Yummy Treat

  I've spent my fair share of time in Toronto. It's a rockin city full of fun and excitement and all kinds of people doing all kinds of things.
 In the late summer, the CNE opens. It has all kinds of vendors and concerts and one of the largest wood roller coasters ever made. The CNE is like Coney Island, but with more Canadians and less annoying New York teenage douchebags and less awesome knishes.

  I Digress. The CNE is full of weird carnival food like poutine, mac and cheese, and bacon-covered everything. Greasy, hearty Canadian artery-clogging comfort carnival crap is the rule at the CNE.

  However, something strange has hit the famous Sweet Treats stand. A snack food  has popped into the fryer that is so bizarre that it necessitates this annoyingly drawn-out introduction.

Photo: Aaron Harris, Toronto Star

  Open your maw and get your colon ready for DEEP FRIED BUTTER.

   This deep fried regret is created by freezing balls of butter, dunking them in funnel cake batter, and frying the dignity out of them for 20 seconds or so. Once they come out of the fryer they are doused in caramel or a variety of other sweet toppings and given a liberal dusting of icing sugar.

  The owners of Sweet Treats are not the first people to deep-fry butter, but they certainly have been the most creative in their cholesterol-laded concoctions. Exactly how stoned would one need to be to think that taking a wad of dairy fat, soaking it in eggy crap, dropping it into hydrogenated fat, and coating it with sugary shit is a good idea? I'm serious. I want to see the mountain of marijuana and examine it for, you know, research purposes. I cannot conceive of this and I've consumed fondued Cheetos whilst under the influence of seductive sativa. (It was after designing and using an aquarium bong almost 20 years ago. Stop looking at me that way.)

  Are you as freaked out by this weird backlash against reason as I am? Do you want to belly up to the trough to stuff your pie with the abomination formerly known as bagel spread?

  For me, the concept of consuming fat coated in fat coated in fat is terrifying; but it is the latest trend in seeing just how far we can push the boundaries of culinary reason. If your kid is in school, advise him or her to become a Gastroenterologist and you'll be comfy into your old age.

Soon will come a day where service workers will sing a new, less familiar refrain that will be appropriate with their new catastrophic cuisine that will sound something like this:

  "Would you like a colonoscopy with that?"