I Have A Message!

Eternal salvation is big business in America . The TV , radio , and interwebs are littered with folks determined to beat their brand of holy roller bullshit into your brains for the low , LOW one-time (yeah , right) payment of $79.95 plus postage and handling .

  These salesmen of servitude seem to have the ultimate recession-proof jobs - people get mighty spiritual when they are worried about whether or not God is gonna let the big bad bank foreclose on their vacation homes .

 I mean LOOK at these guys!!! They have nice homes , cute kids , pretty wives , and that unmistakable lacquered look . Fresh haircuts , killer bling , $4000 suits - these cats are rap stars with a far lower risk of getting knocked over in a drive-by .

   Spirituality can make you VERY wealthy , it doesn't matter whether you are selling Jesus or Xenu . People will be magnetically drawn to the promise of an utopian afterlife and inner peace. And in their gratitude , they will open their wallets . If you build it , they will come . Just ask L. Ron Hubbard  - he invented a religion based completely on Science Fiction ideas that he didn't believe were real . He conceived the plan to amass vast wealth vis a vis soul selling a decade before he put the idea into action . And it worked - he had all the ladies , drugs and adulation he wanted and cool digs to chill and pen mediocre novels while selling something he knew was a joke. He died with a net worth in the deep end of the $600 million pool .

  I want THAT life - adulation , money , and mamas - whether it be a gimick like Geller or a spaceship with Jesus on it . I'll make up my own rules and expectations to suit my every desire . I'll even change the Bible to suit my needs and convince you that my version is the ONLY one worth believing . I'll get rich selling trinkets with magical powers and make sure I guilt you into buying the book , CD , DVD , and Interactive Game .

  I'll call it the Loyal Order of the Shining Knob .

   For $249.95 plus $12.50 shipping and handling , I'll send you your VERY OWN Solid Brass doorknob molded from a plastercast of my dog's sack. All of your guests will be overwhelmed with the joy and peace of the holy Knob every time they enter your home . Little do they know, we have etched in the knob something I made up 10 minutes ago, but I'm sure everyone will feel the power and inspiration of It's message . When you hold the Knob you can't close the door on God .

 For those of you on a tighter budget we have the perfect gift item - a Knob on your own personal pendant . Now the wonderful message of the Knob can be with you in the shower , at the Legion Hall , or on the golf course. For just $19.95 with any qualifying purchase you may also receive a mini Knob , ideal for your treasured grandmother or paper boy . Those most dedicated to spreading the blessed message of the Shining Knob can venture to www.ordershiningknob.com . The flagship site features a vast array of books, videos, images , and other items sure to make an impression on you and your loved ones . We even have Holy Knob Water Wet Naps to help you feel refreshed on your long journeys abroad .

  As the master of your domain, YOU hold the key to the Knob .