The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

  Tonight is the fest of a comedienne's dreams. Yes kids, tonight is the culmination of a year of ass-kissing, commercialism, and cocaine- the MTV Video Music Awards- and for me this is more fun than 10 Purim parties combined.

  I know that it may have occurred to you folks that the demographic seems a little young for my age and taste, but that's not why I watch the MVAs. The music IS awful and the new stars are people that could be my children (if I was rich and absolutely irresponsible) , so why do I watch the MVAs and similar events?

  Most of us old farts watch to see if Lady (?) Gaga is going to show up dressed like Gumby's vagina or a space alien. 

We want to see train wrecks gone good or horribly awful. There is a little part of us that wants to see Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan make a comeback, but also see the same people fall on their faces.

Pop culture is a funny thing. The famous don't seem like people much of the time, but objects- moving paper cutout dolls or something similar.

 When people put themselves on display for the masses, they become temporary fodder for our critques, and some do relish the attention. It's big and highly calculated. The 'spontaneous' moments are all highly scripted and very little is actually off-the-cuff.

The stars show up and perform acts of art or assholery and then go home to resume their lives and count their dollars.

So if you show up falling down drunk or wearing a Grade 8 science project as a hat, I WILL ridicule you. Not you as a mum or dad or living, breathing, farting human being, but as the image you present. Awards shows are seldom places for individuals, but are gratuitous displays of extravagance and fantasy. I am making fun of the spectacle and its characters and I'm not the only person who will be doing so. And if I clown with you or one of your friends, don't take it to heart, but to your belly for a laugh. Besides, it's one of the few times where I'm not making myself the butt of my own jokes.

  Let's have some fun tonight and then go back to our lives on Monday. And as always, don't drink and drive.

Rock on!