I love food . Food is the blessing that united poor families in days gone by , everything scratch made , no Betty Crocker in sight . No matter how hard your work was , you could count on a belly full of nourishment as a reward for your toil . In our prepackaged world , the ability to create has been stifled everywhere , but no place has felt the sting of modernity quite like the kitchen . Those of you who were raised on Swanson's and McCain's offerings , have no fear - you can bring the sing back into your tastebuds and impress your family , and here's how .
The Main : Mad Cholent
Step 1 : Get out a big ass pot and get it hot
Add some fat - butter,margarine,olive oil , back sweat , use whatever you have
Get a rockin sizzle and add:
1/2 to a whole onion
3 scallions
6 cloves garlic
2 carrots
3-5 small chopped up spuds
Get the mess glossy and add a bucketful of water , and to this add
3 tbs pepper
1 tbs salt
1 tbs dried oregano
2 teas dried mustard
3 bay leaves
1 chili pod
2 teas smoked or hot paprika
1/2 cup marrowfat peas
1 cup cannelini beans
1/2 cup pinto beans
and garbanzos if you wish . Substitute if needed
Cook forever . At least 6 hours in a crockpot or stove will do . Lats for eons . Better the next day .
The Side : Holy Shit It's Granny's Biscuits
You can multiple this for the big fessers in your life.
First you can get some onions , chives , mushrooms goin in a skillet . They will be needed later.
Mix this shit with a fork and then your paws
2 cups or more flour
1 teas Hyssop (or some other green shit)
1 teas dried oregano
1 major teas baking powder
1 level tea salt
2 teas sugar
1 cup milk , buttermilk , soya stuff , whatever you got
Get er happy then mix in the sizzled stuff with your paws and turn out onto floured countertop . (cause I know NONE of you have a bread board)
Cut into whatever shapes you want . Rounds work , but sometimes I braid mine into micro-Challahs .
The important part - put in UberHot oven (450-500) on an UNGREASED sheet and bake for around 12 minutes or until you can't take it any longer.
OK , I gotta eat!
Ok this might be a long comment so here goes. First off.. I laughed through this entire fuckin thing. You managed to make a recipe funny, so I will stand by your comedy until the apocalypse. Secondly, the way you manage to weave in and out of actual instructions and things like: "get out a big ass pot" "add a bucketful of water" "cook forever" "mix this shit with a fork".. seriously fuckin hilarious. Lastly, the recipe for both the stew and the biscuits sounds fuckin awesome and I can state for a fact I will be cooking this within the next week. Hoenstly, you ever thought of writing a comical-style cookbook? Because this was one of the best things I've read in a long time AND made me want to cook the shit out of that shit
ReplyDeleteahemmm i have a MARBLE bread board..and can i use weed for the "other green shit"?? im makin this friday on my day off...im hungry NOW. thank you.
ReplyDeleteTyler is right on this one. No one can make something as boring as a recipe, so much fun as you roof! It sounds amazing and I will be trying it very soon...maybe on this rainy Monday off ;))
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