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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Great New Product

  It's summertime and that means it's swimming time. But what about the dude who is afraid of the dreaded SHRINKAGE? What is a dude to do when his board shorts become so water-logged they fall off his bony ass and is too terrified of the ominous turtlehead to wear Speedos?

For you self-conscious sportsmen there is the Rooster Booster.

  For the low price of $28 plus your self respect, you too can own microshorts that maximize the profile of your precious parts. The anti-smurf swimwear includes a breathable foam pad in an array of sizes from extra-small(no doubt, the least popular) to extra-large. (Guidos rejoice!) While the concept is similar to a padded bra, I can't think of this the same way for a variety of reasons.

  First, the profile- If someone is staring at your crotch enough to tell if your bits have shrunk, he or she is going to notice the fact that you are wearing a codpiece. NO dude's genitals look round- there are several bits downstairs and no guy is symmetrical. Plus, there IS a certain thing that hangs out in front.

  Next, everyone KNOWS dudes shrink and again, if someone is paying enough attention to your turtle, they're going to notice nothing shifting  or bouncing or whatnot. You're wearing a BRA for your balls. And it's going to be as obvious as your terrible underhand serve on the volleyball court.

  Importantly, nobody cares about the size of your balls. That's not the part they are having sex with. A dude can have nuts the size of baseballs and a Vienna sausage. There is also a difference between a shower and a grower. If someone judges you based on how your sack looks after you get out of the frigid waters of the Pacific, that person likely has a brain the size of a walnut.

  Finally, it's SPANDEX, and padded Spandex at that. If you think shrinkage is embarrassing, imagine the ominous subconscious feeling that SOMEONE might know you have a jockular titsling on. The inevitable paranoia would strip any inflated confidence in a flash. It's also tight-fitting, which means it draws attention to your amplified androbits. A pair of soccer shorts or an actual swimshort would be your best bit to avoid unwanted attention. You want that fine young lady to be staring into your baby blues instead of awkwardly trying to not look at your crotch.

  Where there is a product, it fills a demand. Apparently a certain Seinfeld episode made men care a little too much about what their balls look like. Like the overly padded bra of yore, you will be caught with styrofoam in your undies when your pants come off. Women look for confidence and strength. Don't be caught with these or any of the other varieties of "enhancers" near you. There's no bigger turn off than insecurity.

  If you still don't believe me and want to test out a pair of anti-shrinkage shorts, go HERE to score your own.


  1. To all men, PLEASE NEVER wear a speedo, leave that for the competitive swimmers who must wear them. Put on a pair of soccer shorts or swim shorts like Roof suggests. For all women, I say Thank You!!!

  2. So obvious and gross. (I'm hoping the makers of these send you a case load) :P


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