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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ex Ed 101

After noticing way too much dyke drama over the last couple of years I developed a few guidelines (because everyone hates "rules") on how to deal with them yours or a buddy's . This is really not specific to gay folks , it really goes across the board

Here she flies (These rules are in no particular order here)

1. Never have sex with your ex . There is a reason (or a multitude of reasons) why your ex is your ex. Keep it that way.

2. Never be the reason for your friend's current to become an ex ( A.K.A. The don't bang your buddy's old lady dude)

3. Never sleep with the ex of a friend if they are still cohabitating or bonking.

4. Never sleep with (or date in general) the ex of a friend within 1 month for every 6 months they were together (so if they were together for 3 years , that's 6 months , pal) .

5. Never openly date the ex of a close friend if you know the friend's exes' kid(s) . Wait at least 6 months , otherwise you risk screwing up the kid's head. (If you mess with a kid's head , I'll seriously beat you . Kids are fucking gold.)

6. Don't become jealous if your buddy dates your ex . If you get freaked , suck it up , at least in front of them . Again , your ex is your ex for a reason and friends can be forever . Besides , neither your pal or your ex survive to placate you or pander to your insecurities . Besides , showing this kind of "weakness" in front of your ex will likely bring joy to your ex.

7 . You can become friends with an ex only if they abide by the rules . Otherwise , she doesn't deserve your time. Recent exes should NEVER try to fuck your friends immediately after you break up . If so , then chances are , she fucked around on you and you were right to dump her . Get an S.T.D. test .

8. Never hook up with the ex of a coworker if you work in a high-fatality-rate occupation. (police officer , tar roofer , iron worker , firefighter) People can become vengeful , and , "accidents" do happen. "Friendly" fire , fall restraints "break" , you get the idea here . Sure , they'll get 25 years (if they're actually caught and judged "sane") , but , man , you are DEAD. And nobody's ex is worth that.

9 . If you are fucking a buddy's ex , while they may be potentially "healing" , try not to be too graphic with the details of your sex life. It can create disturbing visualizations if your buddy has realized that their ex is unattractive or , in the unlikely event , considers YOU to be unattractive.

10. If you have found someone you can live with , take reasonable steps to ensure they don't become your ex. Congratulations , you are pussywhipped.

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