Classic Rewind : Let's Make America A Christian Nation

What if the USA really was REALLY a Christian nation?
What would that mean?
What would this country become if it was?

Well first of all if The USA was a Christian nation things would REALLY HAVE TO change.
The first thing we would have to do is change the Constitution! To remove the separation of church and state clause. If the USA were a Christian nation then why would there be a NEED FOR a separation of the church and the state?
Then I can see few more changes. To be a Citizen of the USA you would have to be a Christian because if the USA is a Christian nation every American would and should have to be a Christian.

The motto would obviously have to change then too because “in God we trust” is not correct -- it would have to be “in Jesus Christ we trust.” This is obvious because Christians believe in Jesus Christ not just God.

No one could or should be allowed immigrate to the USA unless they are a Christian.
This is plain to see too - a Christian nation would  have only Christian immigrants .

Only Christians can work for the US Government. The US is a Christian nation and only Christians are real Americans so only American Christians should be allowed to work for the US Government.

Same for the military and get them women out of the military. they should not be in there in the first place.

English would be the official language of the USA and all of its Christians.
Because the King James Holy bible is written in English so that must be right.

We should expel all non -Christians.
We might make allowances for Jews because they were God's Chosen ones before, but not any more . Make it the "Don't ask , don't tell" kinda deal.

Muslims
Hindus
Bahais
jains
Hari Krisnas
Buddhists
Sufis
daoists
confucionist
pagans ... all the rest, you know em.

they are not a REAL believers in the REAL God, so out they must go.

Lets talk about Catholics now.
Everyone knows that the Catholic Church is referred to in Revelations as the Great Whore.
So they should go to.

Lets talk about Jehovah Witnesses everyone knows they are not real Christians either. They believe only like 100,000 people are going to God . This is retarded - God is limitless.

Lets talk about Mormons they are not really Christians either. Remember the false prophets thing?

What about Episcopalians? They are really just British Catholics.

I think that maybe the Southern Baptists are OK and but what about the Northern Baptists? We gotta watch em . They hang with Negroes.

The Charismatic Christians and Pentecostal Christian churches are ALL OK.
Well maybe the snake charming Pentecostals are iffy. We all know that the snake is Satan , so we gotta watch em.

Think of the great things Christianity can do if the USA were really a Christians nation.

Make all public schools truly Christian church schools because after all, all Americans are Christians.

Remove all Non - Christian literature from all libraries.
Heck only the Bible and Christian books about the bible should be allowed in a real Christian nation's libraries.
Remove all non-Christian TV programing.
Why, we could make the 700 club the new public TV station.
Make Hollywood into the new JesusChristwood.
Burn all those old movies and TV copies. they are all unchristian anyway. If it ain't Christian it ain't any good for us Americans.

Make it illegal for all women to work outside the home - barefoot and pregnant is what God intended for them after all.
Make it illegal for all women to go to school. what do they need a education for? They need to cook and sew and maybe milk the cows and work the farms but not much else.
Make it illegal for all women to vote, the men know whats best and are the head of the households anyway.
f the woman can't drive then they cant go out and get into trouble and it would be easier to keep them home anyway, since that is where they belong.

Make women cover up! Modesty is what god wanted from woman anyway.
Maybe even birkas.. maybe them Muslim men do know a something about how to make women modest and docile.

Lets talk about the gays, lesbians, bi-sexual, trans-sexuals .
Lets get rid of them too they ain't real Americans/Christians anyway. Make us god-fearing people wanna puke

You know all those Mexicans are Catholics so kick them out too
all them native Americans are pagans also so out they go

The Chinese and Japanese are too
....The viet namies too
....The Koreans
.....hell all the Asians out they go!
They are not the real American Christians anyway.

Now we are getting somewhere!

How about the Negros.
They are not the real white Americans Christians either.
Mexican, blacks (colored?), Asians.... now we are really getting this place cleaned up and made into a real Christian USA.

those Irish are either Catholics or Episcopalians so lets get them out too
what about the Italians they are Catholics too damm them.
The Turks are eastern Catholics let's get them out too

the Russians are too and if they are not , they are commies and a commie don't got no god.
And all their eastern block neighbors too damm them!
Yeah no commies at ALL so get the Cubans out.

Heck the Argentinians too.
Those Brazilians are godless people too.
They are either Catholics or pagans damm it.
Kick them out too.

Hell all them damm foreigners are dangerous to the USA so lets kick em all out
and the damm UN too.
The hell with NATO, screw them Europeans.

