Great New Product

Animal lovers, set your eyes on this fantastic waste of your money.



The Thundershirt, sure to keep your freaked-out furbag from getting depressed when you leave him alone for a whole day without letting him pee. And it is bullshit.

It's a dog shirt, and an ugly one at that. If involuntary wearing of a shirt did anything to alleviate anything, 95% of Chihuahuas in Los Angeles wouldn't vibrate like they're palsied.

My cat is a typical awesomely entitled furry little fucker. He hates the vacuum, leaf blowers, and anything else that sounds like work. He is a man of leisure who knows his place as king of the castle. Now what, oh what, does Mr. Doda do when some offensive sound pollutes his precious and serene aural spectre? He gets up and moves. The laziest companion animal this side of Morris The Cat gets up and moves to a place free of the offending noise. This solution not only works for him, but also myself, because if I tried to put a fucking shirt on him, he'd claw my bloody eyes out. The cat would be 100% justified in doing so because he's an animal with an independent thought process, and guess what, people? So are dogs.

Also, did you notice that one of these trolls mentioned that her dog and others don't need to be medicated anymore? Dogs need to have their fight or flight instinct well intact. It's what keeps them from becoming a coyote's lunch or a tomcat's bitch. A Rottweiler is supposed to be really fucking annoyed if you stick it in a cage for the 12 hours you spend at work. It's also supposed to bark if there is a threat or one of the cows gets out of order. It certainly doesn't need Paxil or Valium or whatfuckingever. If you wouldn't medicate your kid...oh neverfuckingmind, if you would buy this, you probably do already.

Whether it's Prozac, evil shock collars, or the false hope that the Thundershirt provides, it boils down to a few things- things that are wrong with humans and not dogs. Humans are lazy and self-centered. We want to have a pet when we want him. The "perfect" dog must be quiet when we demand, tolerate solitary confinement for long periods, be terrorized by bratty kids without reaction, able to resist the temptation of delicious-smelling sneakers, and able to withstand any manner of psychological abuse without exhibiting any sign of distress. We reduce social, proud beings to vacant objects and bitch and scream when they show any sign of objection to forced servitude.

Companion animals do try to communicate with us. They struggle when we try to doll them up and become depressed when we lock them up. We deny them everything that is natural to them and yet, they will die for us. We take their loyalty and trust as signs of dependence and weakness when we'd give a man a medal for holding the same values. We learned this week what exactly can happen when a man sees himself as superior to the beasts. Almost 50 of the Earth's finest creatures lost their lives because one man decided for himself that he could have domain over scores of animals that would never naturally encounter each other. It was an extreme example of what millions of us try to do on a daily basis.

We need to stop trying to invent new ways to control animals and learn to coexist with them. We should be honoured that they meet us at the door and care enough about us to bark at the bear in the backyard. Bingo will go mano-a-mano with a Grizzly to ensure your safety and certainly doesn't deserve humiliation as a reward for his brave service.

My cat just brought in a snake, and I'm not going to give him shit for it, nor force him to wear a straightjacket. Why? Because he's not a fucking doll.