Cocaine

  This shit sucks . When I was a kid , my dad and all of his  friends were at the mercy of this and other drugs . My pop left his second wife , an epically awesome woman , for his coke dealer . This was one drug of the many addictions that turned my pop from an ambitious , intelligent , enterprising young man into a paranoid , useless waste of a life . The very same lifestyle that gave him famous friends in his youth has left him a lonely old man . 

You would think that watching my dad (when he bothered to show up) self-destruct would be the ultimate anti-drug . And you would be wrong . While I never got addicted this specific drug (I preferred things that come from poppies) , I did get addicted to a lifestyle , and certainly used Peru's most famous export . I used every excuse in the book to sell vast quantities of Yey and other drugs to a party circuit that destroyed entire sets of human beings . The overwhelming majority of people I partied with are no longer with us . They are all DEAD , and I used to feel guilty for being one of the few remaining . They overdosed , they got shot , they evaporated from AIDS , some even shot themselves , but the point is they are no longer walking the Earth . And the sad thing is that mean , arrogant people seldom become addicts - quiet , decent people longing for acceptance do . I used to think that I didn't deserve to even exist .

 I was high on a multitude of drugs (coke , oxy, and several others) when I got on the plane that took me 5000km away from all of the shit . 

While I have managed through  work to change my existence into a real life , hardships do tempt me to earn an easy buck . I live in a city that is addicted and whether they rail it , smoke it , or slam it , the drug of choice is the same one I used to sell . I see coworkers who don't blink for what seems to be hours and I know exactly what they have been up to . Sometimes they believe they are fooling people at the same moment the telltale sign is running down to their lips . I have been propositioned at the gas station in the morning by skeletal , scarred , zombified former people that seem to be everywhere . My recent neighbour went from a beautiful young mother to one of these lifeless beasts in a matter of MONTHS .  And , man , I started to resent her - addicted people are the most annoying fucking pests alive . 

Maybe all of these people are my anti-drug . I know as sure as anything that no amount of money is worth the fucking irritation of being woke up mid-nap by a jonesing freak destined for death . I don't want to be the person who sells the bag that stops another human being's heart from beating because even the worst , most hopeless addict can find a way out as long as he or she is still breathing . One of the first crackheads I met after staggering off the plane is now an amazing parent and star University student . Recovery can and does happen .

Anyone can become human again . Sometimes it takes watching everyone around you die , sometimes you do hard time , sometimes you just get sick of it all . For me , it was one particularly awakening plane ride . I am truly terrified of returning to a life of hate , and maybe that's why I don't . That's not to say that I haven't used things to alter my mind , because I have - alcohol is just another drug . I cannot change things I have done , but I CAN change the things I DO . Reality is a beautiful and scary place , and I'm so thankful to be a part of it . Sometimes we all have to stop and realize that we are all here for a reason . We all have families and friends , but addiction is so selfish that none of these things matter . We have to find an iota of actual self-love to make it stick . 

After 40 years of lying , cheating , blaming, and being enabled , my dad finally has found sobriety . Maybe I should phone him and find out how he did it .