Hell all them democrats ain't Christians either, they are pinko commies and anti Christians so lets kick them out too
The dammed abortion lovers, kickem out. The doctor men are murderers so off to the gas chamber for them godless beasts.
the divorced people too they ain't real Christians.

You know shipping them overseas would be expensive and so very wasteful and a wrong use of god's money so just kill em all! they are all going to hell anyway so let's just speed em along their way.

git'er dun.

Now we are really getting somewhere.

Praise the Lord.

Hell lets just Nuke em all and let God sort em out.
Maybe them KKK, and the Nazis were right all along.
We need to Make this a real white American Christian nation.

Yes praise the lord.
And may Jesus come back soon.
Hell he might just land here instead of Israel if we CAN GET ALL OF THIS DONE IN HIS NAME.

Halleluiah, thank you JESUS.

I can feel the holy spirit moving in my veins right now!

Think of what we could do!

This is satire and  several edits were made last year, with the latest revision in October 2009. Copyright ME, mothafucka.

Your Representative From California Would Like To Beak Up

  For those of you who don't read 536457652 newspapers today, check this out:

  A naturally pair-bonded Condor couple welcomed the first of hopefully a few little ones into the fold. For the first time since great-granny's time, a chick was born alive at Pinnacles National Monument Park. The pair had lost their first wee one and hatched an egg for a captive pair. These birds mate for life and have adopted their new one as any produced via their own DNA. Barring poaching, this new one will soar on his own in about a year under the close eye of mum and pop.

  This is an example of how we can enable a hardy animal a new opportunity at life. Poachers have reduced this magnificent beast to a few, but with a hand up their numbers have increased and they have managed to avoid extinction. They are a living dionasaur that can again soar like no other avian creature of our modern era. They can travel at speeds only found on highways and at heights acheived by passenger aircraft. The Condor is a scavenging vulture yet gentle enough that people of the past kept them as pets. This is an almost mythical creature and one I am glad we have preserved.
  This magnificent specimen of traits led to their being revered . The creature of luck was placed in graves of Aboriginals and feared by the white man. Native tribes killed them for their valuable corpses and ranchers because they feared curses or myths of pack predation. We have nearly destroyed the only ancestor we have that can survive inbreeding, glacial eras, and organized religion whilst gracefully going about a very social way of life. They have espoused and inspired many of the ideals we hold true and used to outlive us. They were human before we were and I am thrilled that we have given them the opportunity to teach us while they live and love and clean up carcasses.

We CAN own and atone. The Condor is more than happy to forgive us and we should be so lucky.

Heart

 For some reason the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team has had a tradition for amazing players who are also awesome people. Those of you who have been with me over the years have heard of guys like Gary Roberts, Rod Brind'Amour, and Scott Walker. I've only been to North Carolina once, but there is just SOMETHING about this team. A lot of guys get their just desserts by playing for this percolator of redemption. If the best revenge is living well, then throwaways like Sergei Samsonov and Jussi Jokinen are proving that sometimes a guy just needs his chance to shine. They aren't going to play for the ultimate prize this year, but they've earned a fan in me.

  Tonight I had the privilege of witnessing a new reason why anyone who digs pro sport should take a look at these boys in the future. Casey Borer is an unknown kid from Minnesota who played his first game of the season with the big boys, and he is EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
  Casey was called up as an emergency replacement and didn't score a point or beat anyone up, but he is amazing. You see, this nondescript defensive-minded guy is a SURVIVOR. 14 months ago this kid broke his neck in a team bus accident while a member of the Albany River Rats minor pro squad. His season was ended and he could have easily been paralyzed or killed. Certainly, not too many guys return to playing pro hockey after such and injury, and in the vein of the aforementioned Gary Roberts , he did.
But that isn't all. This horrific injury was sustained a mere 10 months after he destroyed his right knee and had major reconstructive surgery.
Casey Borer is a 24 year old kid who took the hard path to his success. He was eschewed by major junior teams and played college hockey in a way that few guys play anymore - team FIRST. He's a defensive d-man who doesn't get the headlines and makes roughly what an accountant does, but he loves the intellectual part of the game and to prove people wrong. He's one of roughly 900 guys to don the blades of an NHL team this year, but he is one of a kind.

  Number 53 is proof that determination can realize dreams. Even if he never plays another game in the bigs, he has made his mark by living the example and is a true reason why we should never give up the good fight. My nominee for the Bill Masterton Memorial Award is Casey Borer of the Carolina Hurricanes and now you all know why. Hopefully we all get to see you shutting them down for the next decade.

Twitascope : The half-moon in your kitchen belongs to a Taurus named Jim. He is your plumber and you should probably pay him before he gives you a rising sign.

