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Friday, December 31, 2010

Just For Fun: 15 Sports Uniforms From Hell

  Fashion is a highly subjective thing, much like sports fandom. Everyone wants to think that their team not only plays like champs, but has the signature look to draw new fans in from everywhere.

  However, there are some great misses when it comes to design that make the world collectively wonder what the hell the designer was thinking. And when a monumental fashion failure happens it is noted in blogs like this one.

with this in mind I bring you The Most Terrifying Togs In Sports

Revenge Of The Ice-Fishing Bait


The Axe-Murdering Fisherman


You Don't Need A Court To Be A Jester


6 Designs, 1 Jersey


This Is Not A Mirage


The Pink Ladies


No-Way



Yar!


Look Ma! No Pants!


Black and Blue and Wrong All Over


Something's Shitty In San Diego


Later, The Padres Opted For Camouflage


The Icicle Dance (Honorable Mention to Stockton's Short Shorts)


Darkwing Disaster


Denver Doodie


(Dis) Honorable Mention Because Golf's Not A Sport

Jesus Christ What The Fuck?

The Year In Review

  I have written hundreds of entries in a great year on the blog, but without readers this would simply be empty space. Here are the posts that for one reason or another hit high notes with my awesome bunch this year.

Top 10 Posts Overall in 2010

10. Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work December 9, 2009 

9. You Know This Is Wrong July 26, 2010

8. If You Are Weak-Stomached November 16, 2009

7. 7 Internet Abbreviations That Make You Seem Goofy July 5, 2010

6. Free Lindsay July 27, 2010

5. Urban Legend? The Tapeworm Diet March 31, 2010

4. The 411 On Hangovers July 4, 2010

3. What Can You Do Today? November 30, 2010

2. What Can You Do Today? November 4, 2010

And #1 (Drumroll please) The Heterosexual Questionnaire October 11, 2010

The day with the most hits : February 4, 2010 ; most popular post: The War Over Vaccines 

Top Causes You can Still Help With

1. What Can You Do Today?: Rizana Nafeek November 4, 2010

2. My Little Gay History Lesson September 29, 2010

3. Help The Roofer Lose Her Head For Charity November 16, 2010

4. What Can You Do Today? : Dylan Smith November 20, 2010

5. What Can You Do Today?: Congolese War Victims August 24, 2010

6. World Toilet Day Is For Real November 19, 2010

Now here comes the part where YOU come in, or moreso than usual. The Readers Choice. Was there something this year from the blog that you absolutely loved? or hated? Tell me and this space will be filled.

I'll start with something that I wrote that few people read that I dug. it's called Soylent Feed. Enjoy!

http://rooferonfire.blogspot.com/2010/08/yummy-treat-soylent-feed.html

The Song In My Head For @tylerconium

Hey homie, you're an asshole and I love you.



Remember kids, Ty and I may be assholes, but even we're not dickheaded enough to drink and drive. Don't do it.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

This Week In Homophobia : Bill James

 

   The rest of the civilized part of the nation have finally discovered the scourge that is Mecklenberg County, North Carolina County Commissioner Bill James. For those who haven't heard of the dude (yet), he's a homosex-obsessed Charlotte-area politician known for serving up diets of perversity.
  Fellow Commissioner Jennifer Roberts seemed to have forgotten Mr. James' hatred when she suggested an e-mail thank you to North Carolina Commissioners who supported the repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" military policy. Bill James went on one of his typical anti-gay tirades, calling LGBT people, among other things, "sexual predators" and painted the usual shower scene fantasy.

  This is the same guy who (last year) referred to the son of another council member as a "homo" and promoted arresting gays in a statement against granting same-sex partner benefits earlier in the year. E-mails? That's child's play. James has been sending out e-mails postulating the supposed sexual practices of gays in minute detail for years. Partner that with his bizarre AIDS theories and very questionable views of blacks and other minorities and you've got the kind of guy who usually runs unopposed. Bill James is a bully and a bigot and maybe all of you folks in Charlotte should muster up an actual opponent for this reprehensible child come next election.

  It's absolutely appalling that a moron like Bill James gets to represent anyone, that this is the kind of bozo foreigners see when they look at America. This guy is the very stain that forms the stereotype about the white, Christian male. And if Bill James doesn't speak for you, if you're sick of Bill James making you or your neighbours look like asshats, you can wander over here and petition for his censure. It might not do anything other than make you feel better, but if you think that politicians should be held accountable for their hatred post-election, you should take the 2 minutes when you can.

  Life is a lot more awesome when we speak up for the little guy.

Random Roofer


  Stereotypes are great when the person they're talking about is not you. There are Americans who fit this mode to some degree. Naturally, parody inflates negative characteristics, however there are fat, Republican Americans who are actually well educated, decent people. Whether you are a disabled American, avid-hunting Canadian, or flaming gay, there are mockers. And it's usually funny when it's not you.

  But sometimes, it is you, and the best thing you can do is laugh. Trust me, I fit into more than a few stereotypical boxes. The time someone spends laughing at you is time not spent picking on someone who has low self-esteem. They're leaving someone who otherwise would melt down alone. Besides, if you don't laugh at yourself you shouldn't do it to other people. We have unwritten policies when it comes to laughter, and in general it's harmless. Life is a funny thing, and sometimes when there is division and poverty the best thing we can do is laugh at it.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Media Moment: The Holy Shit Edition

  My brother found this and, we love fart jokes. Pastor Robert is on his turd wife in 10 years and his flock has provided a lush lifestyle with all of the comforts that one would expect for a purveyor of the finest holy shit.

Enjoy!

Media Moment


 For those of you who are on Mars and/or have kids, I'll give you a rundown.:

Tucker Carlson was filling in for Hannity on that show I don't watch often. He went on a tirade about convicted dog-killer Mike Vick's sentence. Apparently, Tucker was missing some limelight or his boxers didn't match his handkerchief or something.  Anywho, the little famewhore said that Vick should have been executed. Yes, yes, I know his white friends hunt wolves and whatnot, but they're white. So now everyone wants to either scalp Carlson or Vick.

  I hope that was a decent enough summation of today's Twit Trend annoyance.

