I 'm only up because it's the 300th time I've had to pee in the last day, or so it seems. I can barely hold my head long enough to realize what I'm typing, standing has become exhausting and even making a sandwich requires leaning on the edge of the counter. When I can manage to consume a meal to offer limited relief for my savage hunger I don't feel a usual energetic burst, only more dizziness...and more sleep.
Sleep is all I can manage to do recently. and when I'm not sleeping I'm nowhere near close to awake. My head will feel heavy and hang forward as it is right now and I might even fall over. I have just as many ideas in my mind, a bounty of stories to tell but no way to get them out.
---This is where I pass out with my head on my desk and wake up at 5:11---
I really want to be my rough tough self again- the person who sticks up for the little guy and loves everyone. I'm not trying to ignore anyone and I know that quite a few of you have wondered why I don't seem like myself lately. The reason is that no matter how much I lie and say everything is okay and life is beautiful there is still something seriously wrong with me and I don't know what it is. My stubborn brain tells me that telling everyone that my vision is all fucked-up and just how crappy my body is making me feel constitutes whining. If you come from my world, there's a million reasons why YOU are permitted to cry, but not one circumstance where I am. That's just the rules.
But the reality is that no matter how much I try to pretend nothing is wrong, there is something that is making it nearly impossible and usually painful to open my eyes, put my feet down, and stand to move. I've ignored myself for so long that it could be something incredibly serious, and that fact makes me feel vulnerable and even a tiny bit afraid. These are not welcome feelings.
Anyways, enough of the crybaby shit. I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up about why I've been so hard to find lately so you won't kick my ass too hard about it. I will relent and see a physician to try to figure out what the hell is going on even though I'm petrified of doctors and it fucks with my ego to admit to being sick. I'm just checking in here so you fine folks won't either worry or think I' ve turned into an aloof asshole.
Have an awesome day and if I get one of my little jots of energy I'll try to find something far more entertaining or enlightening to bring to the table.
This would be the part of the cheesy-ass speech where they play the Chant National for no apparent reason.
Have a safe and joyous Monday folks!