  I'm guessing that it would give smell-o-vision to Swedish porn or Top Chef . 
  The manufacturers claim that their precious substance is organic in nature , and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know the ingredients. But , seriously whose vagine is this based on? It's not mine nor my girlfriend's (right , honey?) . I'd HOWL if it was the inventor's mum . 
  When I think of someone who would purchase it , I envision the creepy guy on the subway who always tries to rub his bone against someone or a dude who plays World of Warcraft for 14 hours a day . (Usually one and the same) Might be because the music on the website reminds me of Doctor Who , but porn. 
  For finding yet another way for single men to waste their money on being creepy , Vulva Original gets 4 1/2 awkward erections out of 5 . 

To score your own for around 25 Euro , go to

I ripped the video from FoD , but it is a very REAL product. 

Just In Time For The Big Game


  You are not imagining this  - this is a motorized beer cooler for lazy tailgaters and NASCAR fans who want to get to the head of the line fast. It's called the Cruzin Cooler because its inventor was too drunk to spell the name properly. It comes in gas or electric and tops out around 28 MPH and runs between $300 and $2000 depending on how much booze you want to pack. It is a legal ride in the majority of states as long as you wear a helmet , which none of the people in the ads are doing. Sounds pretty fun right?

  But I'm a little confused . The dude on Daily Planet said he wanted to make sure that his creation could hold 24 beers plus ice ensuring a good party. But wait a minute! It is a MOTORIZED vehicle . After consuming no more than 1/6 of the cooler's capacity even a big fesser would be legally impaired and DUI is illegal in all 50 states .(and the DofC place that everyone think is part of Maryland) A dude was recently nailed for DUI on a motorized Lazy Boy chair so I'm wondering if anyone has been arrested for Impaired Operation of a Cooler. 
  I KNOW there's nothing avant-garde about drunk driving , but could you imagine phoning your old lady from the Cop Shop after getting busted on one of these contraptions? 

This makes me wish I was a cop in South Carolina . I'd love to bust one of these ridiculous dudes. So , readers in law enforcement (I know there are a ton of you) - if you arrest someone for this , can you PLEASE  email the mugshots? 

  And kids , don't drink and drive. Especially on a camping accessory. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The War Over Vaccines


 I have numerous friends who were apprehensive about vaccinating their children because of a theory that they caused autism. It was all based in a theory hatched by Dr. Andrew Wakefield's study centering on a mere 12 children with mental regressions . Dr. Wakefield claimed that the MMR vaccine caused an "autism-like disorder" .  Naturally , because people really wanted to believe the link , scores of concerned parents stopped vaccinating their kids . 

And they were told a dangerous LIE.

  As it turns out , Dr. Wakefield was a con man with a degree. His "research" was paid for by hungry ambulance-chasers hoping to sue the manufacturers of the MMR vaccine . In addition , he tried to discredit a rival's vaccine because he wanted to sell his own . He was even cited for performing invasive medical procedures on wee kids who did not need them , for using somebody's babies as the  proverbial guinea pigs. Thusly , The Lancet has done something rare - publicly retracting a research paper . 

   The bad doctor's paper did not have harmless results , however . Hordes of justifiably terrified parents stopped getting the shots for their kids , and not just the MMR vaccine , but ALL preventative injections. Rates of severe measles amongst children have skyrocketed in many industrialized nations . And children have DIED as a result. But no change in the rate of autism. Americans jumped on the theory claiming it was the preservative used in the vaccine and had it removed with no change whatsoever. Millions were spent disproving Dr. Wakefield's theory , and then the preservative theory , so anti-vaccine groups keep hatching new ones and telling people not to vaccinate their kids. And it is killing children . 

  Here are the FACTS . NO vaccine has EVER been definitively linked to autism. Autism has been diagnosed more often in recent decades because people recognize its symptoms . Even more types of the condition have been invented - so many in fact that I could have such a diagnosis . For the flu vaccine 1 in 100 00 people have a severe side effect , which pales in comparison to the fact that 1 in 20 who get the flu get severely ill . For the common DaTP vaccine , the risk of a serious reaction is one in a million . Diptheria, tetanus , and pertussis can all kill your kid. Less than 1 in one million people have an allergic reaction to the MMR vaccine. Children with severely compromised immune systems can have severe reactions to the Smallpox vaccine , and even those instances are rare. Smallpox WILL kill any child with an immune-suppressing condition . 