  To a reasonably sober mind, it is Tucker Carlson racebaiting and being his normal douchenozzle self. But the thing is that somewhere, some redneck dipstick is taking it to heart. And hopefully, because killing a human being is morally wrong regardless of the rationale, he won't do anything more serious than bitch about it on MySpace. Michael Vick has served his sentence and has the freedom to be a nice guy or a jerk or either on alternating days. And Tucker Carlson also has the right to be the greatest asshole he can be within the confines of the law.

  I really hope that nobody takes the content of Tucker Carlson's questionable use of free speech seriously. I want to believe that some loner in a trailer outside Philly won't turn into a fucktard and go Aryan Nation on Mike Vick. In addition I hope that Vick fans forget Tucker Carlson and he crawls back into his pit of irrelevance and stops making animal-welfare activists look mentally deficient.

  That is all.

Just For Fun: Zuma Blitz

  I seldom play action games of any sort, but those that I do have generally short life spans. I get tired and most are so formulaic, you get very bored. Facebook is a rare gaming destination, so I figured this game would be a buzzkill or at least unexciting.


  I clicked anyways because I'm a dick and try every game once and then bitch about the experience. 

Zuma's Blitz is actually a pretty fun way to spend a minute or two. The fact that you start off at the highest skill level you previously played is a bonus. You actually almost have to pay attention to play the game. You don't need to be a genius to play it, but you might feel smart for a nanosecond.



 Anywho, if a friend sends you an invite and you need something to do for 5 minutes while you're waiting in line at the airport, accept it. ZB is worth the free plays, but I don't think I'd pay for it.  FB 3.5/5
                                                                                                                                

Skin Deep


  You may have seen this woman on my blog before. Her name is Isabelle Caro, and she was a french model, author, and actress. Was because she passed away recently after returning home from a gig with a respiratory illness related to her severe underweight condition.

  Isabelle was known in modelling circles a long while but became notorious when her anti-anorexia photo display was banned from Milan Fashion Week in 2007.  In the photographs her 5'5" frame held a mere 70 pounds and she had previously survived comas.

  Her disease was spawned by a childhood spent living with a severely mentally ill mother, one who would measure and weigh her, praying that the living doll would never grow. Little Isabelle became petrified of eventual puberty, and the then-13 year old lost over 10 kilograms, never to grow again until it was too late.

  This photo alerted the world, and Isabelle herself, to just how severe her condition as well as that of many young models had become.


  Terrified that her tiny frame was being looked up to by girls, Isabelle Caro began to fight her disease. She spoke out about unrealistic beauty and told her tragic story in the hope that young people would listen to her reality. She shared her affirmations, her struggles, and photography on her blog; taking care to remind others not to follow in her path. 


 Isabelle spent a mere 28 years on our planet, much of is suffering from the torment of bodily obsession. 80% of young girls are terrified of being seen as fat. The most common medical procedures on teens are purely cosmetic. I've even risked my own life countless times by suddenly halting taking seizure drugs, each time deluded into thinking they'll make me fat. Seeking, acquiring, and maintaining a certain type of beauty is financially and emotionally devastating. We are all part of a culture that turns women mad, destined to seek artificial facades for internal ills, to take brilliant minds from our earth because of pursuit of an outward lie. 

  It was even noticed with the messages related to yesterday's post. People commented over whether or not they thought the woman was beautiful, but missed the point. The lady featured would be near skeletal without the obvious surgical "enhancements". She has a sunken chest and is devoid of musculature, yet is regarded as the standard to which women are expected to measure themselves by. And there is something seriously wrong with that. 

"I thought this could be a chance to use my suffering to get a message across, and finally put an image on what thinness represents and the danger it leads to -- which is death...to make people react, for young girls who see this to think: 'Oh, so that's what lies behind the beautiful clothes, the hair, the image that we are shown of fashion.'" - Isabelle Caro, 2007

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Short Stories: The Scream Part One


  My 5 and 10 year old nephews are visiting me, and I notice parallels between these childhoods and those of my generation. In every family, there is a favourite kid. Parents always tell you there is no prized youngster, but by the time we're 12 we can figure out the order of preference. And the amount of attention paid to each child was dictated on something so terrifying, so piercing; the auditory assault known as the Scream.

  In every family there is a youngster that can emit something so shrill, it will bring an elephant to her knees. The Scream is not only so awful that it is capitalized, it is evil that must be arrested. My youngest nephew Aden has the gift of the Scream. He's starting to get to the age where he knows he can score mad attention from employing the Scream even when he's the provocateur. And little Aden is my sister's clear selected son, her baby, yada, yada, yada. Her other son Jacob is my buddy. And I'm sure our kinship has to do with being an older sibling. In lands , rich or poor, religious or atheist, free-market or communist one thing resonates and it is the Scream.

  We both know what it's like to be on the losing end of the Scream. I can tell when Jacob is victimized by the Scream. He'll be 2 metres away and not irritating the little angel when the horrifying eruption of dying turtledoves will resonate throughout home or marketplace. Jacob knows that he's getting in shit for his brother's entertainment, and it's starting to bug him. So I take his side in the sometimes-silent war over the power of the Scream. Eventually we'll become immune to the Scream and big bro is going to pummel the stuffing out of Doofus the Younger. The family will start getting annoyed with the screamer and the screamee will be able to exact revenge by torturing the little heathen with relative impunity. The Scream may appear in every family, but it runs a predictable and just course.

  This Scream will join your Scream, my mum's Scream, and all of the other Screams in the Black Hole of Lost Noises to be replaced by a new generation, a more populous generation of Screams. While global climate shifts and pollution and the possibility of failure and starvation may scare us, the most horrifying abomination to haunt future earthdwellers is the global growth of Scream.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Reality Chick - The Royal Bullshit Edition

  There has been a ton of fascination with the upcoming nuptuals of William of Windsor and Kate Middleton. Little girls and grown ladies alike have a romantic image of marrying a prince, an idealized image that pays no mind as to how one becomes a royal in the first place. And because I'm an atomic killjoy, I'll tell you exactly how one becomes a royal and how you too can join this clan of inbred cosmic zombies or-even better- start your own.

  Naturally, one knows that royal Britons usually are deemed so as a result of birth and that males are considered far more important than females. The reason for this is not lack of modernity, but because the Royals of England are a religious institution. They believe that they are chosen by some omniscient being to rule over the people.

