Must-Barf TV

  Pseudoreality television has been threatening a prime time takeover for some time and everyone wants a piece of the action. In our instant celebrity culture intelligence is fairly low on the list when it comes to reality TV glory. There are the shows that reward stupid decisions, like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom and those that enrage our sensibilities, like Toddlers in Tiaras and Sister Wives. With magazine cover stories, endorsement deals, and TV appearances up for grabs, the most artificial people reap the largest of the very real rewards.

  Tonight, a new waste of time made its debut on E!. Bridalplasty pits a dozen ladies against one another in the usual pseudoreality prize show format, but offers a very unusual bounty to the winner. In addition to a lavish wedding, the best of the bridezillas will receive as much surgical modification as she wants prior to the big day. The show is hosted by Shanna Moakler, famous for dating famous men and making judgments about the beauty of other women. The doctor, you'll know him too- Dr. Terry Dubrow performed the extensive string of surgeries on the women on Fox's The Swan. So we know this program is one classy joint.

  Seriously, though, who the shit thought this up? I know, I know, women in LA get shit pulled in every conceivable direction all of the time, but do we really have to glorify it? All of the ladies are better looking than I am, but even if they weren't not every dude wants his librarian fiance to come home looking like Hardy Mountits.
   If a woman is so insecure that she needs to be carved like last week's turkey in order walk down the aisle she's just displayed a trait that no amount of makeup can cover. Besides, who wants to pop the question to an amazing being and be staring up at someone entirely different come the big day?

  This is disgusting, short-sighted crap that exploits people's shallowness because a certain segment finds cattiness funny. It's for a specific airheaded market that doesn't have a great view of women in the first place. You'd never see a prime-time show where beefheads were competing for phalloplasties to fit into an absolutely asinine ideal. I can guarantee it would not happen. Ever.

  There are very few people who look human after cosmetic surgery- even my dad's surgically-repaired nose looks odd (sorry, man) and he needed it done because his face got flattened by a hockey puck. Every person I've met who has had a facelift looks like a tetherball with a wig. And as for fake boobs, they look and feel so artificial that I know cancer survivors who have declined them. And people with fake parts look like fake people covering up for very real mental issues, which leads us to why women go under the knife in the first place. Women hold themselves to an airbrushed, unrealistic ideal, one that can only be obtained via the scalpel.

   Every day girls and women cut themselves, starve themselves, and kill themselves because real women are now supposed to look like members of an alien clan. Sorry feminists, but it's not men pushing this but women's competitiveness and self-hatred. No normal man can hate a woman as much as she hates herself or another female. It's the reason for diet pills and why my sister is glad she has sons. There is so much pressure coming from other women, including the mothers of other kids for girls to look and act a certain way that teenage girls are routinely obtaining cosmetic surgeries while still growing. And it's all okay because they see it on TV and nobody gets hurt or dies.

   Surgery, cosmetic and otherwise, comes with potentially disfiguring or fatal consequences. It is simply a matter of time before one of the victims of these cosmetic makeover shows dies- mathematical odds guarantee it. But even if all odds are defied until this disturbing fad ends, people are still being entertained by not only psychological, but physical mutilation. They used to call such people sociopaths.

  If you're guilty of finding this program pleasurable, you're mentally vacant.