On A Funny Note

Bobby Bottleservice talks to all the sexy internet ladies - watch more funny videos

Everyone has met a dude like this guy - it is the doucheboy for this microcosm ! He hangs out in places on bottleservice because he really doesn't know ANYBODY and has to buy his way in . He wears top-to-foot Ed Hardy acidhead and is often seen plying his trade on WooMe where he can find stables of 15 year-olds who will think he's coolness incarnate .
I seriously hope a few Party Hardy dingos watch this and have some sort of epiphany - I mean it's not likely , but stranger things have happened .
Either way , this cat captures the stupidity in it's perfectly hilarious glory .
thanks to Funny or Die .

Because I'm an asshole ....

..This is the brisket result . I finished it in a pan for luscious caramelization and used a red wine reduction ...

Everyone has the chance to make one before sundown , so don't walk , RUN to your nearest meatmonger for something meaningful .

Sorry JJ

Soup Chronicles : The No-Waste Best Corned Brisket EVER

Now many of you kids are aware of the fact that I am a vegetarian , but there are few foods as evocative of wonderful childhood memories quite like the perfection that is the KING of carnivore cuisine for the masses - the corned brisket , and I'm making one in honour of my dear friend Gordon Schellenberg's 36th birthday that is sure to delight Gordo and his legion of Bocce buffs . Try this out , it is GUARANTEED to make an impression .. and here's how :

Firstly , dice up Walla Walla onion , a stalk of celery , a carrot , and half a head of garlic and fry in a wee bit of olive oil in a large pot until they happlily glisten in the light like an old grandmother's smile .
Pour a couple of litres of water (or half a gallon , for you lazy Amerks ) into the pot - stand back - it might bite you with the oil-vs-water action , and patiently wait for 5 minutes while this goes happy at high heat .
Then we have Mr. Brisket . O.K. , kids , many many recipes state to remove this handsome fruit of the Gods from the bag . DO NOT DO THIS!!! Instead , perforate the bag roughly a million times on the top side with a fork . Gently place Briskie into the pot of boiling mirepoix and boil it for a good 20 minutes or so . Don't freak out if you go outside for a smoke and forget about it for a while , just reduce your overall cooking time . Then reduce the heat and simmer for approximately 2 1/2 to 3 hours based on a 900 gram (2 pound ) roast .

Be patient - go grocery shopping , play with your dog , choke your chicken , but LEAVE IT ALONE!! You could even write a blog detailing your experiences with the glorious beef while reminiscing about your grandmother and feeling blessed to be able to use her knowledge to bring Brisket Extraordinaire to the masses .

My mum's mum was a passionate and able lady who wasted little that she had and had a beautiful bright mind until the last moment I saw her alive . She had a difficult but gratifying life and could fix almost anything and cook - oh , she was without equal . Possibly the most supreme compliment I have ever received is when she proclaimed me to be her equal and possibly superior in the kitchen , but the truth is , if not for her , I would have NEVER mastered bagels , chili sauce , roast turkey , or the million uses for chick peas . She was truly one of a kind , not just in my eyes , but in the minds of everyone she met . One could be a homeless alcoholic and she would invite you in for a hot meal - everyone was treated as a guest of the highest regard in my grandmother's home . Hundreds if not thousands of down-on-their luck folks found hope and understanding via a few hours in Granny Annie's kitchen . If I become a fraction as remarkable as this phenomenal being i will be a success. ....but back to the brisket...

After patiently awaiting the sumptuous beast , carefully open the bag and deposit any stray pieces , liquid , and fat back into the stock pot and bring it to a ferocious boil . Take the brisket and lovingly douse it with pepper and a bit of soy and brown sugar as well as paprika and place it in the oven for about 15 minutes until it becomes a glorious brown . Thickly slice said beast and serve with some fragrant rice , nugget potatoes and any other sides you can come up with . SUCCESS! You have mastered the greatest crowd pleaser known to man!
But we don't waste a thing around here , so turn your attention to the stock pot .
After you have reduced the quantity to half , reserve the stock for later and add any remains of the brisket and some spuds or barley and corn and you will have the most delicious bowl of warmth possible - so fantastic , in fact , that you can enjoy it on even the hottest of days and you will be the hero of your family for the current generation .

We can all honour our past by remembering those who have shaped our lives and it is imperative to do so . We need to instill our culinary traditions into this fast-food society lest an imporatant part of history be lost forever.

Have a great day!

Thank God...

.... for the existence of beautiful specimens of humanity such as Brad Blauser . This gentleman lives and works in Iraq and while working as a contractor discovered that there were a litany of forgotten children , often relegated to dark rooms in family homes when their agricultural-class parents couldn't carry them from place to place . This struck this kind man to the core and he petitioned friends abroad to donate children's wheelchairs , and Iraqi Cops were delighted to get the chairs to the neediest , often risking their own lives to do so . Last year , Mr. Blauser quit his job but remained in Iraq distributing hundreds of wheelchairs that adjust as kids grow , giving hope and independence to wonderful children and their loving families . For most of these angels , they will have their first opportunities at socialization , education , and medical care and their families will have relief and their gratitude is infectious.
Today , do something to change the day or life of another for the better . One person really can affect the existence of a life. Follow the lead of inspiring humans like Brad Blauser and go out and make a difference .

This is why....

...In all of her hypocrisy , I still love Joan Rivers !!!
Watch 76 year-old tough bitch from hell lay the smackdown on this twit from Comedy Central .
The Gem's "and you shut up too , you big dyke" and when she BITES the dude's leg!!!

This is awesome!

Cool Kid

This microdude is 5 years old . While he might not know much about the Big House , he does rip Folsom Prison Blues pretty nicely .
Somebody buy this kid a real guitar NOW!

Scumbag of 4 Lifetimes

This repulsive stain on humanity is Banita Jacks , and she is going to jail , hopefully forever . This twat starved and beat her kids , not for a man , but simply due to the fact that she is a selfish psychopath . She starved and stabbed on of her kids to death and strangled her three younger angels and then she lived in the same house with their decomposing bodies for SEVEN MONTHS with zero remorse whatsoever . When she was arrested , she was concerned that she "might get in trouble" .

Some people are truly wasting the skin they are in , and Ms. Jacks is one of those and I believe she deserves the worst treatment for the remainder of her days , but I do have one question - Where might one find the dad(s) of these kids? Why didn't SOMEONE notice that all of these children disappeared ? Was there no grandparent , auntie , teacher or neighbour who cared about the existence of these 4 young lives ?
If anybody knew about this - the beatings , starvation , or murders - they deserve to sit in a dank cell for a very LONG time .
Hopefully , these beautiful babies are in a better place .It is horrifying that their times on Earth were so awful . Rest peacefully with the angels .

My original embed was deleted so I'm including a pre-conviction video now.