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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Media Moment: The Day Of Doom

  According to some biblical scholars and engineer Harold Camping, the prophesy of the End of Days will come to fruition. There are websites tracking every moment the caravans of folks witnessing to this event until the absolute divine judgment, followed by a 5-moth period. After this period the physical world will go boom.

The date set for the Judgment is the day before my 35th birthday. On May 21st of this year, a lord we cannot see or touch will take his perfect flock from amongst us, leaving the remainder to perish. While I'm not entirely sure what guy would kill billions of his creations, I suppose it's up to Yahweh.

But maybe the prophecy is true: that a carpenter will rise to take everyone to heaven. According to some Jews, it will be someone who possesses both male and female characteristics. I'm an androgynous, mid-30's Jew (recovering) who is a pretty fine carpenter. Maybe your Messiah is me. Maybe this big day of rapture is a revelation of my being a spiritual deity.  Maybe I have a hidden dark self who wants to take all of the annoying folks for myself and leave all of the non-virgins and unbaptised babies to burn in eternal fire.

So make sure to send me your gold and silver well in advance of the day my godliness is revealed to you and burn a few rams in my honour. Save me a virgin or ten to satisfy my eternal needs and a few hundred slaves to build me a castle in the clouds. All of the great things will be revealed to you as I decide who should live to worship me forever and who should die to be roasted over a spit by Satan; for all of the ancient tales were told in parables to confuse you into sinning and you won't know until the end. Because I am the living lord your God and this is my will.

And then you'll wake up from this dream on May 22nd and hand me a birthday beer.

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