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Friday, April 23, 2010

Claasic Rewind

Honestly , This Is An Annoying Blog

 originally published August 10, 2009

The English language is a perplexing enough bastardization of numerous languages without the grammatical irritations and other annoyances commonly used by advertisers and layfolk alike . Advertisers will even stoop so low as to insult their target audience with redundant or useless claims , and here is my spotlight on some of the vernacular that annoys me to tears .

#1: Alliteration combined with intentional misspelling : This does not make your company sound "Klassy" , "Klever" , or "Koquettish" but might make one seem "Coke-headish" . If you are so illiterate as to be unable to spell "clean" , I will assume that you will clean my floor with Drain-O .

#2 : Unintentional double negatives : People use technically grammatically-correct terms such as "irregardless" in an attempt to sound more intelligent without realizing the correct meanings . Double-negatives are annoying by themselves without using them in places not required . You are essentially negating the following word with this prefix . Stop it.

#3 : Claims that cannot be factual : "New and Improved" is the classic here . If it is improved , then it cannot be a new concept and vice-versa . In addition , you are implying that your previous attempt was a failure .

#4 : Advertising that insults the intelligence : I witnessed the prime example today at the 7-11 today where a sign proudly proclaimed " All of our hot beverages are made with pure water" as if the corporation had just isolated Radon . Did they honestly think that the customers believed that the tea was steeped in Camel urine?

And here are a few common expressions that are just as irritating :

"Near-miss" - term for an accident that DIDN'T happen . Technically , a "near-miss" would be something that DID happen but almost did not . The more correct term would be "near catastrophe ".

"Ice Cold" - term for a chilly soda pop or what-have-you that implies the temperature is Sub-Arctic . But , the thing is , if something was that cold , wouldn't it indeed BE ice? Anyone who passed grade 3 Science should surely know this.

" I'm (You're , She is) the liaison" - Pretentious term for someone who sugar-coats bullshit between parties . The thing is , a "liaison" is part of a spoken FRENCH sentence , technically the pronunciation of a word-final consonant prior to a word beginning with a vowel . The misuse of this term makes me want to smack the offender with a large textbook.

"Literally" : If something is literal , it is definite , factual . The most common misuse would be "I laughed so hard I literally died" , or something in that vein . If you "literally" died , you wouldn't be still breathing to make that erroneous claim .

"Now More Than Ever" : "... tell your kids not to drink and drive" , " is time to watch CNN" , etc. Because it really wasn't terribly necessary before , it may have just been optional .

"Let's do lunch" and it's related variants : Lunch is something one eats or has , "doing it" would be something entirely different . while I am certain it is possible to "do" a burger , if you did so in public you would likely be arrested .

Beginning a sentence with "Honestly" or "Truthfully" : It implies that everything you previously stated was a lie , or at least somewhat evasive . In an end to sound more credible , the person who utilizes redundant words such as this has just removed every shred of his or her own credibility . And beginning a phrase with "I'm going to be brutally honest" implies that you are going to be rude to the point of verbally assaulting your victim .
There are dozens more similar phrases in the "English" language that boggle the mind . Feel free to share a few .
Have a great day!

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