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Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Flatus Is At Us

There is a forbidden and curious nature that humans relate to anything that is emitted from human bodily openings , particularly that back door that we all possess . Your granny farts , so does your girlfriend , the Maxim cover girl , and yes , Shane - even Padma Lakshmi misdirects a burp from time to time . (In Hindi , fart = paad) In my mind it's the Pope who has the worst morning thunder , or at least he's up there with Tom Green in the rectal rocket Hall of Flame . And , I'll admit it ... I just farted .

According to the "experts" on such things , the word and context of the fart as we know it only became taboo in the last hundred or so years . Back in the day , the fart was out in the open , featured in several Canterbury Tales and being an accepted dictionary entry in the 1700's . And then the fart vanished into thin air - Wolfe and Hemingway had references to the Gas removed from their literature and it is often referred to as the 8th dirty word . Think on this - when was the last time YOU heard an audible petard (that's French) on Network Television ? I'm talking a human one - animated stuff doesn't count because there's simply no proof that the noise wasn't made with a French Horn .

The taboo nature of the gas , or rather it's emission add to the humour value of this often-unused device . Outside of the bedroom , farts can genuinely be ridiculously hilarious . My older sister is model-perfect ,has a prestigious occupation , and is a mother of two , but she taught my other siblings how to AIM . (I was a very serious and humourless kid oddly) I'm sure she has passed this "skill" on to her darling offspring whom have certainly been victimized by a Dutch Oven or 10 .

People need to OWN their farts , laugh at their farts , and even be PROUD of the gas they pass . Besides , if you hold them in for too long , you fart when you are relaxed , and most folks just aren't into the post-orgasmic surprise . It's true - laughing at a fart in the den means less gas during sexy times , which I don't have but have most definitely HEARD about . As funny as a gas attack might be amongst coworkers , a Dutch Oven will probably get you a Coach-class ticket to the sofa .
To be succinct : funny , yes - sexy , not so much .

---sidebar : dogs don't smell your butt because of some perverse nature thing , they do it because they like the smell of farts and they are hoping that you have leftover essence on your trousers . They're scavengers and like anything that smells rotten. Ergo farting on your dog does not constitute cruelty . She might just thank you for it. : sidebar over ----

For some reason this turbulent topic came to rise during a conversation with my mother last night , who like ancient Emperor Claudius , believes that it is hazardous to the health to hold in the gas for longer than it takes to sneak out to the balcony . Rest assured , it won't physically harm you to hold it in , but as described above , might water they eyes of your sleeping partner . If you are one of those rare people who enjoys the expulsion of flatus or happens to be a very brave method actor (hi , Sina!), you can supercharge your farts by eating cabbage with your brisket . Meat is notorious for producing acidic , aromatic gas , and cabbage add the noise factor . Cauliflower has the same effect , but it's just a gross tasting version of Broccoli so I wouldn't bother . Dairy and beans make for an equally toxic combo because 95% of us simply cannot digest either of these properly .

In summation , be proud of what you produce , whether it be farts or fart jokes . We need eradicate the stigma associated with something that EVERYBODY does .
Or at least laugh at trot trumpets - laughing is good for you . Besides , it lets down your guard and we all know what that means :)

1 comment:

  1. George Carlin classified the farts and even included the "Heiniken" fart. Kelly Rippa (no pun intended) is forever endeared on you tube farting on the Regis & Kelly show. Excellent job of researching the "pull my finger" mythology as no real finger pulling is needed.There is nothing funnier in this world than to see the look on a well mannered womans face when nature has it's way with her in a public setting. PROPS!


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