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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Roofer On Fire's Guide to Exes

This is a piece I wrote several years and a couple of websites ago. I found one of the old ones today and decided it needed to be brought back, along with a few edits. While this installment of Ex Ed is purely for entertainment purposes, I think that some of my points are valid.


After noticing way too much dyke drama over the last couple of years I developed a few guidelines (because everyone hates "rules") on how to deal with them yours or a buddy's . This is not specific to gay folks, nor gender-specific - it goes across the board.

Here she flies (These rules are in no particular order here)

1. Never have sex with your ex . There is a reason (or a multitude of reasons) why your ex is your ex. Keep it that way.

2. Never be the reason for your friend's current to become an ex. ( A.K.A. The don't bang your buddy's old lady dude)

3. Never sleep with the ex of a friend if they are still cohabitating or bonking.

4. Never sleep with (or date in general) the ex of a friend within 1 month for every 6 months they were together. If they were together for 3 years, keep your pants on for at least 6 months.

5. Never openly date the ex of a close friend if you know the ex's kid(s). Wait at least 6 months, otherwise you risk screwing up the kid's head. (If you mess with a kid's head, I'll seriously beat you. Kids are fucking gold.)

6. Don't become jealous if your buddy dates your ex. If you get freaked, suck it up, at least in front of them . Again, your ex is your ex for a reason and friends can be forever . Besides, neither your pal or your ex survive to placate you or pander to your insecurities. Additionally, showing this kind of weakness in front of your ex will likely bring immense joy to your ex.

7 . You can become friends with an ex only if they abide by the rules. Otherwise she doesn't deserve your time. Recent exes should NEVER try to sleep with your friends immediately after you break up. If so, chances are she messed around on you and you were right to dump her. Get an S.T.D. test. 

8. Never hook up with the ex of a coworker if you work in a high-fatality-rate occupation. (police officer, tar roofer, iron worker, firefighter) People can become vengeful  and  "accidents" do happen. Friendly fire, fall restraint failures, you get the idea here. Sure, they'll get 25 years if they're actually caught and judged sane, but you are DEAD. And nobody's ex is worth that.

9 . If you are dating a buddy's ex while they are potentially healing, try not to be too graphic with the details of your sex life. It can create disturbing visualizations if your buddy has realized that their ex is unattractive or  in the unlikely event considers you to be unattractive. Also, it's mean and you risk losing your favourite golf partner over someone who may be Ms. Right Now. Tread lightly.

10. If you have found someone you can live with take reasonable steps to ensure they don't become your ex. Congratulations! You are pussywhipped.

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