The monarch is the head of the Church of England, leader of protestants and all worldwide Anglicans, messenger of Jesus. For this reason you lose all of your Royal standing if you do things the church doesn't approve of. Converting to another faith ensures that you and your offspring cannot become monarchs. You and your children also lose your ordained "right" to be superior to your neighbours should your marry a Catholic or Jew. This is a permanent exclusion. Any child born out of wedlock is a non-royal for ascension purposes, even if his or her parents marry afterward. Adoption is also a no-no for succession purposes. After all, these are God's chosen people. Why? Because Henry the 8th said so after getting tired of that pesky Pope telling him what to do.

  Admission into the House of Lords does not involve democratic vote despite the fact that they have the right to decide legislation. Membership is gained through birth, appointment, or standing within the Church. The reason for the Church/State distinction in the United States is because, at the time of confederation, the Church of England was State. And to a degree higher than would make most westerners comfortable, it still is to this day. Religious dominion was used to justify slavery, racism, and hostile takeovers of nations like India.
After all, the English Anglicans are the messengers of God.

  So, how do you become Royal? It's simple, really. All you have to do is take an established religion or political ideology, rewrite it, and convince others that your message is the greatest of all. Follow it with massive information campaigns and kill off a bunch of people and your chunk of the world will belong to you and your heirs. After all, your power is divinely ordained. God has chosen you as his messenger and everyone best learn to bow at your feet. It worked for Gilgamesh, Mohammed, the Zhou Dynasty and every King and Queen of Europe. All one has to do is look at the global attention paid to Wills and Kate to recognize that claims of Divine Right not only exist, but are celebrated.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

(Another) X-Mas Song In My Head

   A romantic would say "How wonderful! We will have peace and joy and no more starving babies!"

  A pragmatist would say " This will usher in Evangelical regimes and forced religious conversion in exchange for food".

  I would say "Thank Baby Heebus for Bob Geldof's magnificent rat tail!"

Obligatory X-Mas Blog

  In a lot of places and in a lot of families Christmas is a really big deal. My family did the kinda-Xmas, the secular, the-other-kids-are-gonna-kick-the-shit-out-of-you Xmas. My mum, no matter how hard she had to work, made sure we felt special. Whether it be cooking a nice beef or turkey roast or hanging stockings, my mum always did something to make us feel like part of the crowd. And for that I am thankful. My mum's not the natural with kids, it just sort-of happened that way and she tried.

  Christmas died for me when I was 13. The only person who ever showed me that she truly believed in me died on December 23rd, 1989. That was my grandmother and she was a tough war vet who would show you how to do anything and told me I could be anything. To this day, she may be the only person in existence who has truly loved me. She never said it, it was true.
  Anywho, my granno had pancreatic cancer (that's why I have the free activity thingy in the sidebar) and knew she was going. My dad said he'd pick me up so I could go for a couple of days and say goodbye. He never showed up. Business or staff party or something. Anyways, she died before I could look her in the eyes and shake her hand the way she did with other respected folks and generally say goodbye.

  It never mattered that she never purchased a gift for me for any occasion, her time, her honour that bled through, her presence was worth more money than man can make. Humble enough to make others think her simple, she was a magnificiently remarkable woman gone before the world would discover the heroic deeds that marked her life. But it wasn't her bullet scars or ingenuity that made her my hero. She was something different to me and I cannot describe it other than to say that this is the first time I've written about her outside of her chutney recipes and I feel better.

  Maybe I won't feel the need to hate winter festivities of any kind anymore. There was never any Christ in my Christmas but there was always a something. A candle lit, a box opened, a kid smiling, or a bowl passed. And it's possible that I may not be as much of a miserable blockhead.

We can only hope :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Portablog : Merry Christmas Kinda Song In My Head

I still think the last line would sound better if it was "and a partridge in a pear glaze" , but whatever.

Merry Christmas folks!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Few Words About Animal Rights Activists


There are a lot of us out there who don't eat animals (myself included) , and virtually everybody on the planet wants Seal hunting to stop or be reduced . Fair enough . But attacking an entire NATION because of it? Wow , humanity sucks . 


 We consistently generalize entire nations of people based on the actions of a few morons and I'm as guilty as anyone . So where do we draw the line ? Is it only when the lives of humans are at risk or can it be applied to other living beings? We are quick to judge the horrifying conditions dogs and cats exist in in places like China . We are horrified by the sufferings of animals skinned alive for their pelts when it occurs overseas , but somehow justify it when it happens on our side of the pond. Weird , eh?

  The problem is , the only people who seem concerned are a bunch of ignorant and semi-literate teenagers or college-dropout hippies . I was peering over some blog responses and saw things like "Seals are so cute and cuddly" . I'm serious . Now , I don't know about you , but I live on the coast and guess what we have here? - Seals! Of all things to describe these fascinating creatures , "cute and cuddly" doesn't seem to apply . 



  Kids , seals and sea lions are CARNIVORES , and if you tried to hug one it would likely rip your face off. As it should . It's a wild animal that really deserves to be left alone , not butchered , but not tormented by "animal rescuers" either . But that won't work because seal fur is an in-demand consumer "product" that is purchased for vast sums by wealthy and otherwise intelligent people , people in positions of prestige and power . In order to even argue with this  a movement needs more than green-haired kids throwing paint on people who can easily afford a dry cleaner.

Ho Ho Holy Sh*t Of the Week

  Antoine Dodson gained internet fame for a colourful interview he gave after saving his sister from a home invader, but I think this proves that not only are his 15 minutes up, but so are autotune's.

Oy to the vey.

High Art


  It doesn't take a trained eye to see that this is some fine portraiture, but look a little closer. These pieces are mosaics, but instead of using tiles innovative artist Cliff Maynard uses- get this- roaches from joints as the tiles. Each piece uses countless joint remains saved by Mr. Maynard and his friends and can take over 100 hours to transform into a masterpiece.



  The 38 year old tattooist began producing his weird and wonderful art more than 15 years ago, an art student inspired by ancient mosaics. These wonderful examples of high art don't come cheap. should you decide to invite one into your home be prepared to shell out at least $1000. With that you'll get something that  will keep everyone talking.

  Go HERE to check out more of Cliff's blunt work.

Thirsty Thursday Grab Bag

  The dumping ground for all of the weird and wonderful things floating around my mind.

