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Monday, May 30, 2011

Hear My Pain: The 10 Worst Songs Of The Last 30 Years

Musical taste is a highly subjective thing, however there have been some absolutely awful tracks released in the last 30 years. In many cases, bad music was meant to capitalize on TV or film stardom, or worse, a dance craze. 

While I'm sure you won't agree with a few picks, look forward to a few nightmares and some possibly aural bleeding. Without further ado, the worst songs of the last 30 years are upon you.

Readers' Choices

Does what it says. These were some of the dandies selected by readers of this blog. The more mentions, the higher the ranking. Top 7 :

7. Take My Breath Away                                           Berlin
6. Barbie Girl                                                             Aqua
5. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?               Bryan Adams
4. That's Not My Name                                             Ting Tings
3. Informer                                                                 Snow
2. Shiny Happy People                                               REM

#1 went #1 in 17 (!) countries around the globe. You can buy it HERE

Now that you've lived through the choices of your fellow roofmonkeys, here are the songs that have made me throw things at people in the last 30 years.

Dishonourable Mentions

Don't Shed A Tear                                         Paul Janz
Scatman                                                         Scatman John
We Built This City                                          Starship
She's Like The Wind                                      Patrick Swayze
Batdance                                                       Prince
Higher Love                                                   Steve Winwood
Sailing                                                           Christopher Cross
Have You Seen Her?                                     MC Hammer

The Crap 10

10. Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley                          buy here

   Yes, you've been RickRoll'd. This song is as confusing as it is plain dreadful. I remain to this day utterly perplexed as to how a voice so deep could come out of the Ginger version of R.J. Berger. One tries to not think about how pendulous the testicles to produce this racket must be, and quietly wish that his powers had been used for good.

9. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas                                           buy here

  Fergie's voice makes most pop-rap crap worse, and this is the piece de merde. Will can be a rad dude, but the fact he bought into this overproduced garbage takes him down 5426244723 notches in my book. The choruses are intended to be catchy, and they are, but more along the Herpetic vein. Someone needs to tell Fergie that the majority of the world wouldn't spend their money on her humps nor her trying to sing about them.

8. Macarena - Los Del Rio                                                   buy here

   The first time I heard this was in a Toronto nightclub. the remix and the weird linedance that went along with it made me laugh so hard that I fell off my barstool, where I was rescued by a drag queen, who also could not contain her laughter. This is the classic example of what happens when someone takes a classic sung by some old dudes and absolutely demolishes it. It came out when people wanted to dance alike, and man did it sell. In retrospect, it is a testament to just how many drugs people did in the mid-90s.

7. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus                              buy here

   Before he became music's most famous dad, Billy Ray put out some decent country albums. However, he is also remembered for popularizing the supermullet and this dreadful linedancing standby. The first time I heard this song, I was out with buddies who kept putting this song on repeat. I also had my first experience with post-beer projectile pukeage. To this day, nobody knows whether it was the beer or being forced to here this awful tune for 6 hours that caused me to paint my buddy's washroom orange.

P.S. : My housemate just said that this is the worst song ever.

6. Jakk Frost - Gay Bashing

  The rapper says he's just dissing wanksters, but it's pure filth. The music is a weird, garbled mess of random sounds that don't seem to flow together. The noise is high-pitched and piercing, but doesn't drown out the rantations of a washed up second-rate rapper who is just looking for shock value. Well, here's a shock to you Jakk- this track sucks and everyone but you knows it.

5. Hungry Eyes - Eric Carmen                                                         buy here

  Sorry ladies, I am not a fan of stinky cheese, and this is as bad as it gets. I'm not sure what specifically makes this stand out in an era of awful love songs, but even listening to it for the purposes of this blog made me retch. My dislike for this song is so long-standing that my mum has been tormenting me with it since I was in grade 8. For me, this record epitomizes chick flick wretchedness. Every time I hear it I curl into the fetal position.

4. Mambo #5 - Lou Bega                                                               buy here

   This is the only song on the German-born crooner's VEVO channel because nobody's ever heard a peep out of him since 1999. This is probably a good thing. I'm not sure what he's doing here, but it's not singing or rapping. The only use for this CD is for repelling birds. This is what happens when someone tries to create a linedance track and does everything wrong.

3. Rock On - Michael Damian

  Dude was most known for playing a musician on the Young and the Restless, and since people still watched soaps back then, A&M figured plenty of housewives would line up to buy this single off the Dream a Little Dream Soundtrack. And they were right- it sold boatloads of copies. Nonetheless, Rock On reigns as the worst pop song of 1989, the year of the awful song. I don't like the original David Essex version of this, and Michael Damian's is worse. Stick to being Danny Romalotti, dude.

2. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred                                                 buy here

  I realize this is a tongue-in-cheek swipe at the fashion industry, but the point of the song gets lost in the awful music and repetitive lyrics that are punctuated by Fred's peculiar, throaty voice.The first time I heard this abomination was in a Montreal mall, and when I returned to Ontario, discovered to my dismay that it was a hit there also. Even though it's in jest, it's still one of the worst songs ever made.

1. Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy - Big and Rich                        buy here

  First off, I'll acknowledge the fact that this song has made John Rich a ton of money, but that's not really relevant here. This song is the most annoying song in music history. My mother nominated it, and I fully agree. I live in a small city where this irritation still gets some play at the older clubs, and Jagermeister-soaked jillbillies still bound up to dance to it. The first time I heard it, I left the bar and didn't come back for 2 months.

  What I'm thinking here is that Big and Rich tried to bring back the whole line dancing thing. Maybe. Either that or it was a cash grab right from the start. And it's not just the fact that this song is annoying, but the quality of people who actually enjoy this song. Suffice it to say, if you made it past Grade 6, this ain't your song. If your wife is your cousin, saddle up your horse with this cassette in your pocket radio.


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