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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Open Forum: Dealing With Sexually Aggressive People

TW: harassment, shit my sister shouldn't read

When you've been single as long as I've been, the whole dating thing is a mystery.  However, lately, I've been getting a lot of attention from a multitude of genders. Now, I'm not exactly used to being frequently hit on, so it is kind of freaky. For the first while, it was all good, but now it's the precursor to a serious panic attack. Regular readers know that I'm not dating anybody or sleeping with too many different people, so I must be turning folks down. And this is where the problems begin.

If you've known someone for awhile, there may be an attraction. Sometimes the while consists of 3 beers, sometimes a year or so. But sometimes (okay, most times), there is just something about the person that doesn't do it for me sexually. Sure he/she/they could be my friend, and we may even become really good friends. Most folks laugh it off when I turn them down, a lot of cisguys act like it was a joke, and we move on.

But what happens if the human doesn't get the point?

Sometimes this occurs and most of the time the person will require being told more than once, but will eventually understand that it ain't gonna happen and you're all good. But when the person persists, there can be a serious problem. Sometimes someone you've passed on continues to be not only flirtatious, but sexually aggressive. While I've had insane-ass stalker people, who I'm writing about today comes short of being a criminal.

There's this woman who lives nearby who is a really decent person, for the most part. She cooks for people and hangs out and she's a fun person to smoke a joint with. So, all is wonderful, except for the fact that I just don't dig her that way.

But she really, really likes me and wants to have sex with me.

Lately, this person has been hitting on me strong. She discusses her level of horniness and the fact her pot's been down her bra. She tries to guilt me into sex and says she is going to get me drunk so I'll hook up with her. She doesn't want a boyfriend or anything, just a breathing masturbatory device like the guy upstairs who she would have made sleep with her had he not been sleeping. This really sounds like a whiny mancomplaint, but when woman X gets too big of a hard-on for me, I have a massive anxiety attack. I have to leave the room as soon as possible before she frots me or something.

 Today, she was in full pervert mode and made me feel so uncomfortable that I barely said a word. She uttered all of the above things and more before I quietly left. And that's what I always do- I separate myself from the individual and gradually distance myself socially until the unwanted affection ceases. It may seem wimpy, but it's nonconfrontational and has worked for me thus far. But with this mama lies a fear that if I don't put out, she will get extremely upset with me. I won't do it; in fact I'll be more likely to be further repelled in my mind, but I am still not good at defending myself from overtly suggestive women, and humans in general.

So, here's where I need you, my readers. How do you turn someone down without hurting his or her feelings and remain friends? Is this even possible; will there always be sexual tension? Am I being a wimp by weaseling out of parties where she may be, and if so what do I say or do to better handle this and similar situations?

Throw your two cents in below.


  1. I honestly think that there is no decent way to turn someone down without hurting his/her feelings. But this case is getting more serious than expected. I still think that you need to talk it out with her. Perhaps you can throw in casually how you see her as a cool person to hang out with, but not sexually.

    I don't think you are a wimp for avoiding events in which she may be there. I'd do that too, if there is a guy acting like the way she is. Maybe some distance will do good for her.

    Good luck.

  2. I would think this should be easier then telling someone you don't have 'romantic' feelings. But if they are THAT aggressive about a sexual encounter- I am thinking you most likely can't reason with them.
    In which case avoidance is not wimpy but a rather intelligent tactic!

    I would go with the 'listen lady - you made it on the friend list which means you are 100% exempt from the fool around list and yes, I am a bit old fashion I don't mess around with friends. So let’s stay friends and forgo the flirting.'

    If she refuses - you need to scratch her off all your lists :P

  3. Once a person is attracted to another, there's really no going back. She will keep trying until you make it clear that she needs to stop. It's going to hurt her feelings but people, especially good people, are too afraid to hurt someone's feelings even though sometimes it's the right thing to do. It's possible you can still remain friends but just remember that as long as you do stay friends, no matter how clear you make it, she will always think there is a chance. And there could even be, one day. Sometimes people get lonely, have a few drinks and before you know it, well, you know. Anyway that's my 3 cents. The point is, be honest and if she doesn't like it she can go fuck herself.


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