99 Bottles Of Beer On The Outfield Wall

  Recognize this guy? He's an actor you might know from Budweiser beer commercials and TV. In the ads he played an obnoxious baseball player and in a case of life imitating art, Nigel Thatch wound up playing some games with Schomberg of the Northern Baseball League. In 2006, he was traded to Fullerton of the Golden Baseball League- for 60 cases of beer. The brand? Budweiser.


  The Eyes Have It

  From birth to adulthood, human beings multiply in size quite noticably, but our eyes are the same size from birth until death. However, some things do change contantly. Have you ever noticed that old grandad's face looks different from the photos of his youth? The reason is because our noses and ears never stop growing until shortly after we die. And granny might have noticed another thing too- men's scrotums continue to grow as well. If you're like me and have large feet, you'll notice that your old shoes don't quite fit. This is because most human beings' feet also continue to grow. And more to kick your ass with when you mention grandad's huge earlobes.

 All In A Name

  There was a recent uproar in England recently when the list of popular boys' names was released to the public. Anglos were certain that Jihad was upon us because the most used name for wee boys is Muhammad or it's variants. Muhammad and variants like Hamid compose the most common name in the world, a name that even predates Islam itself. For this reason it is used amongst Arab Christians as well. And some people just like the name, which simply means "praiseworthy".
  However, if English stats guys combined all of the variants of the Hebrew name Yohannon, Muhammad would be left in the dust. Variants of the same Hebrew root name include #2, Jack, as well as Sean, Ian, John, Shane, Jane, Jan, Evan, Ivan ,and Joan.


Barking Flower?

  This segment is about the Peruvian Inca Orchid. "But the photo is of a dog!", you say. Well, the Peruvian Inca Orchid is a dog, and a fairly rare one at that. These funky hounds can have lush coats or be hairless, and both types can show up in the same litter. Due to the weird specifications, coated dogs are not considered suitable as show dogs, but are affectionate companions. In days of yore, coated dogs served as guard animals and hairless as bed warmers for Peruvian elites. Spanish conquistadors nearly eradicated the breed and it remains rare today.

Good Morning, Armchair Doctors


  I have a mental illness. This probably isn't shocking, but it gets a tad aggravated around this time of the year. I may isolate myself, eat a lot or very little, cry or overcompensate, or none of these. I could have some symptom not on the list as well, but the point is that through a combination of traumas, whacks on the head, and drugs I was put on as a kid, something just isn't right in my head. And that's just fine with me, I'm okay as a person, and most people are okay with me.

  But when you say "I have a mental illness", everyone thinks they are an expert, that they have the cure to your affliction. The individual may say "go for a jog" or "try this herb" or "try this religion" or any other solution he or she has invented. Everybody has the cure to your disease and you should shut up and listen.

  But in addition to a mental illness, I also have a heart valve defect. Said leaky valve causes me to become dizzy at times but generally doesn't bother me too much. I may eventually have to have it replaced, though.

  Now which one of you is going to perform the open-heart surgery, since I know that you're all experts?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On A Serious Note

  
Most of you have heard of Julian Assange, but few of you are sure who the heck Bradley Manning is. Quite simply, Mr. Manning is the American soldier who leaked the 200,000 or so classified cables to Wikileaks. It's easy to see that the classification of documents is quite silly in the U.S., with things like defence budgets routinely given to the press and a childish nickname of a foreign diplomat seen as "sensitive".

  What the documents exposed is how silly the defense department is in document classification, using it as a weapon against enlistees. The leaks do not contain any information that could cause harm to the United States, save for embarrassment, and this is according to the Secretary of Defense. However, there is one American seriously harmed in this story, that man being Private Manning himself.

   While Wikiperv is out acting like a rockstar and demanding things in exchange for not releasing more cables, the actual guy who gave them to the smug asshole is rotting away in jail. That's right kiddos- Christian Audigier's long-lost twin brother is partying it up, making huge cash, and looking like a hero for information freedom whilst the dude who made the whole thing  possible is languishing in solitary. Private Manning could very well have sold the leaks to another nation, but made the conscious choice not to because he believes that information should be free.


 Private Manning has been incarcerated in intensive solitary for over 7 months without trial, let alone conviction. Deprived of any human contact for in excess of 23 hours per day, he is starting to lose his mind. He is under constant surveillance, not permitted to exercise, and denied simple things like a pillow or sheet. Mr. Manning is being kept in conditions generally reserved for the most dangerous convicted felons purely as a punitive measure, and regardless of your opinion on his snitching, this is not how human beings treat each other. 

  When Obama came into power, he stated that he would work to close Guantanamo, but didn't utter a peep as to how to deal with solitary confinement, a situation that most civilized nations view as torture. Long-term isolation has been proven to not only psychologically, but physically alter the human brain. Studies going back over 40 years have concluded that solitary confinement slows brain functioning. Even 120 years ago (Google In re Medley) the U.S. Supreme Court recognized solitary confinement as psychologically injurious. And if you want modern, let's look at a study on those incarcerated during the Yugoslavian war that found isolated prisoners and those with post-concussion syndrome to have the same cognitive impairments. 

  The conditions that are starting to drive Bradley manning mad are what are preventing the extraditions of many terror suspects to the United States from various nations. They are also what Private Manning was aware of when he leaked the cables. Bradley Manning was acutely aware that the U.S. tortures, imprisons, and assassinates those who speak against her superiority and still released his knowledge. It could be easily said that this kid has more balls than brains, that he's brave or cowardly, that he's a loyal citizen of the world or a traitor to the nation he calls home. It could be all of these or none at all, but we may never know because the possibility of Bradley Manning receiving due process, a fair trial and punishment, and humane incarceration is near nil.  

  While Wikileaks makes the news and Assange and media profit, the man who made it happen will be irreversibly changed and may never see the light of day. The information may have been released, but if you tell anyone that it is free, you are lying. 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Random Irritation Of The Day

 Tattooing is a practice that goes back thousands of years. It is a  rite of passage in some communities and is prohibited amongst other groups. Many tattoos of late pay homage to respected ancestors or cultures, but more often than not, some folks' ink is a disrespectful rip-off.