  We need to stop wasting increasingly scarce research dollars trying to disprove hairbrained theories posed by quacks and find out the ways to treat the conditions and help our youngest citizens live fuller lives. These theories were hatched over 200 years ago by religious zealots and is repeated today with the same disastrous results. When the Swedes stopped vaccinating for pertussis , over 60% of children contracted the terrifying condition. Some parents think they are doing the right thing by not getting the routine things done for their kids , but they are not. Vaccines are the reason why kids don't die as often as they did in days of yore , and to deprive your child of a distinct advantage on the word of a discredited quack is irrational . Children do get sick and do suffer , and it is horrifying when it happens. We want someone to blame , but sometimes there just isn't . Don't let the war over vaccines claim your child as a casualty.

Hug your kids.

This Is Why...

...Cats rule . 

Mr. Bear figured he was gonna score an easy snack from a garbage can that was a little too close to a litter of kittens. 
Mama Kitty wasn't feeling it .

Kids , call your mum and thank her , because she would do the same thing in a heartbeat.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Intervention Time

 Giorgio Armani has come up with some pretty awesome designs over the course of his career , for the most part they rock. I have been lucky enough to own some of his fine work over the years , but NONE of it looks like the multiple tragedies worn by The Human Mannequin last night. Somebody obviously forgot his Geritol . 

Nightmare #1 : Gumby's Vagina exactly what this travesty brings to mind. Upon examination , Gumby's Vagina doesn't do a very good job of covering Gaga's . Ladies , you NEVER want your vijay to resemble a hairless Dromedary.  Old Gio obviously didn't measure the immense space betwixt this woman's legs . She has a frontal wedgie. If she didn't wax she would have been arrested . There is NOTHING decent about this exposure. 

Outfit #2 : Lost In Space

This is about the best looking of Gaga's ensembles from the evening . She's actually a pretty girl when she doesn't have 6 rolls of Saran Wrap glued to her dome. The lack of a weird hat is what MAKES this because the rest is terrible. The thing in her right hand looks like a shish kebab rack for a tailgate-BQ . At least she has the other paw up to protect photogs from being impaled on her . I hope the person sitting next to her looked before they lounged.

Outfit #3 : Alien Icicle 

  Gaga is one pissed off looking space creature here. She kind of looks like an ice sculpture that has been demonically possessed . Or a figure skater with a PCP addiction. you decide. Even the people around her cannot keep a straight face . Could you imagine being the folks behind her? The dude in the circus monkey outfit looks terrified for his eyes. If I ever wind up at an event that Gaga is at , a fencing mask best be in my rider. 

  Alas , Lady (?) Gaga and Geriatric Gio got EXACTLY what they wanted - everyone is talking about them . The thing is , not all attention really is good publicity. Giorgio Armani allowed Gaga to humiliate him and make a mockery of his very valuable brand. He either needs to learn to say NO or hang up the shears for good. Talent does not give you license to hijack an awards show that was SUPPOSED to be dedicated to honouring real legends and helping the people of Haiti . You BOTH have enough fame. Step aside for once. 

Celebrate Something

  Tila Tequila has decided that she is too good for Twitter and has exited. I wasn't paying attention closely as I do have a life , but it was some time between the most bizarre tweet ever and me logging in this afternoon.  Anywho , last night I read something that was on my TweetDeck at a fairly random time (OK , I was sending a cheesy-ass message to my girl . Shhhh.....) and out plops this weird one : 

"I am the Virgin Mary , and my child will be born Jesus Christ. I am the Second coming ...God told me so." 

Because I actually check into what I put in my blog , I found out that that cracky message was her last before the POOF! stunt. I can only PRAY that her Twitter went  kablooie because some management/interventionist type told her to stop being a wingnut. Hopefully , somebody gets this HO into some sort of stable mental health facility. Alternately , maybe G-d itself was so offended that it shut the bitch. 

Either way , I'm just glad to see that my timeline won't be filled with my sadistic friends' retweets of this "woman"'s weirdness. 

Good riddance , dipshit.

Great New Product

  OK , when I saw this ad I thought it was satire. 

  To be honest , I don't spend very much time thinking about the nutsack. I didn't even know that it was capable of sweating. 

  But "Fresh Balls" is a very REAL antiperspirant/antibacterial cream for the acorns. And I want one of you dudes to try it , just for a giggle. 

Or at least watch the infomercial and laugh your balls off.