The Voice : Happy Birthday Mothafucka

 

 It is my homie Jay's birthday and it's time for some lovin shame.

  Seriously, Jay you indeed rock. Not because you nailed the Canuck charts with your tunage, but because you are my FRIEND. Your heart and diplomacy have taught me large. You have stuck it out without putting anyone down and now are back at not only your rockin art, but your art at humanity. You are self-depricating and fun, flawed and perfect, cheesy and rebel, you are the one and only YOU. You have brought me closer to the "nice guy" under my jaded shell and introduced me to positive folks and those in need. You shine the light when there is dark and offer a swift ass-kicking if a head gets too large. 

  And you are now, OFFICIALLY an old motherfucker. 

Welcome your ass up to $400 a week Ferrari rentals and $100 a night hotels. YOU have arrived homie. You'll get 10% off Centrum Silver at WalMart and free delivery of adult diapers. Your tinier portions are now "senior" and cost $5.99. 

Welcome to being a wicked-ass old fart with a new record coming out.

55 is the new 35 bro.

Happy Birthday!

I love you man.

The Cialis and Viagra are in the mail. Wasn't sure what you'd prefer so I sent both.

Check Jay and his batch of awesome old fuckers HERE . Maybe even buy some shit so they don't need Medicare.

It's Time to Celebrate

  Virginia Governor McDonnell has declared April as "Confederate History Month" for the first time in 8 years, joining such enlightened states such as Georgia in celebrating the Dixie era. Bob McDonnell figures that his state should celebrate the brave fight for southern independence as if they actually won the Civil War. 

  What wonderful and rich history is this dingo talking about? The fight against human rights? Treason? Vast wealth attained through the subjugation of another? 

   It comes as no surprise to me that increasing numbers of these declarations are made with a black man as head of state. This is absolute pandering to people who long for the wealthy days of their great-grandfathers and a slap in the face of decent folk. It is an intentional reminder to blacks of their inferiority to their "owners", in case this whole Obama business has made them forget. 

  Nobody sane celebrates a treasonous attack against a country they now claim to be part of. (The "War of Northern Aggression" was actually started by the Confederates when they attacked Sumter) Their officers swore an oath the the United States and then took up arms against their comrades. And they lost. BADLY. 

  So go on Virginia, and celebrate your "brave and noble" past. Your ancestors were racist traitors who got their asses handed to them. 

Party Time!!!

With Friends Like These...

 A few days ago Afghani president Hamid Karzai was reported to have twice threatened to join the Taliban if the West continued to urge him to reform the nation he rules.
   This does come as somewhat of a surprise to me because anyone who knows anything about the political climate in the region knows that Karzai IS a Talibani, always was, and always will be.

  Hamid Karzai fought as part of the fundamentalist mujahedeen paid by the CIA to rid Afghanistan of the Soviets, the same group that Usama bin Laden gained his influence as a member of. Long after the soviets were gone, the US provided the Taliban with billions in order to allow their regime to take control of the nation. The american intelligence community was more than aware that the Talibanis were fundamentalist hardliners, but figured they owed the jihadis a favour. Al-Qaeda provided troops to protect western interests in Chechnya and in the Balkans. Colin Powell ponied up $43 million to construct an oil pipeline in Afghanistan just prior to the 9/11 terror attacks.

  Hamid Karzai was the Taliban's foreign minister during the rise of the regime and has the same hateful ideals today. After being illegally appointed with the blessings of Bush, Harper, and Blair the president instituted Sharia Law. Karzai chose the election commission and has rendered the nation as undemocratic as ever. He has used his power to punish women and children, promote drug peddlers, and further Islamist rule. Men have been tried for their lives for daring to opt for a different religion. Karzai signed into law a bill that gives men the authority to starve their wives if they refuse his sexual demands and guardianship of children solely to male family members. Women are required to have the written consent of their husbands to work and rapists are seldom prosecuted. The new Afghanistan is little different from the old, and is this way with the blessings of the West.

  Hamid Karzai is,was, and always will be a terrorist. The Pashtun majority has fought for thousands of years and will not stop. They are not at peace unless they are at war. Our kids are fighting and dying at the hands of troops ultimately armed by ourselves in a country that has been at war with itself long before Islam was even introduced. We need to permit exit for those who do not wish to live this tragic existence and pull our money and troops out. We gave bin Laden power, appointed Hussein, and armed Pinochet's junta and subsequent brutality. It is clear that we just are not adept at foreign policy, but are incredibly gifted at instituting dictators. We need to stop meddling in the affairs of others before we put the eventual regime that ends humanity into power.