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Sunday, September 6, 2009

Goodbye For Good

I am an alcoholic. This is neither a new nor earth shattering revelation , but simply an honest one . I fell off the wagon on Super Bowl Sunday of 2008 after having my heart ripped into shreds by yet another woman who secretly wanted to be with a friend of mine , but as much as that burned me , it's not her fault but mine entirely . Every addict no matter how much clean time can find the excuse to pick up whatever it is that has the potential for destruction .
I have few people close to me in my life now simply because , due to their addictions and/or whatever they needed to do to fuel them , they are no longer walking the Earth . I picked up the Narcotic Anonymous handbook given to me in 2002 by a group of friends today for the first time in years and noticed the various inscriptions and what stood out to me is ... they're all dead . Mothers , fathers , sons , daughters , and the dearest friends all gone now because they relapsed or died from diseases caused by their previous addictions . Front and centre is my dearest friend John who died under strange circumstances after being introduced to Oxycontin by a girlfriend in an effort to control his pain because he was too "tough" to see a doctor . Not even a coroner could determine whether it was diabetes , an accident , or suicide , but the point is , he was one of the greatest beings to grace the planet and I miss him more than any arrangement of words can describe . His 8 years of clean time couldn't save him when it came down to it and if he can fall , anyone can .
Most of my relatives are addicts of one thing or another . My mother is an alcoholic and my father has been addicted to every vice known to man and a few you probably haven't heard about . I watched my dad put millions of dollars worth of intoxicants into his body and wind up a sad , irresponsible , paranoid NOTHING , a man shunned by his children and famous friends , relegated to blankly staring into space . Myself , i have in many ways emulated my father's selfish ways but in a more closeted way , but I cannot let the weight destroy me anymore .
Alcohol is drug of illusion . It's legal so it gives an impression of acceptance , of belonging with friends , something that's not worth missing out on . What those people over at Seagram's don't tell you is that booze will fuel aggression and self-loathing while giving you the guise of a socially responsible coping mechanism . Booze will stifle all creativity - it's an anesthetic that numbs you to all of the pain for a moment , but it will also numb your joys , your art , your ambitions and honest desires. It is customs-cleared , supertaxed misery that only benefits the profiteers - Alcohol IS a drug and you are no less a junkie if you are addicted to it as Heroin . You can become the person you hate the most , and I for one , am done with it .

Mr.Booze , we've had the best and worst of times together , but we're getting a divorce . And this time , it's permanent .

----as a sidenote , if anyone knows the whereabouts of my dad and whether or not he is still alive , an e-mail would be gratefully appreciated . TX---


  1. It takes a brave person to admit to their own source of personal pain. Alcohol is whats tearing my life apart as i type this. Im not the drinker,but for years i condoned it,so im just as bad.I know you are a strong woman,and one of high morals & values.Im here if ya need someone to vent to when the urge hits..i'll DM ya my digits.Call anytime,any hour,any minute. I have emense respect for you Mika.I wish you luck on this journey.I heart ya kid.

  2. I am also here for you 100% any time,and I mean any time. Just pick up the phone, don't hesitate. I'm right with you. You will beat down this demon. you are a strong woman and I'm so proud of you.

  3. I am so proud of you are very brave to share your vice with us...We all have vices, or addictions as you called it...I too have lived with alcoholics, and watched a couple of generations of my family deal with it. I have always been very careful not to partake of it myself..out of fear more than anything else..It's a very hard road...just know that I love you, and support your decision, and am proud that you are still around to be such a big part of so many other people's lives...Oh, and you can send me that Black Label glass now..I don't think you're gonna need it... :o)


Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think