  Nowadays it's become in vogue to use the script or language of a culture and/or language totally different from one's own to permanently adorn the flesh. And for the most part, this annoys the shit out of me. There's just something unseemly about a hipster d-bag having a language he doesn't know inked for posterity. If you think it's rad to have a non-native speaker use you as his personal Etch-A-Sketch you may be in for something you do not intend.

  If you are dumb enough to have a language that you have no knowledge of etched into your skin, don't be surprised when those who know the language quietly snicker at the tattoo on your arm. The artist may have told you it means "peace and dignity", but it may mean "i am a roll of toilet tissue".  And if it does, you absolutely deserve it for disregarding the sanctity of an ancient tongue. Dumbass.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Song In My Head For @Gruven_Reuven

  The Grateful Dead were amazing. Some of us followed in the most literal sense, some of us listened from a distance. But in general, most of us paid attention. From the sixties to the nineties Jerry Garcia and his misfits entertained, invoked discussion, promoted understanding, and were something to groove to with a bong. They were political and silly, with something for everyone.

  This track met commercial success but it doesn't mean that it was a lefty failure. It means more now than it ever did because folks like Reuven, his missus, and myself have more than A Touch Of Grey.

Enjoy!

Proofreading Isn't For everyone

  The failure of the North American educational systems in one graphic

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Hump Day Grab Bag

   The dumping ground for some of the randomness floating around my intracranial space.

 Sop For You



 The story of creation is a little over 5700 years old which conflicts with the story of soup.  There is archaeological evidence for the elixir the precedes God going back over 8000 years.
  The Cavemother's penicillin   featured hippopotamus as the primary protein in a delicious broth made of assorted animal bones.

  The English word soup was originally sop , which just means bread covered in juices.

Shooting For The Cycle


  Hitting for the cycle is a spectacular feat in baseball. It takes a combination of speed, power, and luck to hit a single, double, triple, and home run in the same contest. There have been 291 occurrences of the cycle in the last 128 years of Major League Baseball.

  The cycle is a far rarer feat in ice hockey. It involves scoring on the power play, shorthanded, via penalty shot, even strength, and one into an empty net. It can be accomplished by scoring 4 goals if one is a powerplay or shorty into an empty net.
  However, in the NHL's 93-year history, it has only been achieved once. In 1988, Pittsburgh's 6'4" beast of blasts Mario Lemieux victimized New Jersey 5 times in an unusual 8-6 victory that proved one is not always the loneliest number.

How Does My Ass Taste?

  Dogs are lauded for their superior evolutionary traits. Canines can ear high pitches that few adult humans can and have a sense of smell that is well suited to an animal that may have been required to scavenge for food. Some breeds of dogs enjoy sleeping in bitter cold and can certainly outrun your mailman. The leg-humping companion has some pretty mad skills.

  But humans have something that can make Rover look like a mouse. Homo Sapiens Sapiens has adapted an awe-inspiring sense of taste. While your Beagle has fewer than 2000 tastebuds, you probably have more than 9000. This sense is useful because humans can frequently acquire food poisoning from rotten or undercooked treats that Bingo's acid stomach is immune to. There are also a wide array of plants and insects that can kill us if ingested. These generally taste bitter or otherwise unappealing. Our sense of taste has more to do with species preservation than detecting the 24 spices in a curry.

  As for your barking buddy, his lousy sense of taste may explain why he finds cat poo so delicious.

  "I'm So Horny I Could Die"

  You've heard your promiscuous best friend say this, but could it possibly be true? If your best buddy is a female ferret, the answer is yes!

  If an unaltered female ferret goes into heat, she will have the need for peen until she is mated, regardless of whether it results in a pregnancy. Jills in estrus naturally produce high levels of estrogen which depresses bone marrow production and progressively destroys it. Estrogen also lowers white and red blood cell counts, eventually causing them to no longer be produced. This form of aplastic anemia is always fatal if left untreated.

  Should you plan on welcoming a ferret into your home, make sure she is spayed if young. Should you adopt an unaltered adult,  consider a vasectomized male for a companion. They'll get their freak on at nightime and she'll ovulate, ending the rut and not resulting in micro-ferrets. If you only want one polecat eating through the wires, she'll need veterinary visits every few months for injections to end estrus and keep her from dying a miserable death.

 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

On This Day

  Two years ago today was George Bush's last vacation paid by Halliburton diplomatic trip to Iraq. Covering the incident was esteemed young journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi, famous at the time for offering uncensored coverage of the US-Iraq war and sectarian violence that had resulted in him being kidnapped and arrested by both US and Iraqi factions. And on this fateful day in 2008, their paths crossed in a moment that epitomized the emotions of an occupied nation.




  While George Bush joked about the incident to the media, Mr. Zaidi was arrested and tortured, eventually spending 9 months in prison and suffering permanent injuries. The shoe has become a symbol of protest and Mr. Zaidi has become a famous news correspondent and humanitarian, setting up foundations to build hospitals and orphanages. It is fitting that a man whose name means "one who progresses and makes others progress" is now one of the most powerful Arabic-language journalists on the planet.

  As for Bush, he continues to laugh all the way to the bank while attempting to duck War Crimes accusations.

Dickweed Du Jour



  Dickweed is an absolutely underused insult, and the award for Unsightly Penile Growth of the Week goes to Mark Prior of Abbotsford, Wisconsin.

  Seems this cat is opening a strip club next to the town library and wants to exclude African-Americans based on what they look like versus how they behave. Taking his lead from Ron Paul and a mysteriously anonymous African-American historian, Mr. Prior says that if his club is private, he is free to discriminate. And as the Buffalo Sabres discovered when future Hall of Fame goaltender Grant Fuhr (the team had several black players previously, but none were destined to have a future as professional golfers)  was not permitted to join the team's golf club, he's technically correct.


  However, Mark Prior's knowledge of a legal loophole doesn't exactly make him the brightest star in the sky either. Not only has he displayed signs that his community finds offensive, they are so grammatically tragic that nobody with an IQ above freezing will want to be seen there.

  Moreover, Abbotsford, Wisconsin is one of the whitest places in America, counting .02% of their population as African-American. I can state with some certainty that no black dude is going out of his way to go to a barn to get a handjob from some toothless jillbilly.

