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Saturday, November 14, 2009


  This shit sucks . When I was a kid , my dad and all of his  friends were at the mercy of this and other drugs . My pop left his second wife , an epically awesome woman , for his coke dealer . This was one drug of the many addictions that turned my pop from an ambitious , intelligent , enterprising young man into a paranoid , useless waste of a life . The very same lifestyle that gave him famous friends in his youth has left him a lonely old man . 
You would think that watching my dad (when he bothered to show up) self-destruct would be the ultimate anti-drug . And you would be wrong . While I never got addicted this specific drug (I preferred things that come from poppies) , I did get addicted to a lifestyle , and certainly used Peru's most famous export . I used every excuse in the book to sell vast quantities of Yey and other drugs to a party circuit that destroyed entire sets of human beings . The overwhelming majority of people I partied with are no longer with us . They are all DEAD , and I used to feel guilty for being one of the few remaining . They overdosed , they got shot , they evaporated from AIDS , some even shot themselves , but the point is they are no longer walking the Earth . And the sad thing is that mean , arrogant people seldom become addicts - quiet , decent people longing for acceptance do . I used to think that I didn't deserve to even exist .
 I was high on a multitude of drugs (coke , oxy, and several others) when I got on the plane that took me 5000km away from all of the shit . 
While I have managed through  work to change my existence into a real life , hardships do tempt me to earn an easy buck . I live in a city that is addicted and whether they rail it , smoke it , or slam it , the drug of choice is the same one I used to sell . I see coworkers who don't blink for what seems to be hours and I know exactly what they have been up to . Sometimes they believe they are fooling people at the same moment the telltale sign is running down to their lips . I have been propositioned at the gas station in the morning by skeletal , scarred , zombified former people that seem to be everywhere . My recent neighbour went from a beautiful young mother to one of these lifeless beasts in a matter of MONTHS .  And , man , I started to resent her - addicted people are the most annoying fucking pests alive . 
Maybe all of these people are my anti-drug . I know as sure as anything that no amount of money is worth the fucking irritation of being woke up mid-nap by a jonesing freak destined for death . I don't want to be the person who sells the bag that stops another human being's heart from beating because even the worst , most hopeless addict can find a way out as long as he or she is still breathing . One of the first crackheads I met after staggering off the plane is now an amazing parent and star University student . Recovery can and does happen .

Anyone can become human again . Sometimes it takes watching everyone around you die , sometimes you do hard time , sometimes you just get sick of it all . For me , it was one particularly awakening plane ride . I am truly terrified of returning to a life of hate , and maybe that's why I don't . That's not to say that I haven't used things to alter my mind , because I have - alcohol is just another drug . I cannot change things I have done , but I CAN change the things I DO . Reality is a beautiful and scary place , and I'm so thankful to be a part of it . Sometimes we all have to stop and realize that we are all here for a reason . We all have families and friends , but addiction is so selfish that none of these things matter . We have to find an iota of actual self-love to make it stick . 
After 40 years of lying , cheating , blaming, and being enabled , my dad finally has found sobriety . Maybe I should phone him and find out how he did it . 


  1. Wow...I am really glad that you had it in you to come back from that and kudos to you for offering this thread for someone else to grab onto and hopefully pull themselves back as well.

  2. What an awesome story by a more awesome person.In a drug world of convenience,you're conquering addictions and demons,that only a few people can accomplish. Congratulations to you and your dad.Take one addiction at a time,one day at a time.peace

  3. Thankyou for your story, i too was once hopelessly addicted to coke and alcohol, and ended up in some awful places, and institutions. As a result, after losing everything my wife kids house etc, i found sobriety through a 12 step programme, and am coming up to 5 years clean and sober. What an amazing gift! and i now have my children back in my life, and a house, and a business. But i couldnt do it on my own, i tried for years and failed miserably, every time. i had to find people who had conquered the same problem and stuck with them its the only battle that can be won thru surrender good luck and God bless

  4. I shot meth and smoked crack for a couple of years. I know what it feels like to always be valuing things in terms of how much drug you could buy. It is so awesome that you tell your stories. If someone is using drugs, they're not a loser... they're just falling behind. They can always pick it up and live their life.

  5. Great stuff. Powerful. Found this "randomly" and I hope you did choose to speak to your father. And hopefully things somehow mended themselves? I'll have to do more reading here. I'm always impressed w/ your style. Keep it up. My apologies for not reading more.


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