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Friday, November 27, 2009

Canadiana : The Junk Food Edition

  Everyone loves food , and the weirder and unhealthier , the better . With this in mind , I bring you an array of distinctly Canadian junk food that makes it's way across the border and onto EBay for it's sheer awesomeness. 

Ruffles Sour Cream 'n Bacon Potato Chips (Crème sure et bacon croustilles)
Lay's Smokey Bacon Potato Chips Sour Cream And BACON Ruffles . While the British do indeed have some Bacon-type crispy snacks , NOBODY has combined the two greatest and greasiest joys as perfectly as this . Ironically , these crispy ridges of glory are kosher-certified. For vegans , there are these more delicate offerings which are awesome enough to make those at UK giant Walker's sail back home . 

Doritos KetchupHumpty Dumpty Ketchup Ringolos Humpty Dumpty Ringolos . Similar to Walker's Hula Hoops , but slightly thicker and tastier . Plus , those across the pond might have Curry flavour , but we have ketchup . Ketchup-flavoured snacks are my #1 request when coming to visit Yankeeland . Not only do we have rings and regular chips , we have ketchup Doritos . They are like chips and Salsa times 1000 . 
We also have ketchup Pringles , which may be one of the greatest snack creations ever. I'm salivating thinking about the perfect combination of crispy potato , tomato and vinegar . Ebay may become your new best friend . 

Hawkins Cheezies BagHawkins Cheezies are the pride of ironically-named Belleville , Ontario and can be found in some U.S. locations . The package boasts the claim of REAL cheddar , and they are NOT joking . Chester Cheetah has nothing on these dense creations that are actually a brighter orange than the package would suggest . They are electric . After you inhale a few mouthfuls of these fried logs of cheese (with a bit of corn to hold them together) , you will exhale orange dust . They contain enough real old Canadian cheese to leave your breath smelling like sweat socks , but that just means more for you . Be warned : entering the state of Wisconsin in possession of Hawkins Cheezies will result in you being mugged. 

Maple Leaf® Wax BolognaMaple Leaf Wax Bologna . I KNOW what you are thinking .  What on Earth is a tube of lips and assholes doing on a list of iconic and amazing junk foods ? Well , it's really quite simple - I had several requests for it to be included and the history of this product in Canada has elevated it's status to a rank higher than Spam . While I have never consumed the notorious Newfie Steak , generations of kids have been raised on inch-thick fried slices of the pork , beef , bacon and turkey roll . It is hard to find where I live and I know people who have this shipped to them from their loving east coast mums and dads . I have been hailed as heroic for finding this for friends . There is just something about it that people crave - be it the hint of maple syrup or the smokiness or  the combination of all of these . People who do not like Spam or any other commercial lips-and-assholes will line up to get at the light pink tube . Plus , it is readily identifiable as Canadian and there is nothing like it .

Nestle Canada Big Turk Candy Bar . This is one of the most unique candy creations out there and it is OURS . While Turkish Delight obviously did not originate here , this bar is perfection . In a nutshell , it is rose jelly enrobed in an amount of chocolate that doesn't overwhelm the intended exotic taste . It is not overly sweet and the chocolate is of a quality more common to a good European bar . Even better - this cannon of yumminess has far less fat and calories than any other chocolate bar . This is the candy shop all grown up . The Brits have made numerous attempts at the turkish delight-chocolate combination but none come close to the 1 dollar candy bar that may truly be better than sex .

 Lucky Elephant Popcorn . Like American Cracker Jack , it has candied popcorn and a prize . Unlike Cracker Jack , there are no peanuts and it is coated with pink glossy sugary goodness . It's simple and unchanged packaging and contents make it a winner on store shelves and keep a lot of local mom-and-pop joints afloat . It is considerably lighter than what you would find in places like Kernels - think of prettier kettle corn and you are closer . Even my mother's eyes light up when she sees the Elephant . It no longer costs 10 cents a box like when I was small , but do yourself a favour and try this at least once . 

So , there flies my first installment as I am more than aware of the fact that a whole heap of people will be pitching their opinions for the coolest in Canadiana . While I realize that it's not as funny as some of my other columns , it might be a regular one since people love to find out the fun things about places they may never have been . I think it's important that people around the world recognize that Canada is a unique nation with it's own cultural significance and not "America Light" . 




  1. Well Scott wants the Maple Leaf Wax bologna and I have to admit the Hawkins Cheezies sound kinda yum.

  2. I want to try the Big Turk candybar and the Penguin beer! Everything on here sounds yummy!


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