  Mark Prior is absolutely trying to draw attention to himself and his club, thinking he's some great civil rights kind of guy. The fact that he's willing to go to court to defend his freedom to exclude the 3 African-Americans living in his town shows volumes about how he thinks  of himself. But like other self-appointed race warriors, he simply looks like a monumental moron.

  Then again, it's a town that's permitted a strip club to be located between city hall and a public library, so none of this should be surprising.

  Oh Wisconsin, you should be so proud.

Party Poopers : Canada's Most Inappropriately-Named Group Turns A Party Into Politics

  Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's politics don't please everyone all the time, but at heart he's a pretty normal middle-aged dude. Like a lot of old dogs Mr. Harper plays in his own old dude tribute band and as leader of the Conservative Party, he and his boys rocked out at the Tories' (Canuck nickname for CPC) Christmas shindig. And the oddly-named Liberal Party is absolutely steamed about it, and not for the reason most people might think.

    Some cautious types might think that the Grits would object to the festive evening being called a Christmas party, fearing that someone would feel left out, but this is not the case. Canadians tend to celebrate everyone's traditions and differences without taking offense to accidental non-PC statements. It goes without saying that the nation that produced Russell Peters, Elvira Kurt. and Mike Myers has no problem laughing at itself. The Canadian parliament is the most religiously diverse caucus on the planet, counting the Big three, but also Sikhs, Buddhists, Bahais, Atheists, and at least one Scientologist amongst the group. God is basically left out of politics and an individual's religion or lack thereof is a major issue. Mr. Harper is a Christian but everybody was invited to come to his party without changing the name of it.

  The problem that got the Grits' panties in a pickle was the musical content, specifically the fact that Mr. Harper chose only English-language songs. You see, Canada is an officially bilingual nation and Harper and The Herringbones covered The Guess Who, Neil Diamond, The Proclaimers and other anglo bands' tracks. Even though it was Harper's party, the Liberals couldn't let it pass without finding something to whine about.

  The Liberal Party really needs to take a chill pill and tune into reality. I'm sure that the Prime Minister didn't mean to offend francophones, he was just playing songs he liked. The reality of musicland is that most rock, particularly old school stuff, is in English. Even Quebecois bands primarily sing in English. Let's see here- The Box, Men Without Hats, Corey Hart, Sam Roberts, Voivod, Simple Plan, Arcade Fire, Terri Clark, The Stills ; all of these fine folks are from Quebec and sing in English. Even Roch Voisine's best tracks are in English.While I'm sure that you could find something from Leonard Cohen or Celine Dion en francais, neither exactly qualify as CPC beerfest music. English is the first language of rock and roll; it's just a fact.

  Yes Grits, we get it. You don't like Stephen Harper and his party. Since Canada has several parties and the majority did not vote Conservative, I'm sure you'll find scads of citizens who share in your dislike of the PM. You're free to organize a big emo-hippie gathering where you can engage in group brooding to Michel Rivard and Celine Dion and whine about how uncanadian Harper is whilst scarfing sushi washed down with European brandy and grappa. As people who voted, you can organize the nation's biggest, baddest bitchfest and invite all of your friends.

  Seriously, the Liberal Party needs to get a collective life. With this uproar you'd think the CPC had sent out invitations written on the pelts of baby seals. There are serious political issues (like the 10 year long WAR we're in) and assertions that could be made about Stephen Harper's actual policies, this is just obfuscation brought on by those too lazy to formulate a cohesive, substantive argument. Canada's most inappropriately-named political party needs to take the collective pickle out of it's ass and stop making progressives seem like a collective of moronic killjoys.


  The only thing that this should offend is your pair of ears.


 

Monday, December 13, 2010

If You Ever Think Your Life Sucks...

... you could be one of the hard-working people living in a religious theocracy. You could live in Evangelical Uganda, where biblical law is adhered to in an attempt to control the population or in  Saudi Arabia where a literal interpretation of the Qu'ran is used as the weapon of enslavement.

  We can certainly appreciate our freedom when we consider those who live in countries where the fear of insulting some metaphysical monster is all-consuming. In countries like Iran, a good kid can be required to fight for his life for merely questioning the Abrahamic faiths' treatment of women and those who use scripture to justify their cruelty. Gratitude is an easy thing to muster when one takes a look at the struggles of someone else, a person who is so much like yourself but has the unfortunate bad luck of being raised in the wrong society. Someone like Pakistani doctor Naushad Valiyani.

  Dr. Valiyani is your average urban physician. He's modern but still religious, and in this instance Muslim. Living his normal day-to-day, the good doctor never thought that he would be on the wrong end of Pakistan's restrictive blasphemy laws. But the gentleman was arrested recently anyways and the rationale behind the apprehension boggles the mind.

  Dr. Naushad Valiyani, an educated man who saves lives for a living, is sitting in the slammer for indiscriminately throwing out a man's business card. It began as a simple thing. Pharmaceutical rep Muhammad Faizan gave the doc a business card. The doctor threw it out, presumably because he has a ridiculous amount of requests to buy and promote medications. but this case is nowhere near over. Mr. Faizan complained to Hyderabad police about the incident. You see, Muhammad Faizan felt slighted that Dr. Valiyani tossed away his card and because the drug salesman's name is the same as Islam's founder, it is an offence to the fragile faith. Even though Dr. Valiyani meant no harm and assured the rep that his name had nothing to do with tossing the card into the trash, he was detained on Friday anyway and could very well suffer criminal consequences for an innocent act.

  Nations like Pakistan use anti-blasphemy laws to control the population and their thoughts. Enlightening democratically-elected people have been assassinated because the nation is swept up in a religious fervour. The few who don't want to see their modern cities sent back to the 1100s are in peril today because extreme creationist beliefs are being used in an attempt to castrate intellect. The case of Dr. Valiyani as well as the plight of Asia Bibi are proof that fundamentalism and democracy cannot coexist. It's not Islam that is the issue,  polar belief systems are used to subjugate women in Jerusalem and incarcerate gays in Christian Africa. God is like any other mind-altering vice. It's best enjoyed in moderation and you probably shouldn't drive under the influence of it.

  Existence is a wonderful thing when we consider ourselves the equal of our neighbours. We may have more or less melanin, have a different religion or none at all, be taller or shorter, fatter or thinner. But regardless of our differences, we are remarkably the same. We hope for our children, kiss our spouses, go to work, and fix that annoying leak in the roof. The greatest defence against psychological warfare is to recognize just how alike we really are.

