BlueDouche

We see these upright weinerdogs cruising nightclubs , malls , and car lots everywhere - yes! The ubiquitous BlueDouche! A peculiar creature that is so devoid of real-life friends he has to sit in the bar at LAX talking to himself looking all self-important while watching kiddie porn on his laptop while waiting for his "business" flight to Bangkok . Note the uniform : undersized designer shades , company promo golf shirt , and tennis shoes whiter and more painful to the corneas than a solar flare . He is not a fan of Rogaine or hairsystems or even a razor and wears his partial baldness proudly and invariably sports some sort of facial hair like a compensatory mane . If you see this variety of BlueDouche in the wild , take your children by the hand and walk away VERY SLOWLY .

The next variety would be the fella to your right , generally seen SLOWLY wandering department stores and nightclubs nationwide . He's in roughly the same income bracket as the PedoDouche , but he's generally a trust-fund kid and is frequently seen toting Blutooth-connected IPhones , BlackBerrys , a micro-laptop , and a Samsung ALL AT THE SAME TIME and generally drives a Toyota Avalon with black leather seats . He always knows SOMEBODY and weasels his $2000 suit and Walmart dressshirt wearing ass into finer clubs and gets off trying to seduce drunk college girls and dropping Roofies in the Appletinis of D-list celebutantes . By day he is often seen in Starbucks pretending to be employed and superior to the service people who at least have jobs or slinking around the Gap trying to get a glimpse of college-girl ass and trying to make cute anecdotes to the staff that only HE seems to chuckle at . He elicits the arms-hugged-around-body-shudder better than even PedoDouche , mainly because he actually stares and speaks , alerting everyone to his presence . If you catch RoofieRapist in the wild , smack him VERY HARD in the back of the head and run! He probably knows a lawyer , but if you do it right , you can get the last laugh.

If you wear one of these earpieces and aren't driving a car , piloting an airplane , or on security patrol somewhere , you will look like a threat to national security and I will come up with a category and description for you . More to come!