Just For Fun : A Crumpet Is Not A Musical Instrument

  Some of us were discussing our love for one of life's perfect foods and we were met with confused reactions from several folks. It seems that most Americans have never heard of the slice of heaven called a crumpet, and if they have they have no idea what the hell it is.  I told my mother this and she is laughing hysterically. Her initial response was "well, they're not something you play music on". After you have fished with this article, you should have an understanding of what a crumpet is and even how to make them. Unless you can't cook and you'll find yourself confused.

Enjoy!


First Question: What the f*$% is a crumpet?

   Some of you may be thinking that they are similar to English muffins. I mean they are both round and white, but so is Rosanne Barr and she's not a breakfast food. (I hope)

  The obvious difference is that a crumpet is not split like an English muffin. (insert Freudian joke here) Also, the top has vast craters and a spongy texture which permit the absorption of butter, jelly or whatever yummy spread is on them. They are also less like a bread and more like a blandish superthick pancake. This is because crumpets are made with a batter and not dough like their McCousins.

Why Can't I Find Them? 

  Crumpets, like good tea and chocolate that is actually edible are vestiges of British occupation. Because Americans hate everything British, you are more likely going to find such delights in more recently occupied and poorly dressed countries like Canada. (along with dandy thing like Mint Aero bars and HP Sauce) I'm not sure why English muffins are everywhere in the US, but I think it has to do with the fact that some McDude decided they were faboo stuffed with 4 different animal products.

How Can I get my paws on these things? 

   If you cannot find a British grocer or amazon is sold out, you can make your own. Sweet. If you have a heat source and can read, you should be able to enjoy some for yourself with very little problem. This would be the time to pay attention. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Step One : get out a glass vessel and combine one tablespoon of yeast with a half-cup of warm (NOT hot) water and a teaspoon of sugar and let it chillax for around 10 minutes to proof. If it doesn't look like it has expanded or foamed, the water is the wrong temperature or the yeast is dead. Start over.

If you didn't screw up, proceed.

Add 1 1/2 cups of warm buttermilk or almond/soy/hemp stuff to the brew along with 1 teaspoon of salt and 2 1/2 cups of your favourite flour. (Psst...you have to stir it now) Take the bowl and cover it with a dish towel. Let it sit in a warm spot like the window (but not the top of the dryer unless you want your food to smell like Spring Sneeze Bounce) for an hour or so. The batter will rise and then fall in on itself. This is normal.

Now to the fun part. Oil a griddle or large cast iron skillet and arrange crumpet rings on it. Heat to mediumish.  Since I know that no sane person owns crumpet rings, raid your recycle box for tin cans and cut both ends off.  Scoop batter into the ring things and pray for about 10 minutes or until they set. The top will look all bubbly and pretty and hopefully the bottom will not burn. Repeat. Get ready to nom out. These also freeze well.

Serve to your sweetie with a smug look on your face butter or something else yummo.