Canadiana : The Junk Food Edition

  Everyone loves food , and the weirder and unhealthier , the better . With this in mind , I bring you an array of distinctly Canadian junk food that makes it's way across the border and onto EBay for it's sheer awesomeness. 

Enjoy!

 Sour Cream And BACON Ruffles . While the British do indeed have some Bacon-type crispy snacks , NOBODY has combined the two greatest and greasiest joys as perfectly as this . Ironically , these crispy ridges of glory are kosher-certified. For vegans , there are these more delicate offerings which are awesome enough to make those at UK giant Walker's sail back home . 

 Humpty Dumpty Ringolos . Similar to Walker's Hula Hoops , but slightly thicker and tastier . Plus , those across the pond might have Curry flavour , but we have ketchup . Ketchup-flavoured snacks are my #1 request when coming to visit Yankeeland . Not only do we have rings and regular chips , we have ketchup Doritos . They are like chips and Salsa times 1000 . 

We also have ketchup Pringles , which may be one of the greatest snack creations ever. I'm salivating thinking about the perfect combination of crispy potato , tomato and vinegar . Ebay may become your new best friend . 

Hawkins Cheezies are the pride of ironically-named Belleville , Ontario and can be found in some U.S. locations . The package boasts the claim of REAL cheddar , and they are NOT joking . Chester Cheetah has nothing on these dense creations that are actually a brighter orange than the package would suggest . They are electric . After you inhale a few mouthfuls of these fried logs of cheese (with a bit of corn to hold them together) , you will exhale orange dust . They contain enough real old Canadian cheese to leave your breath smelling like sweat socks , but that just means more for you . Be warned : entering the state of Wisconsin in possession of Hawkins Cheezies will result in you being mugged. 

Maple Leaf Wax Bologna . I KNOW what you are thinking .  What on Earth is a tube of lips and assholes doing on a list of iconic and amazing junk foods ? Well , it's really quite simple - I had several requests for it to be included and the history of this product in Canada has elevated it's status to a rank higher than Spam . While I have never consumed the notorious Newfie Steak , generations of kids have been raised on inch-thick fried slices of the pork , beef , bacon and turkey roll . It is hard to find where I live and I know people who have this shipped to them from their loving east coast mums and dads . I have been hailed as heroic for finding this for friends . There is just something about it that people crave - be it the hint of maple syrup or the smokiness or  the combination of all of these . People who do not like Spam or any other commercial lips-and-assholes will line up to get at the light pink tube . Plus , it is readily identifiable as Canadian and there is nothing like it .

Nestle Canada Big Turk Candy Bar . This is one of the most unique candy creations out there and it is OURS . While Turkish Delight obviously did not originate here , this bar is perfection . In a nutshell , it is rose jelly enrobed in an amount of chocolate that doesn't overwhelm the intended exotic taste . It is not overly sweet and the chocolate is of a quality more common to a good European bar . Even better - this cannon of yumminess has far less fat and calories than any other chocolate bar . This is the candy shop all grown up . The Brits have made numerous attempts at the turkish delight-chocolate combination but none come close to the 1 dollar candy bar that may truly be better than sex .

 Lucky Elephant Popcorn . Like American Cracker Jack , it has candied popcorn and a prize . Unlike Cracker Jack , there are no peanuts and it is coated with pink glossy sugary goodness . It's simple and unchanged packaging and contents make it a winner on store shelves and keep a lot of local mom-and-pop joints afloat . It is considerably lighter than what you would find in places like Kernels - think of prettier kettle corn and you are closer . Even my mother's eyes light up when she sees the Elephant . It no longer costs 10 cents a box like when I was small , but do yourself a favour and try this at least once . 

So , there flies my first installment as I am more than aware of the fact that a whole heap of people will be pitching their opinions for the coolest in Canadiana . While I realize that it's not as funny as some of my other columns , it might be a regular one since people love to find out the fun things about places they may never have been . I think it's important that people around the world recognize that Canada is a unique nation with it's own cultural significance and not "America Light" . 

Peace.

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