Be well.

Photo note: The men in the above photo are chanting for the enforcement of a death verdict against Asia Bibi, a member of Pakistan's Christian minority convicted of blasphemy.

Obligatory Whiny Ass Monday Monologue

 I 'm only up because it's the 300th time I've had to pee in the last day, or so it seems. I can barely hold my head long enough to realize what I'm typing, standing has become exhausting and even making a sandwich requires leaning on the edge of the counter. When I can manage to consume a meal to offer limited relief for my savage hunger I don't feel a usual energetic burst, only more dizziness...and more sleep.

  Sleep is all I can manage to do recently. and when I'm not sleeping I'm nowhere near close to awake. My head will feel heavy and hang forward as it is right now and I might even fall over. I have just as many ideas in my mind, a bounty of stories to tell but no way to get them out.

  ---This is where I pass out with my head on my desk and wake up at 5:11---

  I really want to be my rough tough self again- the person who sticks up for the little guy and loves everyone. I'm not trying to ignore anyone and I know that quite a few of you have wondered why I don't seem like myself lately. The reason is that no matter how much I lie and say everything is okay and life is beautiful there is still something seriously wrong with me and I don't know what it is. My stubborn brain tells me that telling everyone that my vision is all fucked-up and just how crappy my body is making me feel constitutes whining. If you come from my world, there's a million reasons why YOU are permitted to cry, but not one circumstance where I am. That's just the rules.

  But the reality is that no matter how much I try to pretend nothing is wrong, there is something that is making it nearly impossible and usually painful to open my eyes, put my feet down, and stand to move. I've ignored myself for so long that it could be something incredibly serious, and that fact makes me feel vulnerable and even a tiny bit afraid. These are not welcome feelings.

  Anyways, enough of the crybaby shit. I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up about why I've been so hard to find lately so you won't kick my ass too hard about it. I will relent and see a physician to try to figure out what the hell is going on even though I'm petrified of doctors and it fucks with my ego to admit to being sick. I'm just checking in here so you fine folks won't either worry or think I' ve turned into an aloof asshole.

  Have an awesome day and if I get one of my little jots of energy I'll try to find something far more entertaining or enlightening to bring to the table.

  This would be the part of the cheesy-ass speech where they play the Chant National for no apparent reason.



  Have a safe and joyous Monday folks!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Song In My Head

  This little ditty has been playing in my head all day, and I don't mind. It's a classic from one of my favourite bands that seems to suit my general mood today.

Get lost in A Forest.

The Four Hoarsemen of the Journocalypse

  There has been a lot of talk about the U.S. diplomatic cables released by Wikileaks and how the group came to obtain said documents. Julian Assange has been arrested on bogus charges and teenagers who may have little knowledge of the legal ramifications are shutting down websites all over the world with DDOS attacks. Naturally, because the leaks involved the United States, the suspicious minds over at Fox News had to pipe in about it.


  Yes, you heard that correctly. The fine whines at Fox are calling for Julian Assange to be assassinated in direct violation of international law in a literal interpretation of killing the messenger.

  Julian Assange may be a pompous jerk, but he's just the owner of Wikileaks. He also has no loyalty to the United States, and as a foreigner has not engaged in acts of treason in even the most liberal definition. Everyone knows that every modern nation engages in spying- these cables simply gave the general public insight into how it's done. I think what is most shocking to laypeople is the fact that the cables were so unprotected, how absolutely insecure intelligence is today.

  I suspect that the man who handed over the cables in question to Wikileaks may have behaved in an illegal fashion, but therein lies the point. There is a specific process involved in prosecuting those who violate the law. However, Julian Assange himself broke no law and even if he were to have done so it is not up to you, me, or the rejects at Fox News to mete out the punishment. While the process that brought the information to Assange's group may be questionable, once the press holds the information it is free to read it, interpret it, publish it, and ridicule it. This is the reason why David Letterman, every news agency, and myself have not wound up in handcuffs. 
  Taking out Julian Assange will not halt the flow of information in our modern age. Mr. Assange is merely one of many who believe in absolute freedom of information and its exchange.  What I suspect here is that Bob Beckel is upset that some of his cables will be released to the world at large, and I'm left to wonder what it is that's so damning that the windbag is willing to encourage murder to prevent from getting out. The talking heads didn't seem to mind when Wikileaks released documents that caused awareness of other nations' policies, so what exactly is Bob afraid of now?

  When a nation like Iran uses fear-based propaganda to attack freedom of the press, those of us in the West condemn them, and for good reason. The ability to report events, past and present, is one of the traditions enshrined into the constitutions of every liberated nation. A minimally-obstructed media is what permits us to think without fear, and to even propose interference suggests alliance with the ideals we find so abhorrent.

  It doesn't matter whether or not you agree with Julian Assange's decision to leak diplomatic cables, his opinions, or the way he lives his life. While the Wikileaks founder may be many things, he's not a terrorist.  However, even suggesting that a peaceful man be secretly executed because of his message fits the very definition of terrorism.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yo, Mullethead!

  On October 22nd, I posted about Dog The Fame Whore's response to Randy and Evi Quaid hiding out in Canada. In typical orangehead fashion, he stated that he wanted to bully his way into a sovereign country to capture the pair of mentally ill serial squatters.

  Today, on Twitland, the felon-turned-fried egg said that he's coming to get the Quaids again, mentioning his pursuit of psychopathic rapist Andrew Luster. This time he pleaded with Canadian Border Services to give him the address of the Quaid's safehouse.

  What Dog and his rotund mate remain oblivious to is the fact that as criminals, they cannot come into Canada without permission of a judge, and none is going to grant them the right to invade a nation and leave with 2 people not consenting to the deal. Canada, as an industrialized nation has a very specific extradition treaty with the United States, and sorry if the case of a couple of non-violent offenders' cases don't make the top of the urgency list.

  And this brings me to another point. Comparing a pair of strange homeless people to an evil blight on humanity not only is an overstatement, but a grotesque insult to those viciously attacked by Luster. While I'm sure that the folks whose house the Quaids lived in feel somewhat violated, even they wouldn't compare the two. It's like comparing the intellect of Dog or any of his numerous offspring to that of Isaac Newton or Louis Pasteur. It's absolutely absurd and everybody in Canada who possesses more than 3 teeth recognizes this fact.

  So come on in and try to convince the RCMP that your gang of Village Idiots to give you the whereabouts of two braindead border jumpers. No pair of ear plugs will be able to drown out the resounding laughter heard around Vancouver. Maybe they'll turn your asses in to the SPCA to be spayed or neutered and for a rabies quarantine.

  I seriously hope this human paintbrush tries this stunt and gets smacked against a wall.

The Pusillanimous Professor

  Project Sanctuary was a year-long investigation into internet child sexual abuse images that continues to involve agencies in Canada, the United States, and Europe. As far as searches for online predators go, this sweep has been reasonably successful resulting in the apprehension of 57 men, beginning with a Newfoundland, Canada priest last year.

  The campaign was not simply one of arresting perverse stains on humanity, but a rescue operation, with 25 children removed from horrifying circumstances.

  One of the more shocking aspects is how close to home some of these men were, and at least one was a genius before killing himself on Thursday. Dr. Richard Dyde was a researcher at York University in Toronto, a published author, a guy who had serious smarts. And he was also a paedophile, suspended along with York residence don Toby Simpson following their arrests.

  I always feel ambivalent when one of these creeps kills himself prior to going to trial. In a sense, the aberrant individual has acknowledged his guilt and saved the taxpayers the money spent on prosecution and incarceration. However, there's also another element that may be more disturbing; that is the fact that we'll never know the scope of his crimes, nor will victims be able to realize true justice. It's one last act of selfishness in a life that held so much promise but too many evil secrets, an existence that involved control over outside elements ended in one last grasp for power.

  The devil is not always in the odd-looking person, nor the simple-minded one. Sometimes the most intelligent individuals lack regard for the most innocent of beings. In a self-centred life, nothing matters but personal success, even if that is channeled in unimaginably sinister ways. Regardless of IQ, the commonality amongst predators is cowardice, and Richard Dyde sent himself into Hell like the coward he was.

  Watch your children. You have no idea who may be watching them.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

March Of The No-Wins

  Gentle readers, I know most of you have been around long enough to know that I have expressed a great deal of concern for my fellow beings, there are few things that cause me to become so enraged that I struggle with forming coherent sentences. And this morning, I'm pissed off in full.

  I have written many times about theocratic preacherboys. From Canadian neo-nazis to Ugandan death sentences, there is a hate group for every nation and philosophy. Last week I questioned the tax-exempt status of hatemonger Steven Anderson and the week before detailed religious cleansing in Africa  . Mentioned in the past on more than one occasion has been the Westboro Baptist Church, a menagerie of meanness run by Fred Phelps and many of his brainwashed kin. I generally ignore this collection of intellectual castrati as well as similar Evangelical zombie pits, but it's what Phelps does outside of his cult that has me fired up.

  Fred Phelps finds entertainment in organizing protests at the funerals of people he's never met. He does this because he believes himself a prophet and genuinely enjoys inflicting emotional distress on others. His favourite targets are fallen soldiers, murder victims, and religious practitioners. He's stooped so low as to protest at funerals of children who have died of AIDS and victims of domestic terrorists. And his latest target is the late Elizabeth Edwards, set to be memorialized this coming Saturday.


  That's right- these famewhoring beasts are going to North Carolina to torment the children of a woman who died of cancer. I hope the Patriot motorcycle group shows up, but what I really wish for is for something like this to occur. Thousands of people getting together in a counterprotest large enough to keep Phelps' army of idiots from crapping on the grave of someone who lived and died with dignity.

  While I believe this will be a non-violent event, I know a lot of people who live in North Carolina who are seriously sick of this fuckwit. This may very well be Westboro's last protest.

  We can only hope.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Dear Walmart

  There are just some market demographics that you will never capture. Please accept it and stick with what you know. 

Thank you.


Media Massacre

 I remember this newspaper from 21 years ago . An insecure microdick named Marc Lepine took an entire University hostage because he didn't think that he should have to share a class with women . 
  He didn't really need to worry about such things , because Ecole Polytechnique denied him several times because he lacked entrance credentials . He was refused because he kept dropping out of the prerequisite courses . 
This and all of his other failures he blamed on women , whom he was taught from birth by his Algerian father to hate . 

  After little  Gamil Garbi's (Marc Lepine's real name ) mother got sick of old pop beating her and her kids senseless , she left him and got a decent job to care for her brood . Most kids would see their mums as heroic , but little Gamil thought his mother was a traitor who should go back to serving him and his father's tyrannical wishes. 

  Of course , little Gamil grew into Marc , an anti-feminist , pro-Hitler misfit . The military rejected him for his antisocial tendencies . He saw women with jobs around him and it drove him insane . In his mind it was HE who should be scoring that engineering degree even though he didn't earn it . A woman should be serving him hand and foot and not taking his rightful place in society. 

  He legally purchased a Ruger Mini-14 and headed off to the school of his dreams with a letter to the world in his pocket . He separated the male and female students and shot all 9 of the female students (only 3 survived) before proceeding into a corridor and throughout the building , hunting humans . He had this grandiose idea that he was fighting in a war against women and that he would go down in glory . 14 women lost their lives and 14 other humans were seriously wounded before Marc Lepine blew his brains out . 

  After the police recovered the body of Marc Lepine , they discovered a lengthy letter to the world with a list of the prominent people that he wanted to kill but knew he could not . It turned out that this terrorist had been planning his attack for years and had displayed signs consistent with suicide. 

  Twenty-one years on , Marc Lepine is no longer viewed as a sociopath by much of society . He's either seen as a victim of circumstance by bleeding heart sissies who seem to forget that this "victim"  was a genocidal narcissist or as a folk hero by men longing for an era where women are forced back into their God - ordained places . These men see the victims of Lepine as deserving of death and Marc as an anti-feminist warrior. Decades later, people seem more concerned with the circumstances that produced the monster than the true victims of his hatred.


  The women Marc Lepine took from their world weren't political statements, they were humans with aspirations and futures, parents and children, gifts and flaws. All of these bright women had their lives ended because of the actions of a jealous, spiteful coward. Marc Lepine is not a martyr, but one of Canada's vilest terrorists.